Hello All. New, Nervous, And Need Advice...

[CavScout27]

Hello all,

My name is Jason and I'm a 19D (Cav Scout()still currently on active duty. I served in Iraq in 2003 with 3rd ID in the invasion of Iraq. I got out in 2004, went in the Guard, deployed with my guard unit and then returned to active duty in 2008 and have been on active ever since.

I don't really know where to start. I saw this forum and thought you all could help and maybe I could help someone else going through what I go through.I recently scheduled an appointment on base to finally see a behavior health specialist about the issues I have been experiencing for a long, long time, but never had the courage to admit to anyone and get help. The military "suck it up and drive on" culture and the stigma of being "that guy" has kept me suffering silently and it has just made it worse over time. I struggle with every day life due to this crap, but I am in absolute fear of being seen as "broken" by soldiers and leaders in my unit.

Truth be told, I don't really have a positive view of the behavior health people in the Army after seeing what has happened in the past to those who sought help. Some were pretty much targeted by the command because they became useless, some were misdiagnosed and tossed out, some weren't taken seriously about their issues. I've also read news reports (Ft. Lewis?) of how the Army just utterly screwed Soldiers with misdiagnoses to just kick them to the curb. This possibly contributed to me not getting help sooner also and I'm worried that if I finally just break down and open up, will they do the same to me?

So, things I suffer with- I have extremely high anxiety and fear when going out in public. My anxiety shoots through the roof, I'm constantly watching people for aggressive behavior, looking for exits, if in a room I position myself with the back to the wall to be able to see everything. This has caused my life to be pure hell. I can't enjoy things with my wife, family, friends even though I know I'm back home and there is no reason to fear something happening. It makes me seem ackward, disconnected. I tense up, my heart pounds like crazy and most of the time I just want to get away from the public place I'm at. This has led me to isolating myself in my house or sometimes in a room just to not feel these things. That has led me to not really have much of a life outside of work- because if my anxiety is that bad, then how could I possibly enjoy things? And that has led to depression. I have nightmares, 2x a week usually, and insomnia. Sometimes I don't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares. I usually get around 3-4 hours of sleep a night. Most of the time my mind won't shut off, sometimes it's work stuff or life in general, sometimes it's Iraq stuff. I'll sometimes get up and check around the house, make sure the doors are locked or if I hear a noise, stare out the windows looking for awhile. This drives my wife crazy, of course. I sometimes am jumpy around noises. I live on post so when I hear the artillery guys in the field training, I get way amped up and nervous. Fireworks suck too. I've gotten to where I hate 4th of July. I am short-tempered sometimes, I go off about things that are small, especially if I feel my anxiety going up and I'm stressed out. I have flashbacks, sometimes in the field when I'm firing my weapon, sometimes in heavy traffic driving. I get road rage pretty bad, sometimes have to pull over to cool down my anxiety.

The reason I'm posting on here and finally going to get help is because first, I'm just sick of this. I'm tired of living like this and I'm tired of being afraid. Second, I owe it to my wife, my family, and myself. Third, it's affecting my job and quality of work. I went to the field recently to shoot vehicle gunnery and didn't sleep for 2 straight days. I just couldn't. All the firing from trucks all night kept me on edge the entire time and things like that has happened before, but not as intense.

So that's me in a nutshell. I hope I came to a place that can help me.

If anyone has any advice for me on how to best to tell all this to Behavior Health I would appreciate it. I sometimes minimize things due to the warrior culture and I'm just really afraid to be told that I have some personality disorder because this is NOT the case. I never had any of this crap before I deployed. I know that one question I will be asked is if I ever thought about suicide. The truth is I have on multiple occassions, planned it out, never went throught with it. Currently I'm not suicidal, but I'm worried if I told them about that in the past will they punish me or have me committed or something? I really worry about that because I'm just not sure my command will support me through all this and getting help. I want and need help, but I just don't want to be seen as defective and tossed to the curb by them. I am really afraid of losing my career over what I say.

Anyways, thanks for listening. I consider you all my brothers and sisters and wish the best for all of you in your own struggles.

 

[dutchiedelta]

Welcome here Jason. Make yourself at home.
Deep breath and relax, you're safe here.
Browse the archives at your leisure and if you can't find it, just ask. Someone might have the answer.

 

[RTO]

Welcome to the forum, Jason.

 

[Friday]

Bottom Line Up Front: Nobody gave a shit about PTSD when I was in, as long as you kept your ass out of the brig. Mostly. So there's no way in hell I can give career advice.

That said...

Some of the best advice I've ever gotten is "Never tell them you're suicidal or homicidal. For one, that's a given. Hafta be both to do this job. That's not what they're asking. They're asking, can I trust you to run point on your own treatment?"

Reframed things for me. Okay. If I want to make my own decisions, I say no. If I want to pass the buck, I say yes. (If I can't remember what I'm supposed to say, I hand fhe sit rep off to someone else or just wing it). First time those damn questions tracked for me.

Again, I don't know the smart play, here. I just know those questions used to confuse the hell out of me until they were broken down that way. Someone else here will know the smart move.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Hey Jason welcome brother.

I understand your concern totally. I was marked non-deployable while seeking help and after that my new Gung ho 1SGT. Was on my shit wondering why. Even lied said he'd let me continue reclassing if I got deployable.

Brought a hell of a lot of attention my way and consequently through all the confusion on what the f*ck I was going through I made some bad choices at the same time. Like telling my SL, "I'd take w/e punishment they could give me." Just fed up with the non belief that I was injured.

Stress fractured shins, 2 week wait for appointment then another wait for X-rays. Month waits between mental health visits and my mind was constantly viewing ambush positions when off base around CO. As well as the same things you've mentioned in your post.


Forum has a lot of good information. You're already ahead of where I was by finding this place.

 

[atilla]

Welcome home Brother, and welcome to the forum. Many of us here have been, or are going through what you are. There is no shame. Im a desert storm vet, 11b, been dealing with the beast(ptsd) since '91. We have Nam Brothers here that have been dealing with the beast, before it was ever called ptsd. Its a combat wound bro, and with the right treatment, we CAN endure. These people on this forum are our Brothers and Sisters, and just like in combat, stand side by side with each other in the fight against this beast. Check out the media section, read the posts, and post often. Take a knee Brother. Glad you're here!

 

[Grizzly]

Welcome to the forum. As already mentioned countless times thIs invisible wound can be debiltatimg. But also treatable.

Like mentioned. You need to take point on this. Very few in your inner circle will ever understand the processes we go through on a regular basis. Your family will have trouble. Learn to educate them. I'm still working on it.

Trauma effects us all so differently. Therefore it will be a challenge to find an effective treatment that works 100%. You may get 50% out of your treatment. Its up to you to make up the other 50%.

Make a vision quest brother. leave no stone unturned to find whatever it is you need to battle the beast. Its up to you.

 

[CavScout27]

Thanks for the welcomes and for the advice everyone. I'm really glad I found this site. I already feel a little better after letting out what I go through and to see that I'm not alone and that there is hope of getting better. Much respect for all of you.

I've only had a few close friends in the Army over the years open up about what we struggle with personally from the beast, as you all call it. It's just an extremely hard thing to admit to in the tough guy culture we are in.

Well, tomorrow morning I speak to the Doc. Nervous as all hell, but I'll do my best to just swallow my pride and be honest and truthful on how rough it has been for me living with all this for so long. Wish me luck!

 

[Raven]

I was given a GD (under honorable conditions) and then had it upgraded to honorable within a year. I had become a "problem child". I needed help, but why would I have sought help when help has such a huge stigma attached? When I sought help, it was too late but what would have gone differently had I sought the help sooner? I was repeatedly told to suck it up until I was bursting at the seams and everyone--even those who barely knew me--could tell I literally couldn't just suck it up anymore. I still think it's shameful that it became so obvious.

Thankfully, because I decided to push back right away and requested a personal appearance before the review board--which is actually quicker than just doing it via application--I was able to get my discharge upgraded and my G.I. Bill reinstated in time to use it for my last three years of college. It would have only covered three years anyway, so it worked out in the end, I guess. Also thankfully, I had some very influential people on my side and fighting for me. I highly doubt it would have happened so smoothly and expeditiously without them. This was probably one of my last lucky breaks in life, and it's something very few people know about me but I've come to trust all of you guys like family and it's relevant to CavScout27's concerns. (I usually just cut to the short, clean version: "I got out and used my G.I. Bill.")

Part of the problem is that if you snap badly enough that they see fit to kick you out, they look at your whole service record. If your service was exemplary, then you are honorably or medically discharged. If there are black marks on your service record, such as Article 15's, ARI's, etc. then you're screwed. They do not consider that perhaps these incidents were symptoms of the larger issue.

I encourage you to seek help, but I would advise you to do so outside of the military system first.

Best of luck, Brother. Be well.

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome Jason,

Old *Nam Fart* here, you're among friends here brother.

The military "suck it up and drive on" culture and the stigma of being "that guy" has kept me suffering silently and it has just made it worse over time. I

Take it from me you can run but you can't hide. I did it for 30 years and lost the race. To do nothing is not the answer.

I encourage you to seek help, but I would advise you to do so outside of the military system first.

If you can, Raven's suggestion makes sense. Go for it!

Ba

 

[CavScout27]

Just wanted to update. I went to my appointment and was pretty much a wreck. I didn't get about a half hour sleep the night before knowing I'd have to talk about stuff from combat that I really don't like discussing (why I hid it for so long). Also hard to discuss those things with pretty much a stranger. I had a big difficulty putting into words how I feel about certain things, especially when I'm in public. The psychiatrist seemed frustrated that I couldn't describe what happens to my body accurately during those times and I guess I just never really stopped to think what it is that physically happens to me. Crazy that I've dealt with it for years and never listed it off in my mind, the anxiety just goes so high that I'm either focused on being in danger and getting the hell away from where I am. Anyways, it didn't go any further other than asking me questions and I have to do the same in a couple weeks before she would discuss treatment options. At the end I did ask about a ptsd group to go to in order to talk with guys who have been through deployment experiences, but she said that I wasn't diagnosed with anything yet. Not sure how long the diagnosing process takes. I really just want to get into things that will help me feel better. I guess I just have to take it one step at a time. Thanks again for all the help and advice everyone.

 

[Raven]

Is seeing a different provider outside of the military an option? I can't stress how important it is that you feel comfortable around your therapist and it seems like the one you saw today did nothing to make you feel comfortable.