Healing...or Dissociation?

[Life_in_the_Mist]

A while back I was talking about a trauma with a therapist. It was very intense, I had intense feelings of terror and shame, and yet it was exhilarating, and change was happening very fast. She was not doing any relaxation or grounding work with me, and also I did not feel truly comfortable talking about the topic with her. We were working on changing a very deep-set negative belief related to the trauma.

One day, I forget what we were talking about exactly, I entered a flashback-type state for the first time in my life, a state of extreme shame. I never wanted to go back, but I did, and the next time I did, when she said "X isn't true," I dropped the belief in one second. I sort of felt my soul leave my body, and I entered a profound state of depersonalization which I am still in.

In general, my mental state has worsened considerably since that happened. (Depression, anxiety, psychotic break, dissociation.) But I feel like the trauma I was talking about with her is no longer part of me, it no longer bothers me at all, and the negative belief seems gone for good. All this happened in that instant, in which I basically became a "new self."

I have two theories. A.) It was just too much for me. I was retraumatized. The not caring about the trauma, dissociation, and even the "magic, instant" changing of the negative belief is all a defense mechanism.

B.) I really did heal or change, but the trauma had been my identity, and the identity crisis that resulted when I no longer had that caused the depersonalization and other mental problems.

Any thoughts? Anyone gone through something similar? Do you think I'm really over it, and truly don't care or do you think it will all come back to me someday?

Thank you for reading.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Just my thoughts....

If you're worse, then how can you be "over it"? This leads me to think its just dissociation. You may mentally believe you're better, but your body is saying you're not because your symptoms have spiked. We dissociate when the world throws stuff at us in which we mentally cannot handle. If you were truly ok, then why haven't your symptoms lessened?

 

[Hashi]

If you're in a state of depersonalisation, then I think it's impossible to say whether there has been any healing effect. You'll be unable to assess that.

I think it's possible to have moments of healing illumination, then lose that again. Especially so if the circumstances of that moment were ungrounded, uncontained or even retraumatising. This has happened to me, and what I took from it is that healing is possible, but I need to be very careful about the situation in which I'm doing the processing. It takes a lot of preparation, careful monitoring, and stabilisation afterwards.

I'm concerned that your therapist was not paying attention to grounding and stability, either time. I would say that I don't think this is completely the therapist's responsibility - I think we have a responsibility to work on grounding ourselves and to communicate with our therapists frequently in sessions about how grounded we are and what sensations we're experiencing. Equally, a therapist should be very mindful and attentive to this, and checking with us about it. If they're not, it's a red flag.

Are you still seeing this therapist, or any therapist? I think the question of grounding and safety has to come first, because without it - in my opinion and experience - processing won't have such a deep or lasting healing effect, or may not have a positive effect at all.

My main concern at this point wouldn't be how much you've processed the shame, but the depersonalisation and other symptoms you've had since. In my view, these are the priority to think about and work on, above anything else. Like when you learn first aid, you're taught that whatever injuries a person has, the first thing you attend to is their breathing. Saving their leg, however wonderfully you do it, isn't going to help them if they stop breathing in the meantime.

 

[franciemarnie]

I agree with Hashi's post.

Here is another idea I have come upon but it's "out there". When trauma happens, according to this philosophy, we sometimes need a protective energy that is not physically available to us at the time, so we unconsciously create one to protect us. If that happened in the instance you mentioned, perhaps that energy left in your session, you didn't need it anymore. But it unveiled the feelings it protected you from and so now there is no veil there between you and them.

Just an idea. Not saying that happened, but as time goes by, more will be revealed.

I just want you to feel safe, as safe as possible given we have PTSD!

 

[Pietro]

What you describe is very frightening, and corresponds to some of what I read about re-traumatization -- although your situation seems more dramatic that what I had envisioned this to be. I think, as everyone else suggested, that, if your mental state has deteriorated since that point, it's very unlikely that things are good.

Many therapists "play" with techniques such as EMDR, hypnosis, and other mind manipulation tools, without understanding exactly what they're actually doing, at a psychological level, and without knowing all of the "best practices" associated with ensuring that you can stay grounded and come-out of the therapy unscathed. Just because I know how to light fireworks, that doesn't mean it's safe for me to do so in the middle of a crowded mall, and without taking any fire precautions (not sure if this analogy works so well). ;)

I wish you well in resolving this.

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I agree, when I type it out it does sound like dissociation. And Pietro, it was frightening, but I have mental health issues in addition to PTSD that probably were/are contributing.