Relationship He Forgot My Birthday Today

[Deleted member 27524]

First off I don't want to come off selfish. I am only posting this because I have very mixed feelings right now. Hurt yet understanding..but mostly hurt.

He tells me how important I am to him. How much I mean to him and how happy I make him. We giggle and joke and we get lost in it. I'm different he says and that's why he likes me. It felt like he cared but now I just dunno.

He's got PTSD sure and I know it's a lot and that forgetting things is part of it but it seems as if he can remember everything else or is there for everyone else but me. He's there for his family to go on vacations and his clients for work and his friends to help them move and he tells me that I mean so much to him but he forgot my birthday today and I'm so hurt. I don't want a gift but I just wanted to hear the words is all. Just wanted to feel like I mattered.

We've talked today twice and I know he forgot and I keep telling myself "Amanda he didn't mean to forget and he cares,you know he does," but why is it he can remember everyone else but me?

I don't know how to feel or handle this. I'm just disappointed I guess.

 

[Leah123]

Awe, Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course you matter, and it's good you feel disappointed because it shows you have some sense of self-worth.

I've done stupid things like forget birthdays too. I also have PTSD. Regardless, there are not excuses for being insensitive. When we're insensitive, we should apologize and do our very best to make amends.

Did you let him know yet it's your birthday? If he's a good guy, maybe you could give him the chance to make your birthday twice as nice because he will be working to make it up to you...

And I hope you'll treat yourself too, do something special on your special day. :)

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Yeah he knows it's my birthday. A month ago we were talking about how much we knew about each other and I said "okay when is my birthday?" He said..."the 14?" To which I was a little irritated that after this much time passed he couldn't remember and after that convo he said he'd never forget August 12 for the rest of his life. Every time we spoke he'd remind me of August 12. Now here it is and he forgot.

 

[Leah123]

But I mean, did you tell him yet today that it's your birthday?

 

[Deleted member 27524]

No I haven't. I just feel disappointed that it was important enough for him to remember on his own. I'm kinda resentful right now at him.

 

[scout86]

I'd like to suggest this might be an "everyone is different" deal and it may have nothing to do with PTSD.

I forget my OWN birthday. I consistently forget pretty much everyone's birthday. If dates are important, I'm the wrong person for the situation.

On the other hand, in a jam, if someone needs me, I've got their back absolutely, without question, to heck & back. Sometimes you have to take your pick, you can't get the whole package in one person.

I'm saying it's quite truly possible that he totally spaced on your birthday and it's the way his brain works (or doesn't) and has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you. In fact, if you want to really make him feel bad, remind him in a way that makes sure he knows how miserably he failed and how deeply let down you feel.

I couldn't help but notice that all those "ways he's there for everyone else" don't involve remembering dates. Now, if you told me he remembers everyone else in his life's BIRTHDAY, consistently, and forgot yours, I'd have a different response.

It's perfectly legitimate and understandable that you're hurt. You are a person who values things like remembering birthdays (a cool thing, really), and I'll bet you never forget one. I hope he appreciates that about you! But, if you really love him and want a good relationship with him, I'd think of this as "one of his cute idiosyncrasies" nothing else. I have a good friend whose memory is as hopeless as mine. His wife considers her BD to be extremely important. He never forgets her BD. Why? Because she won't LET him. She has a BD month, actually. Each day, she reminds him of how many days it is to her actual BD. It's kind of a running joke, but it's also gotten to be kind of a quirky, cool part of their relationship. I think she made an awesomely good choice, when she decided to do that. I know him. He loves her. He's never going to remember a date unless you make it THAT obvious to him. (Neither am I, no matter how much I want to or how hard I try.)

 

[Hashi]

Yeah he knows it's my birthday.

It doesn't sound like he does. Not today at least.

I'm a sufferer. I forgot my best friend's 40th birthday. She's the person I love most in this world and her birthday is burnt into my brain... but I forgot. My brain wasn't functioning that day. And I've remembered all sorts of inconsequential things and less important people's birthdays at various times. I don't know why.

What I would say is that her forgiving me was huge. If you have a basically good relationship and your sufferer is working on getting better, then if you can find it in your heart to forgive this you will get a gold medal in compassion from me. I hope you'll be able to, because gold medals like that are the most meaningful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't necessarily think this is PTSD related either. I've known a number of guys who just aren't big on dates. I'm not sure how old you are, but as we get older is more on our own shoulders to ensure that we have a great birthday. It sounds odd, but I've seen articles to this effect. I mean when we're kids we expect our parents to throw parties for us, but as an adult, if we want that party/dinner/whatever, its up to us to make it happen. I LOOOOOVE my birthday, so every year not only do I remind everyone about it, but I plan what we're going to do, getting the cake, etc. That way its not left up to chance, and I have a great birthday. Yeah, in a perfect world everyone would remember our special day, but life happens, and this is the only way to really ensure that we have a great day.

and of course, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

 

[digger]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

My guess is that in spite of never forgetting now for the rest of his life that it's on the 12th of August, he still thinks it's on the 14th...

 

[scout86]

@digger, I've always done that with my parents' wedding anniversary! I know it's one of those dates and never get it right! Even if I think
"It must be the other one, because I think it's this one!" I get it wrong. I can put it on the calendar, and then I never remember to look at the calendar.......

 

[StarChild]

First off, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, DEAR @Thunderstorm ! :) ! :) ! :) !
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he tells me that I mean so much to him but he forgot my birthday today and I'm so hurt.

No I haven't. I just feel disappointed that it was important enough for him to remember on his own.

Second, that he forgot your Birthday has absolutely nothing to do with what you started to "interpret" in it. It's also not a PTSD-Thing, in most of the cases. NO! It's simply and unfortunately a typical male thing. This phenomenon is known and complained by women all over the world. I really mean it. Google "Why do men forget birthdays and anniversaries" and you will be surprised by the number of the results. :woot::wideeyed::wacky:

Hmm... I'd like to suggest, that instead of just passively sitting there and expecting him to "get it", while don't say nothing, but getting more and more resentful, disappointed or even angry at him, which only leads to an unpleasant day. To simply tell him that today's your birthday. Maybe you could say something like: "It's my birthday today and I'm quite hurt that you forgot it." Then let him take action...

Third, I'd like to encourage you to learn to verbalize your needs and expectations you have in a plain and direct manner. Because on the other hand, to be passive, and expect the other to "know" what they're expected to do for you, is (mostly) a typical female thing... And this is not helpful for your relationship either. So my two cents are: A clear, honest, respectful communication is the basis for a good working relationship. Enjoy your special Day! :singing:

 

[Sighs]

I also think its not necessarily a PTSD thing. I had a guy I was seeing forget my significant number birthday even though I'd reminded him often in the week or so leading up to it. He didn't have PTSD - he was just a guy. And as weird as it sounds to us girls - its not a reflection of how he feels about you.

Pick up the phone and tell him that given you have spoken twice today you guess he has forgotten its your birthday - would he like a chance to make it up to you?

PS - Happy Birthday!