General He Now Wants To Do Something That Goes Against My (were Our) Principles

[Sunshine71]

Hi all

I just dont know what to do.

Hubby says its OK for me as I can escape from PTSD and he cant.

I wake up with chest pains, so wiped out trying to do everything. Nothing changes. He is mean and says he doesn't want to be.

He now wants to do something that goes against my (were our) principles - I wont make sense to others I know however say you hated smoking and your partner after 10 years wants to smoke again. Or you were vegetarian and after 10 years he wants to eat meat again - and really could be doing to spite you and as he hates himself....

I know it sounds odd however he says my son and I are the only things in his life that he loves and the only things that he loves. Yet we are triggers and cause flashbacks and he is either disconnected with us or being mean.

I am so tired - I am scared of having a nervous breakdown.

Has anyone had anything like this??

With thanks Sunshine

 

[Hashi]

I wake up with chest pains,

I am so tired - I am scared of having a nervous breakdown.

Sunshine, this is really concerning. You need to look after yourself as well as everyone else. You can't look after others if your own mental health and well being are suffering to this extent.

I disagree with your husband that you can get away from PTSD. Clearly, as a supporter you can't get away from it in your current situation. I don't know what the best action to take would be (treatment for you, treatment for your husband, boundaries, arrangements in your relationship etc), but I think you need to look at all the possible options, very seriously.

I don't know what sort of support you have in real life outside the forum, but I think you need to seek some out if you don't already have it.

Are you seeing a therapist and if so do they know this? Are you working with them on practical ways to address this?

Have you seen a doctor?

 

[Abstract]

Sunshine, have you had any joint therapy so that a third party can challenge his acting out at you and help him find different ways of interacting with others? Is there any way you could have a total break from him and remove yourself for at least a while?

He probably does feel about you as he says but that doesn't change the situation you are in or the fact that he is seems to be displacing his negative feelings onto you.

Please don't leave things until you crack. You can be very difficult to get things back once you do. This seems like it is heading for crisis and you need help and respite.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Turning this on it's head.

So I can't get away from my PTSD. Is that my hubby's fault? Does that mean I'm allowed to just dump all my responsibility for living my own life and being responsible for my own healing? Does that justify my holding my hubby and kids hostage with the "you're the only things I love" manipulation?

So, my hubby is supposed to just sit around waiting to fulfill my needs instead of living his life in a way that keeps him healthy, happy, and in much better shape to be there for me in the ways I really need it?

It's a real challenge for loved ones to resist being held hostage to the constant avoidance & constriction that is always telling me to make my home a fortress and my family safe locked in it with me. It's part of the PTSD telling me I need to do that, but I don't really need another to give up their life, or their energy, or even their hobbies, friends, and outside interests. I hope I can continue to resist demanding that of my loved ones.

When I didn't know I was doing that, I was really harming my kids and hubby. They shouldn't have to live walking around on eggshells all the time. That's not love, that's imprisonment. Now that I know that's what my brain tries to make me do, I have an obligation to resist using my spouse's emotional health as a drug to make myself feel better.

Sure, it's so easy to take out my pain, rage, loneliness, fear on others, but that doesn't make it ok.

I work hard to communicate to my hubby and kids through my actions that I love them, even if I am too ill to go places with them. I don't want them staying home missing out on everything because of my issues.

I understand your hubby's perspective but giving into dysfunction only brings temporary relief which prolongs the suffering for all of us. Every time my family gives in to my wanting to cancel out having people over, for instance, my psyche learns that yes, I needed to isolate again. So, my family follows through and I try to suck it up and I do end up enjoying it as I can.

Of course, if I was really too ill to even put on a brave face then that would be different. I trust my carers to know if I tell them.

Take care of you, take care of your child. The healthier you can be, the better support he will have in the long run.

We don't have to like it when our supporters do what is healthy for them when we're feeling low. They can do it anyway.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much everyone.

Last night was tough. I wasn't feeling well and wanted to sleep early. For the first time this year we had a babysitter and we planning to go to the cinema. The sympathy I got from hubby was "I call my mate and go with him".

WTF

At the end of the day he looks at my face and I turn into the little boy who died 20 years ago. This has only been happening for the past year or so. He has been angry and negative despite us actually enjoying going to the cinema.

More tears and words just now. He say it takes all of his energy just to "not kill myself".

What the hell do I do?

I am wiped out today. So I work. I clean.

My son will be back soon and hubby is leaving for his office (It is Sunday afternoon). He says he loves me so much but he is getting worked up looking at my face.

Is this some kind of sick joke??

Thanks for your support everyone.

I am not having support at the moment - I just don't have time as I have to do everything - earn money, run my business, pay the bills, provide food, sort out little break (and only as I write for magazines we really don't have the money to do anything nice).

He is leaving now for his space - leaving me on my own on a Sunday afternoon. We could be sitting in the garden together, having some lunch, going for a walk.... just having some 'us' time. Instead I am on my own.

My heart is broken.... Sunshine

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Sunshine71))))))

Find some way to make some good, or at least peaceful memories today so your tomorrows aren't filled with only the sad and dark. How I wish someone had told me that decades ago.

 

[Hashi]

What the hell do I do?

Something different from what you've done before.

You've really tried your best to keep going and keep supporting everyone financially, emotionally and practically in the current situation. You've given it everything you've got. Now, I think you have to consider different approaches.

I'm going to be really straightforward and say that - understandably - you seem to be so swamped by the emotional pain and practical difficulty of your situation, that you can't consider other options. But if you don't do something different then as you say, nothing changes. And it's making you ill.

I really think you need to prioritise getting support. I think you may need to prioritise it over organising a little break, for example. I think the little break may need to go out of the window. Not because it's unimportant, but because this is a crisis so this needs to take priority.

If your family has to have sandwiches for dinner for a month, then so be it. Everyone will survive. After all, what would they have for dinner if you had a breakdown?

I think you need to do whatever you have to do to organise and start getting support. You're in a difficult and distressing situation, and the only thing you can change is what you do. Again, I don't know exactly what you should do but it seems essential for you to look at different options, decide on one and follow it through. That seems too difficult to do alone.

 

[Abstract]

I too have been in a situation where others have been depending on me emotionally and financially whilst I have been cracking. I felt that there was no choice and there wasn't really. And I did crack.

I now look back and know there are always choices. They may not be the choices we want to make and they may be far from perfect or easy. But they are choices and sometimes what we need to do.

I agree with Hashi that you are not going to be able to do any of these things if you break. Full blown depression is not a pretty sight and nor is it easy to recover from.

One of the first considerations may be going to speak to your Dr. I don't know if you have considered medication before but if depression is already a factor it may be worth considering.

If you want to look at it this way it is the old aeroplane "use the oxygen mask yourself before offering it to those next to you" analogy.

 

[Toria]

Hi Sunshine - from someone who has been there and felt exactly that way, please, please, please go and see your doctor. Make a list if you have to but you need to tell them the truth and all of it.

I got myself in to such a state back in June that I was a liability to myself and it got to the stage where even the simplest task became the biggest hurdle and I found myself bursting in to tears in some very inappropriate places.

I found that just telling someone and that person taking it all seriously - not just patting me on the head and telling me it will all be ok / pull yourself together etc etc made the world of difference to me.

Sending you love xxx

 

[BloomInWinter]

When someone is expressing suicidal ideation in a home with children, it is ok and proper to lay down an ultimatum. "You will make an appointment today and follow through with it, or you will [be asked to stay somewhere else/go to the emergency emergency room/have your custody arrangements changed for the safety of the children] or whatever fits your situation.

Expressions of suicidal ideation without action being taken to address self-preservation are an emergency and should be treated as one. It is unfair to put the burden of worry onto supporters to keep living at the edge of an emotional cliff with someone who is that ill.

By tolerating that kind of frightening situation without demanding change, we are enabling our sufferers to keep just getting by rather than take radial action to keep all of us safe. It may seem like it's helping, but we are not professionals. We cannot help them as well as caring, objective professionals. The longer we try, the more our own emotional self suffers.

Both my sisters have PTSD. Likely my Mom (when she was alive) had it as well. I don't allow my sisters to manipulate me into enabling their symptoms to rule their lives, at least where it affects me. It has taken me decades to learn how to truly love them without going down with them.

Some of my suicide calls as a paramedic made me no longer believe that being a supporter means dealing with a loved one's mental illness without adequate support and boundaries. Because when someone does lose their fight, it devastates their entire circle...people who end up traumatized themselves.

You can always call emergency services and ask for paramedics for a mental health assessment. Allow us to be the bad guys. It begins creating a record as well with your sufferer that you won't tolerate being expected to carry that emotional burden alone. It also helps end any of the comments which are just careless off-the-cuff comments.

I have never regretted the calls I have made on behalf of others. Good always came out of it for them, even if it ruined our relationship.

Some have come back to me in recent years and thanked me and apologized for cutting me off. But they don't owe me any apology for that. They were struggling to deal with life as they could.

I have instructed my circle that if I ever try taking them hostage emotionally, to alert the authorities and get me help. Knowing they will not hesitage to force me to get help or I will be out on my own without them has gotten me through some really bad spots.

 

[Hashi]

This may be different in the UK. Here, it needs a mental health team to make an assessment (the crisis mental health team if it's out of hours). Paramedics can take the patient to A&E (Accident and Emergency) for immediate mental health care, but only if the patient agrees. When there's serious and immediate concern at home, my understanding is that it's best to call the police, because they have the power in some circumstances to place someone in a "place of safety" until a mental health assessment can be carried out. And they are used to dealing with situations and liaising with the other relevant agencies.

I'm not sure that's the situation that's being described here. It seems that this is not an immediate threat to anyone's well-being, although it sounds like a serious threat to your continuous well-being, Sunshine.

Sunshine, I'm not sure if you're still looking at this thread. I'm concerned for you, and would really encourage you to try to put yourself first for a time in order to deal with the effect this is having on you. It sounds serious, and as has already been said, you can't support and help others - however much you want to and however much you love them - unless you have some health and stability yourself.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you so much everyone - I haven't been on here for a little while - just juggling as always.

Things seemed to be OK and yesterday went downhill. This illness is so mean. Things were OK & we went to the shops for a few hours - then hubby just changed. Walking off and expecting us to follow him. Very arrogant and aggressive. It picked up a and bit and then crashed down. He seems like a jealous child/ dictator to our son rather than a daddy.

Last night my legs gave way and a had a panick attack. However this morning things are calm and all is going well.

Was a bit strange though as he says he really loves me and our son - and I know he does. I said I cant continue to live like this so PTSD will end us splitting us up if things do not improve. His reply was "what will happen to me and who will look after me." A really strange response as he must see me as a carer not his wife?? :O(
Thank you for being here and your honesty and support.

With love and thanks Sunshine x