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Undiagnosed Helllpppp!

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Pablo

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Hi all my name's Paul and I'm a 41 year old father of two. I saw near death several times before I was ten and suffered chronic abuse from slightly younger. By the time I was 12 my head had been stamped on over a thousand times. I was left in a crack house to be brought up by my brother(s) hardly got to eat and was too scared to go home often. I was expelled from 3 schools and was placed in a childrens home at 14 and spent 8 years in prison. Between the ages of 11 and 17 I had committed around 40 GBH's and 3/4 attempted murders. I tried to kill myself (over 100 stitches and severed brachial) when I was 17 and have self harmed throughout. I don't see either of my children.

My illness means I struggle to access the right help. I am misdiagnosed a)anxiety and depression b) pathological gambling disorder. Phychiatric reports as a 16 year old said significant symptoms of Schizophrenia and BPD. I have been arrested once for breaking a shop front as an adult. I suffer from extreme anger/fear and suicidal ideation.

I'm a multi skilled craftsman yet my job only lasts so long as I feel comfortable with those around me....sometimes an hour or so. Where I live has impacted me so badly in the last 4 years because of noise disturbances often leaving me walking the streets in despair. Triggered, shaking, raging, fearful. To have to go out in society and try to hide these emotions is sometimes impossible and really traumatic and it's made my gambling problems so much worse. It often can leave me starving for days.

The toll that all of this has taken on me physically is slowly killing me I can't even make a sandwich without getting in a terrible rage. For instance if I drop a knife because I'm shaky I can explode and smash a load of stuff up in less than a moment. I can be jumpy at most things. My senses are super hyper which crosses over into situations where I'm not in danger and would come across as paranoia if you could see my thoughts at times. I'm not always right. I'm well aware of what's going on and I self isolate from everything and everyone if I have peace at home and most of the time sit still, thoughts going round and round. My 6th night awake today with no sleep.

Years of symptoms point to CPTSD. So many factors that point to this and the latest being my jaws making a cracking sound TMJ comorbid with PTSD and it hurts so bad when it happens...like having your jaw broken. I've suffered chronic pains all over for 3 years now. I've tried so hard with every positive element of my life to be completely undermined by this illness at every turn and have got to a point where I don't want to be awake anymore. My dreams have slowly vanished and my fight with gambling brings about a realisation that things will never ever get better. I'm also a lifelong Cannabis addict. Have been on and off last 5 years and hardly use any now.

I'm really worried for me because I can't come back from this anymore because nobody understands or is willing to try and make a difference when I have so much going on. I finally come to the conclusion that there really is only one way out for me. I can't keep going round and round in this circle anymore I hate myself for being so aggressive and it's really hard to maintain my persona. I smash everything up all the time. I busted two metacarpals once.

My friends are all from a bad childhood and most have terrible addictions. The only real thing that's stopped me from having another serious attempt at suicide IS my illness and inability to conclude and see things through in general. It's getting to the point now though where might HAVE to because I'm not growing old like this. My heart is hurting so much and all I want is to find a beautiful gentle women and see all the children that I can smile, laugh and grow. Please help before I give up...I've been through too much to give....

So this was a post I made last December so from here on is now.

The worst part of this year has been losing my van. This has really my symptoms to to front because on the bus I get really edgy with all the noise and have got up and shouted at other passengers and had to get off a few times. I keep running at cars. I wont go in the local shops because of problems at home. My head makes me walk 15 miles to go and get the most basic essentials. It's really stressful as it's a noisy busy road. My heads that bad I've stopped going to work right now.

Earlier this year when i lost my van i spent 4 days on the trott leaving my flat in Findon and walking to Brighton and back. I messed around with the payment more than likely because of stuff that's been happening at my home. After the fourth day of starving I went and threw a rock through my mums window.

This is where it gets really complicated. I rented a flat from my mum and her husband. Its rat infested, it mould like half inch thick in many areas. It was given original planning for craft rooms and refused 4 times for flats. Without doing the work required my mum and her husband managed to wrangle it on to via and after doing two houses up for them 300k the rented me this flat. Theres one continuous floor that serve two flats over offices. The floor is hollow and there are holes in the floor to the office below.

Below was an organisation called independent living who specialise in helping people with conditions like mine. The knew exactly how to upset me all the time and was spurred on by my mums husband. As all the rent for the first 3 months she hid from him. In turn he refused to buy gas for the hot water or address the constant slamming of heavy doors from beneath and cars pulling right up to where my heads asleep on loud speaker at 6 am. They would come in the office at midnight and 4 am and this sort of stuff. New years party 10 of them banging on my ceiling til I snapped. They kept leaving a fan on that was jammed against a soil pipe that's mounted on the floor and makes it vibrate. Droning sometimes for days. Hell they come up and put heaters on and left the lights on all night. I had pictures of them boxing my van in against a wall. I'm sorry if some of you know them but they made my life hell.

One day when they left the fan on I put all their windows through. This was after they had started eviction proceedings. I proved to the court I had paid rent for the 15 months and they agreed to give half of my money back and then sent an eviction instead. I had photo of everything including what they had been doing to me. I got evicted and there claim for 50k was thrown out. I got nicked for for both sets windows. I slashed my arms the day after I did that to my mums window.

I've been so I'll and distressed all year. I was the only bricklayer out of around 50 not to get sacked on one job and my started being awkward. My next boss messed around with every pay day which has meant after starving most of the week it's been prolonged.....so frustrating. I would go for a walk and get coffee and after 5 hours of walking around would end up having to nick alcohol because of stress and my dinner at times. It means that I had months of working 1 week and having three off. I kept going back to him like a lemon but I had some freedom alone there at times. I was evicted mid November and I haven't moved since or eaten hardly a thing. My blinds down Same clothes on. Haven't brushed my teeth.

I'm so paranoid as well. I have so many triggers with regards to attitude and appearance. Its killing me and every interaction I have be it man or woman. I think there's a link between the gambling and paranoia and my suspicion of cheating and match fixing. I think I know the outcome and say if start with 1000 by the time I've caved in from the drain of it I've bet over 100k it kind of never ends for me. I think every ones out to harm me. I just can't stop shaking and exploding at noises. My gamblings been probably best year since 23. I'm at this point right now where I'm due a whole year of pip and I don't know what the award is but I hope I can finally move on from the hell at home.

I'm going to pay to see a proper PTSD specialist if i can afford it. Medications do help but I end up taking the whole box because the slightly dampen symptoms but not enough. Regardless there will be so many benefits of getting the correct diagnosis. I'm literally 10.8 stone and this condition is making me square up to 14/18 muscle bound men. It's making me want jump on the railway line it's making me want jump off high rise scaffolding at work it's making me want to choke myself to the point I've already changed the hook round on a lorry ratchet. It's making me want chain lead to my feet and walk out in to the see... taped a bag over my head 7 days on the trot and when I finally got it right with my hands cabled tied to a rope that passed under the door i managed to get up because i couldn't take it and rip my hands apart.

My cousin OD'd and died two weeks ago. My nan died a day later. It's so extreme how im feeling and quite often very very scared and nervous. To think I probably have got chronic PTSD and instead of getting the mental help I was sent to prison because I had become very dangerous. I cut this big guy's throat as a group of them had cornered my friend.

There was a lot of abuse as a kid at home. Nasty drunk who would throw me around the room when I was 9 when I was about 4 my brother had a toy gun in his mouth. Someone had seloptaped the broken end back on it. He was black and my mum wasn't coming. He was ok in the end. I got trapped between railway at 5 with my bike as the au pair wasn't looking. I rolled a car mat around this time and hit my elder brother till he wasnt moving. I was scared a lot then. I was put in the front car and told to keep my foot down as it bump started and nearly crushed the owner and hit this massive wall as the idiot was trying to steer holding onto the handle above with his feet off the floor. I was steering the wrong way and when we hit the I span the wheel round and crashed into my mum and boyfriend car caving all four panels in. I was only about 8 years old....I used to wash his car and hed got me to Hoover the inside with a dirt devil which wiped the battery out. I was getting violent at school from around 6 having ripped a girls earing out for joining me...

please help me because if I can move to somewhere peaceful there's hope for me I can play my trade anywhere and I need to be alive for the children that know me or are related. The one thing that hit me about my cousin is his first child his girl has only just turnt 4.....very sad. Can you let me know your thoughts please and if anyone can recommend an outgoing laid back ptsd specialist I love to hear from you. Thank you all.
 
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That sounds like a lot to deal with in a short space of time.

Are you in the UK? Is it worth going to a GP and talking to them?

Sounds like having some support with housing and help with getting your PIP sorted would help too? Maybe the GP could point you to someone who can help with those too?
 
Thanks for taking the time to reply....I've been back and forward to docs yet it's not good because I take the whole box of tablets. Theres been times when they've called my name I run out...missed appointments because I can't move. Theres also bit of dragging their heels because I live I a village. The doctors are connected to the social services organisation that was below my flat. They also provided end of life card to my mums husbands parents and himself so I always have it in my hed that they don't want to know really. I. Obviously an awkward patient too. I was held in A+E after cutting my wrists and was made toast by this lady. You could tell quite easily she had her issues. I didn't eat the toast. After 5 mins she came a chair up front of me. Grilled me with about 100 questions in ten minutes. They were unstructured and the way the conversation went it was clear she had her own little set of intentions to the point where I walked out. This was the psychiatric suite at worthing hospital. She had no intention of providing any care. Apart from getting a drink ive almost not moved since the middle of last month from my mattress on the floor. 1 day a hair cut and got food and the second day fri just gone to get food...I've probably eaten about 3 meals in this period I feel like I'm going to die my body obviously is shutting down a little bit. My organs and diaphragm are swollen from not moving. I'm so ill.
 
Hi Pablo
Any chance you would feel comfortable showing your treatment team what you wrote? You have a lot of issues in your current and past life to get better from. I really think your writing would help them understand your situation a bit more.

Also, I know this won’t completely solve things but as sudden noise is traumatic for you I wonder if ear buds to muffle the sound could help a bit

I also encourage you to think about anything in your daily life that makes things a little less bad. I am not advocating alcohol because let us be honest that is not the healthiest. But could you spend time with people you feel more relaxed around? Or go somewhere peaceful like a park for a bit? I am from the US but I have gone to at least one park in London and it was beautiful and plenty of open space. At least you won’t feel jammed in by people. What about a public library? Those places are fairly quiet. Again, I know that these suggestions do not fix things, but if anything can lower your stress levels vigilance I think it would be worth it

I also think it would help you feel more control if you had a couple of reasonable things you could do on your own to make things better

I really hope you can find something and get some well deserved and needed treatment
 
Thanks for taking the time to reply....I've been back and forward to docs yet it's not good because I take the whole box of tablets.
That's really tough. Have you told the GP that is what you do? Sounds like you need more than the GP giving out tablets, and that you need support from the community mental health team. Do you feel able to ask the GP to refer you, if you haven't already?

. Theres been times when they've called my name I run out...missed appointments because I can't move.
That's tough too. When you feel like running out is there something you can say to yourself to make you stay?
I was held in A+E after cutting my wrists and was made toast by this lady.
Again another tough situation.
It's really hard needing and having to put trust into another person that they will helpm especially if they are acting like they are doing the opposite of helping.
I wonder if going to a&e or phoning for an ambulance might be worth another go? Because:
Apart from getting a drink ive almost not moved since the middle of last month from my mattress on the floor
This.
food...I've probably eaten about 3 meals in this period I feel like I'm going to die my body obviously is shutting down a little bit. My organs and diaphragm are swollen from not moving. I'm so ill.
...and this, means that you need phsycial care and mental health support.

Do you feel able to go to A&e or a walk in clinic or phone the GP and explain what is going on for you if leaving and going to an appointment feels too much? There is also the 101 number and they can give advice? If 999 feels too much.
 
Hi Pablo,

I hope you are doing well. Keep trying to find people who can be a part of your team is the only advice I have; you've been through a lot!

It's amazing how much you've lived and you're still here trying !
 
I feel you, I really do. I don't know any PTSD specialists in your area but a big part of my symptoms is the lack of ability for me to regulate my sensory input. I've been misdiagnosed as autistic but in reality I have reactive attachment disorder. When you are neglected and isolated for long periods of time as a child your ability to learn how to regulate sensory input (that is, noises, sights, touch) becomes compromised.

The only thing that helps me is the drug dextromethorphan (this has been recently approved by the FDA in the form of Auvelity for major depressive disorder). Gabapentin is another one that helps with the sensory regulation. (You would most likely have an easier time obtaining this. It is good for chronic pain, appetite and mood.) Mine is so bad that I can drink a full bottle of vodka and still be sober, my adrenaline and cortisol levels just "cut through" the liquor.

In my experience "earbuds" and things do not work, so I spend long periods of time listening to music as background noise to shut things out. People know that when I don't have medication they shouldn't expect too much interaction from me. If left to my own devices I would sit in one spot for weeks at a time (when I lived on my own after quitting my job, this is precisely what I did, and my apartment resembled something on Hoarders.)

There's nothing out there that will help you until your physical environment is taken care of and you are at a baseline degree of physiological functioning (that is, you need to at least be eating regularly as your capacity to regulate your emotions and pick cognitive instead of baser responses to stressors - which is a big factor in why you may be experiencing further explosive violent outbursts - is far poorer). If you have no ability to pay for food, steal it or visit a food bank, or call someone to bring you something.

For me when I get bad I can't eat either. I've found things like pretzels and water or toast sticks and butter or an egg or something is easy enough to force down. You also do, sadly, get a lot of calories from beer (not as many from hard liquor). If your stomach is distended that is a sign of clinically significant starvation. It could mean the beginning of ketosis which is the process by which your body shifts its primary energy source from calories to ketones, produced in the liver (& this is a contribution to Korsakoff's, which is the malnutrition dementia caused by having one's primary nutrition be alcohol).

To put this into perspective, you can start to enter ketosis as early as 14 hours after your last meal. Depending on how long this has been happening you should get assessed by a doctor because simply eating a full meal after ongoing starvation can have catastrophic results on your glucose and phosphate levels. This can cause results that range anywhere from a seizure to myocardial infarction to death. I don't know much about your personal history with this so I cannot make any recommendations, but you should at least have bloodwork done and link up with a nutritionist.
 
Hi Pablo
Any chance you would feel comfortable showing your treatment team what you wrote? You have a lot of issues in your current and past life to get better from. I really think your writing would help them understand your situation a bit more.

Also, I know this won’t completely solve things but as sudden noise is traumatic for you I wonder if ear buds to muffle the sound could help a bit

I also encourage you to think about anything in your daily life that makes things a little less bad. I am not advocating alcohol because let us be honest that is not the healthiest. But could you spend time with people you feel more relaxed around? Or go somewhere peaceful like a park for a bit? I am from the US but I have gone to at least one park in London and it was beautiful and plenty of open space. At least you won’t feel jammed in by people. What about a public library? Those places are fairly quiet. Again, I know that these suggestions do not fix things, but if anything can lower your stress levels vigilance I think it would be worth it

I also think it would help you feel more control if you had a couple of reasonable things you could do on your own to make things better

I really hope you can find something and get some well deserved and needed treatment
Thankyou for this. I can relate because for a good five years that's was all I was doing. Going for a walk and coffee or the library. Even then i was walking 15 miles daily. That's just because i don't feel like i can sit down most of the time or go in anywhere but a shop.
I don't have a treatment team. I don't have any meds and was discharged from the psychiatrist because I didn't engage very well when they called out of the blue weeks later. I took the whole box quetiapine and ended up in A+E. I've tried ear buds and its uncanny because if I'm getting agitated having them my ears pushes me over the edge as well. I have constant loud ringing in my ears when I'm having a bad time. Because I've been at home I've been quite agitated. It's so loud.
Thanks for responding with some great insight and tips. Before I moved here I used to spend my days in coffee shops trying to learn Italian... like a few years. As long as it didnt get too noisy it helped a little. I don't drink that much. Only when I'm stressed. If I make work 3 days I'd drink on those 3 days and not on the other four. It can be catalyst for absolutely madness within me. I was feeling s bit edgy stood in this queue and these three lads started and I told them I'd give them a seeing to as now gone fear to rage and I'm pissed. They all followed me out of the shop. I picked the lump of wood up and they ran and I chased one back in the shop and hit him with it. I was arrested for affray at the end of September. For a long time I was getting home and whacking myself out by 6pm so when I woke up which was always 4 hours later I'd get some peace st home. The absolute necessity for peace when going through all this is paramount to recover. I remver one house I lived in the were having a party a whole garden full of people. What a racket well I lost it and started get handfuls of stones and needless they were pelted. They were all fro. An army base near bury st Edmund's where my daughter still lives. I also went round the wxfvhdchj behind that house because they kept ringing this alarm everytime a driver came. I went smashed one of their Van's up. Sorry I omitted the name. I remember one of my brothers friends was going on and on at me and triggered me, I ran across the road "leave me alone I shouted" as I head butted the shop front. She didnt know why I was getting in all this trouble.
My friend thankyou
 
It's got late everyone. Thanks for all your responses. I will reply but I busted to say today I e had to get up because of swollen belly I've not been able to sit back down. Made use of feeling like that did loads of tydying. Ordered so.e things to repair some of the damage I e caused in this flat. Lucky I can repair it properly otherwise I'd probably go to jail. At least I walk out with dignity if I ca repair what I e bust. Which is everything...including all the windows one day when the neighbour's base tube was vibrating through the whole flat. I didnt come home for about two weeks. I've e en slept rough a few times this last year.
I've got off track again lol. I walked down the shop last knocking so it was dark and don't have to see anyone, could afford BP garage thankfully because my head would've made me a 3 hour walk otherwise in the -2 outside.
I manage to eat a few bits but its slowly hydrate as I can hardly pee and my bowels were literally lifeless. I con only eat what my tummy allows which is badly uncomfortable.
At least I will have a productive day or two fixing things...thanks again
 
So this was a post I made last December so from here on is now.

The worst part of this year has been losing my van. This has really my symptoms to to front because on the bus I get really edgy with all the noise and have got up and shouted at other passengers and had to get off a few times. I keep running at cars. I wont go in the local shops because of problems at home. My head makes me walk 15 miles to go and get the most basic essentials. It's really stressful as it's a noisy busy road. My heads that bad I've stopped going to work right now.

Earlier this year when i lost my van i spent 4 days on the trott leaving my flat in Findon and walking to Brighton and back. I messed around with the payment more than likely because of stuff that's been happening at my home. After the fourth day of starving I went and threw a rock through my mums window.

This is where it gets really complicated. I rented a flat from my mum and her husband. Its rat infested, it mould like half inch thick in many areas. It was given original planning for craft rooms and refused 4 times for flats. Without doing the work required my mum and her husband managed to wrangle it on to via and after doing two houses up for them 300k the rented me this flat. Theres one continuous floor that serve two flats over offices. The floor is hollow and there are holes in the floor to the office below.

Below was an organisation called independent living who specialise in helping people with conditions like mine. The knew exactly how to upset me all the time and was spurred on by my mums husband. As all the rent for the first 3 months she hid from him. In turn he refused to buy gas for the hot water or address the constant slamming of heavy doors from beneath and cars pulling right up to where my heads asleep on loud speaker at 6 am. They would come in the office at midnight and 4 am and this sort of stuff. New years party 10 of them banging on my ceiling til I snapped. They kept leaving a fan on that was jammed against a soil pipe that's mounted on the floor and makes it vibrate. Droning sometimes for days. Hell they come up and put heaters on and left the lights on all night. I had pictures of them boxing my van in against a wall. I'm sorry if some of you know them but they made my life hell.

One day when they left the fan on I put all their windows through. This was after they had started eviction proceedings. I proved to the court I had paid rent for the 15 months and they agreed to give half of my money back and then sent an eviction instead. I had photo of everything including what they had been doing to me. I got evicted and there claim for 50k was thrown out. I got nicked for for both sets windows. I slashed my arms the day after I did that to my mums window.

I've been so I'll and distressed all year. I was the only bricklayer out of around 50 not to get sacked on one job and my started being awkward. My next boss messed around with every pay day which has meant after starving most of the week it's been prolonged.....so frustrating. I would go for a walk and get coffee and after 5 hours of walking around would end up having to nick alcohol because of stress and my dinner at times. It means that I had months of working 1 week and having three off. I kept going back to him like a lemon but I had some freedom alone there at times. I was evicted mid November and I haven't moved since or eaten hardly a thing. My blinds down Same clothes on. Haven't brushed my teeth.

I'm so paranoid as well. I have so many triggers with regards to attitude and appearance. Its killing me and every interaction I have be it man or woman. I think there's a link between the gambling and paranoia and my suspicion of cheating and match fixing. I think I know the outcome and say if start with 1000 by the time I've caved in from the drain of it I've bet over 100k it kind of never ends for me. I think every ones out to harm me. I just can't stop shaking and exploding at noises. My gamblings been probably best year since 23. I'm at this point right now where I'm due a whole year of pip and I don't know what the award is but I hope I can finally move on from the hell at home.

I'm going to pay to see a proper PTSD specialist if i can afford it. Medications do help but I end up taking the whole box because the slightly dampen symptoms but not enough. Regardless there will be so many benefits of getting the correct diagnosis. I'm literally 10.8 stone and this condition is making me square up to 14/18 muscle bound men. It's making me want jump on the railway line it's making me want jump off high rise scaffolding at work it's making me want to choke myself to the point I've already changed the hook round on a lorry ratchet. It's making me want chain lead to my feet and walk out in to the see... taped a bag over my head 7 days on the trot and when I finally got it right with my hands cabled tied to a rope that passed under the door i managed to get up because i couldn't take it and rip my hands apart.

My cousin OD'd and died two weeks ago. My nan died a day later. It's so extreme how im feeling and quite often very very scared and nervous. To think I probably have got chronic PTSD and instead of getting the mental help I was sent to prison because I had become very dangerous. I cut this big guy's throat as a group of them had cornered my friend.

There was a lot of abuse as a kid at home. Nasty drunk who would throw me around the room when I was 9 when I was about 4 my brother had a toy gun in his mouth. Someone had seloptaped the broken end back on it. He was black and my mum wasn't coming. He was ok in the end. I got trapped between railway at 5 with my bike as the au pair wasn't looking. I rolled a car mat around this time and hit my elder brother till he wasnt moving. I was scared a lot then. I was put in the front car and told to keep my foot down as it bump started and nearly crushed the owner and hit this massive wall as the idiot was trying to steer holding onto the handle above with his feet off the floor. I was steering the wrong way and when we hit the I span the wheel round and crashed into my mum and boyfriend car caving all four panels in. I was only about 8 years old....I used to wash his car and hed got me to Hoover the inside with a dirt devil which wiped the battery out. I was getting violent at school from around 6 having ripped a girls earing out for joining me...

please help me because if I can move to somewhere peaceful there's hope for me I can play my trade anywhere and I need to be alive for the children that know me or are related. The one thing that hit me about my cousin is his first child his girl has only just turnt 4.....very sad. Can you let me know your thoughts please and if anyone can recommend an outgoing laid back ptsd specialist I love to hear from you. Thank you all.
Dear Dear Pablo,
You have so many labels for yourself. So many identifying factors regarding your abuse.
You also label,shame and hate yourself. The trauma you underwent as a child has defined you. Have you attempted to sit and contemplate the idea that you were born for a reason and that all of this stuff can be turned around. There is a book called, “The body Keeps The Score”. If you can get your hands on it please do. I hope for you there is a margin of light that says I want out of this hell others and myself have put me in. This will take courage, intentionality and determination. Don’t destroy the opportunity when you are stabilized and through this tunnel of darkness to be of encouragement to others who have suffered what you have suffered. Every choice you make seems to verify that you deserved to be abused as you repeatedly abuse yourself by getting in with people that will only abuse you more. I do not know about your social services. Can you check yourself into a hospital and start with baby steps. Medication is necessary and must be regulated. Someone once said to me stay with the pain. You seem to lash out when the pain overwhelms you. This will take great determination and intentionality but it is the resisting the impulse one time. Then the next. Then the next. There is a purpose for your life other than self Sabotage that goes on the rest of your life. I am going to pray for you everyday. There is no lack of hope here. First thing stop all recreational drugs as it is poison for you. Whatever it takes stop. You need to get clear to start down a path to wholeness. You are a valuable person. You sound like getting work is not a problem. There are corrupt employers everywhere. But there are also fine ones. I am so saddened by your story. You do need help. But no woman, no one can do for you what you need at this time. You need you show up .Forget all the labels and diagnoses and just start where you are right now. You need to tell yourself one good thing about you.One ounce of strength to say I am wasting my precious life. Don’t waste any more of it. You, even though you do not believe it now ,are worth more than that. You were created for a purpose which you cannot believe me right now as truth.
 
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