Relationship He wants but fears a relationship - advice?

[MaggieRose6117]

The guy I'm in love with has survived childhood trauma but has PTSD. He is 25 but has never had a relationship. He says he fears rejection and abandonment more than death. Recently we started talking tentatively about possibly dating (it has taken us two years of back and forth to get to the point at which he trusts me enough to broach this, and he struggles even to go out with me socially - we will make a plan and he may cancel a couple of times before actually going through with it). However, since I responded in the affirmative, and even sent him a flirty text, he has retreated as if terrified. I gave him space, thinking he would come around as he usually does. He was away from our dojo for two weeks, claiming he had a lot of work. Last Monday I more or less ignored him at the dojo because I figured he still needed space, but he seems to have had a meltdown because of that - on Wednesday, he could barely speak to me and looked incredibly hurt. I spoke to him very quietly and kindly and asked if we could chat again and he said he wouldn't have time for a few weeks. He then told me he has stopped meditating because nothing helps any more (he has always meditated to find peace). However, as we chatted, he 'unfroze' and relaxed enough to train with me, even smiling and making a lot of great eye contact - more than he's ever made before, since it's something he struggles with a lot. However, he doesn't seem capable of texting again just yet. Should I just give him more space and wait to see what happens? Is this normal - that a guy may need a hell of a lot of space (sometimes for weeks) to process changes like this in a relationship? By the way, he was the one who actually started the conversation about dating, not me. :)

 

[Deleted member 541]

If you're willing to live like this, then go for it. I have PTSD, and if I was "trying" to have a relationship with someone like him, I would just let it go and wish him well, but continue to be just his friend.

If he isn't in therapy and seriously working on his trauma then things will not change....

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you ready for one heck of a roller coaster ride?

Periods of frequent isolation?

Plenty of back and forth between wanting to be single and wanting to be in a relationship?

I honestly don't think he is ready for a relationship. I think you will end up getting yanked around quite a bit. I'm all for sufferers finding supportive relationships, but when someone has as severe a reaction to a potential partner, as your guy has done to you, it does not bode well for a romantic partnership.

I think most PTSD relationships seem to start with a bit more enthusiasm, even if it only lasts a few months. It's a bad sign that something like a flirty text has him retreating and isolating, before anything serious has even begun.

 

[LuckiLee]

It sounds like he really needs to get into therapy to deal with his trauma. Soon!!
And when/if he does find a therapist it can take YEARS to become stable enough for a relationship.

It's nice that you want to be there for him but it's up to him to do the work. It won't be easy in fact it will be extremely painful for him.

PTSD doesn't go away, there is no cure. You need to think long and hard about starting a relationship with someone with untreated PTSD.

IMHO
Good luck!

 

[MaggieRose6117]

Thanks, guys. Well, he can't even initiate contact with me because of his fear of abandonment, so we just assume that I will make all the contact and do all the initiating (but he made all the 'moves' in the dojo by giving me meaningful looks - at first 'save me' looks, then when we realised we were actually attracted to each other, 'have sex with me' looks) It doesn't bother me that I had to make all the contact, but as I once said to him, I'm never sure if he's okay with all of it because I have to guess a lot of the time. He said he knows and he's sorry. The first few months (two years ago) he used to go out with me (when our chemistry was at its height) but then break every third or fourth date out of fear. At that stage I didn't know what was wrong and just started to avoid him, thinking he was flaky. We were both devasted and got severe flu. Took months to start communicating again. Thing is, we've both been through so much, and we can't seem to just turn our backs on one another. We train together three times a week as both obsessive martial artists. I guess I just wanted to know if this was normal/typical behaviour for someone with PTSD. Would he be angry if I bought him the book 'Childhood Disrupted'? He did confide in me that he has trauma, PTSD, etc. and doesn't even remember whole days of his life - but that might be overstepping a boundary?

 

[MaggieRose6117]

Also, unusually, he doesn't self-medicate or self-harm, despite having a mother and brother who have both tried to commit suicide. He drinks very little and never gets drunk. He is very self-disciplined and meditates a lot. He is generally positive and is highly intelligent (is a coder and loves his work). Women chase him because he's a great 'catch' - yet he tells me he's alone and hurt and would love to have a girlfriend. :(

 

[Sweetpea76]

he 'unfroze' and relaxed enough to train with me, even smiling and making a lot of great eye contact

but he made all the 'moves' in the dojo by giving me meaningful looks - at first 'save me' looks, then when we realised we were actually attracted to each other, 'have sex with me' looks)

Don't interpret looks or gestures... take him for his word. If he isn't communicating with you regularly, he's not ready to date you. How can you have a relationship if he isn't capable of speaking to you in a relaxed manner?

I would give him lots and lots of space. Do not buy him the book. That is overstepping a boundary.

 

[Maya65]

Also, unusually, he doesn't self-medicate or self-harm, despite having a mother and brother who...

First of all he has to get help, he has to admit the problem then you can work your way through it. What i would say is don't give up on him, my boyfriend is an Afghan veteran and when i am with him it is amazing although he is full of self-doubt why i love him, when we are apart i don't hear from him i do all the chasing it is hard but it is all worth it. some people with PTSD want to talk and others don't it is finding the balance and don't promise him anything you can't follow through with. Good luck.

 

[MaggieRose6117]

Thanks, everyone. I realise he's not ready for a relationship. I was hoping we could be friends and see how that works out. The thing is, he cannot contact *any* girl. He is simply too terrified of being rejected. He has raised the issue of therapy with me, tentatively, and I did say it had helped me a lot. However, he told me "therapists don't care - nobody cares - it's just a job to them" - so he doesn't trust anyone enough to get help. I was thinking that, in time, he might see therapy as something positive if he sees that it works well for me (which it does). Have been reading a lot about trauma and PTSD and am getting a better sense of how to interact with him. I don't want to just 'give up' on him, because I love him very dearly.

 

[MaggieRose6117]

He has come back from his withdrawal and is more open again. I will encourage him as a friend and just see what the future brings. One step at a time. He will always have my support. :)