Sexual Assault He Took An Advantage Of My Grandpa's Death

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for listening to all you lovely people *hug*. I think, if I dare to share my story here, maybe I can print it out and be brave enough to go to therapy and show it there... I guess I need to make an appointment with my GP first... And that probably means having to tell her a little bit too, right? I'm so ashamed being face to face with people knowing that they know what happened to me.

I haven't had nightmares of the two memories I've shared since writing them out :) I guess it's early days to say if it really helps, but for now it works, so I'll carry on sharing. Thanks for listening.

********************************************TRIGGER WARNING***********************************************************
Mummy is going to stay at grandma's for a while. Grandpa has died and mum is very sad and so is grandma. I am sad too but I hope grandpa hasn't gone away forever. Our Sunday school teacher said children have a special connection to GodOurDaddy. Maybe I can ask Him to send grandpa back from heaven, so everyone can be happy?

I don't want mummy to leave. She is cross with me and says I am selfish for asking her not to go. Am I selfish? I'm not sure what that means but I think it's bad to be selfish.

It's soon bed time and daddy gets me ready for bed. He gives me some orange flavour Fanta, and mixes medicine in it. The Fanta tastes a bit funny but I drink it. I don't often get to have Fanta so it is a special treat even though the medicine tastes funny. I am happy to go to bed as Im really sleepy.

I wake up someone rolling me over. It's not dark as it's summer and I see the baddie uncle. He puts the rubbery sheet under me, pulls my knickers down and climbs on top of me. The silver puppy is at grandma's so he can't rescue me. He is heavy, it's hard to breathe. The searing pain is overwhelming but then I realise it's not me who cries in pain, it's some other girl in my room. It can't be me cause I'm sitting high up in my favourite climbing tree. Nobody can see me up here. I am safe and no adults can come here. I am sad for the other little girl though, she cries and I can hear her through the bedroom window.

I must have fallen off that tree because suddenly I can feel a bone crack and give way in my tummy, or maybe in the bottom of my back. The pain intensifies and the baddie uncle lies flat on me. I can't move, but I don't want to move either cause it hurts. The baddie uncle wipes me with a flannel and pulls the sheet off from under me. I can't stop sobbing and I keep calling for daddy. The baddie uncle says he is babysitting me so daddy can have a drink at the pub. He brings me more of the Fanta that tastes funny and walks to the living room. I can hear sounds from telly and I fall asleep.

In the morning I can't move, the pain is so bad. Daddy is back home and I ask for more Fanta. He gives me some and I sleep some more.

I wake up and my bed is wet. I must have done a weewee in my sleep. I feel ashamed. I try to get up but the pain is so bad I have to stop. I start crying, I don't know what's wrong but I'm really really sore. Daddy comes into my room and picks me up. I might have fainted but I wake up when he puts me back on my bed and the sheets are dry again. I stay in bed all day.

I don't move much when mummy is away. One morning I wake up to her stroking my hair and says I need to get up and get dressed to my nice clothes ready for grandpa's funeral. Moving doesn't hurt so much anymore although I'm still sore. I am really upset though. I forgot to ask GodOurDaddy to send grandpa back down from heaven. I think it's too late now, but I quickly pray anyway.

I stand next to mummy and look at the box where grandpa is being lowered down into the ground. I was too late, I was selfish and forgot to ask GodOurDaddy to return grandpa and now it's too late.
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I have ongoing lower back pain now, and when I saw an orthopaedic for it he explained that my x-Ray showed a broken pelvic bone that has healed and fused in a funny angle a long time ago. He thinks that's the reason for my back pain and I can't think of any other time where I migh have broken it. Gentle exercise and stretching keeps it manageable though.

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

Muru, I am so sorry! He was/is as such a... I guess there are no words to describe that... :/
You don´t have to be ashamed, you have done no wrong... It was just so bad from him, hurting you so much... It was not your fault!

I´m sorry, I have no idea how is it done in your country, but in mine you can go and see a psychologist without going to your GP at firstplace... No one would judge you or blame you for this (if some stupid people would, that would be their problem, quite a serious problem, but it wouldn´t be true anyway, you know that, it wasn´t you fault...) I hope you GP is good. She should be able to give you an advice about therapy...
Do you have somebody you have already told about that? A good friend perhaps? Maybe you could ask this person to go with you and to support you or even to ask your GP, in case it would be too difficult to speak...

Glad you got rid of some of your nightmares, even if it would be temporarily, you deserve to feel safe! I believe it will get better during therapy. You are really very brave. Hope you are doing well at this moment. Take care. :-)

 

[cherryblossom]

I just need to say that you really don't need to write trigger warnings in your posts. This whole of this forum could be triggering for anyone. That is the nature of what we are dealing with here - sexual abuse. Anyone who joins this forum is completely aware of the topics that will likely be discussed. I know you are trying to protect other members, but I'd much prefer it, if you felt able to just discuss whatever you want to, in whatever way you need to, without worrying about how other people 'might' react. Forget trigger warnings. We can't work out what might trigger someone. What triggers one person, won't trigger another. Something that might seem benign to you might trigger someone else. Just don't even consider it - write whatever you need to write.

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. You are doing really well, in sharing what happened. Bluebird has great words of wisdom. I hope you have some real life support and a therapist, so you can work through all these memories.

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Bluebird *Hug* and Cherryblossom, I will try and trust that people will take care when reading these sad and horrible stories, and thanks for your encouragement also.

In England I think you got to be referred to therapy through national health. I don't think I can afford private therapy.

I booked the GP appointment for tomorrow morning and asked a good friend to come with me as you suggested Bluebird. She doesn't exactly know what I need therapy for... But I guess she'll find out tomorrow.. She promised she'll be on my side whatever it is.

I'm so scared.. What if the GP doesn't believe me? What if she says I should be over it by now and don't need therapy?

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

@Muruluisku if you are in the UK there are some other options as well as the NHS. Some private therapists will offer a sliding scale of payment to people on lower incomes. There are also some charities that offer therapy/counselling. If you can get something on the NHS that you are happy with obviously that's great, but just wanted to let you know there are other options too.

 

[Lucycat]

I'm so scared.. What if the GP doesn't believe me? What if she says I should be over it by now and don't need therapy?
<3: Muru

Your GP will not doubt you. Just as if you attended with a sore throat, they would not hesitate to believe you. Very few people will go to a GP for nothing. When they see how stressed and anxious you are - and you took a friend along, I have no doubt they will take you very seriously.

The GP will not decide if you need therapy or not. He/she will refer you to the experts in therapy who will make that decision.

As splinter says above there are other options too. However see what tomorrow brings - you don't have to make any decisions on the spot.

Best of luck for the morning - but I really don't think you need luck!

 

[cherryblossom]

I hope it goes/went well with the GP. Let us know how you got on.