Undiagnosed Hello And Ptsd After Fatal Accident

[tommytwojays]

Hi folks.
About three years ago I was pulling out of my drive when a motorbike came around the nearby corner at a crazy speed. He was going so fast and was so wide as a result, that he clipped my car, even though I had cleared his lane. The bike went out of control and to cut a long story short, the chap's head hit the telegraph pole right outside my living room window. I won't go into detail but it didn't end well for him. He was a young man and left a wife and two very young boys.

My partner was in the house at the time and came out on hearing the crash.

At the moment I pulled the car up I was spitting bullets. I wanted to slap this crazy sob. By the time I got out and turned to go shout at him, it became obvious I wouldn't get that opportunity. I got to him at about the same time as my partner and shall I say, it was obvious he was dead. The body remained right outside our living room window for about 8 hours whilst the police did their investigations. I was in total shock. It had been a beautiful day and the world had changed in an instant.

In the coming months, the insurance company put it down as my fault. Basically telling me I'd killed him. Things happened like people stuck newspaper reports through the door...

Only at the coroner inquest nearly a year later, having spent all day being stared down by the chap's wife (understandably) did it get publicly shown that I did not cause the accident. The insurance company then "apologised" but ofc that didn't help me.

We had to move because we couldn't bear to step outside of our front door into the scene, so we did.

We foolishly tried to carry on most of our lives. Kept the same jobs and just moved to a different village.

Looking back on it, I started the process of burying the pain and the stress and the trauma. Our new house was never a home and eventually we decided a complete new start might help. So we did that and relocated 150 miles away, took jobs that came with tied accommodation. Again foolishly, I think I kind of put all my eggs in that basket. The job I have is great, I never thought I'd be able to feel happy again but I started to feel like the job and lifestyle was my healing. Unfortunately, as you'd expect, the perfect bubble I'd created started to show it wasn't perfect. Is any job perfect? Is any home? No.

I got put under some heavy workload pressure starting a few months back and started getting stressed. Feelings that I'd buried started to seriously affect my state of mind.

Guilt. I feel incredible survivor guilt. I feel guilt that as the guy was dying, I as the closest human to him was thinking bad thoughts about him. That guilt I think means that I have ended up not being comfortable with the idea of happiness. I've kind of gone on a self destructive spiral. I've been anxious and stressed, impatient, intolerant, quick to argue, judgemental ("what the f do you know about anything, you've no idea of how bad life can be?"). My sleep patterns are all over the place. Little things get blown up into huge things that see me ranting for hours. I guess you lot know the deal. I have been getting worse for months now.

This week it all boiled over. I have literally wrecked my relationship with my partner, screwed up my work life and I didn't know why. I never made the connection. Until yesterday. Yesterday I was sat there with a heavily messed up life and I thought "that young man died. Any chance he had got taken away. I was given the chance to carry on and I have wasted it." That caused the floodgates to open. I have been crying ever since. But now I have a new level of guilt. The guilt of having not seen what was happening to me and consequently messing up my life and the life of the woman I love.

We have split but are still having to share a home. I now don't trust her and she doesn't trust me though we both know we still love each other dearly. It all feels insurmountable.

I've had no diagnosis but reading up on it a bit, it does seem like I am suffering PTSD. So here I am, hoping that talking with you folks will help.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to the forum. I know this likely will do little to ease your pain, but what counts is that right now you can see what is going on in your life; right now you've taken a great step in healing by posting here on the forum.

Sadly, many of us don't reach out for help or start the healing process until things have spiraled out of control. I just want to tell you that you're not alone in this regard. It seems to be the nature of the beast.

We can't diagnose you, but I will say that it sounds like you are indeed suffering from the effects of trauma. I hope that you can seek out professional help as soon as possible.

 

[tommytwojays]

Thank you.
I do understand that like many areas, realising the problem is perhaps the most important step. Up until yesterday I hadn't. I've been like an unconscious victim of my own emotions and brain. Which has totally messed up my life and turned me into someone I don't like very much. My partner who despite the obvious fact the chap was dead, did everything she could to supply first aid, has her own issues with the event ofc. Though she was not directly involved in the actual crash. I am not trying to play down her experience but she just doesn't feel the guilt. Plus it wasn't her that was subsequently told by society that they had killed a man. If anything, the effect on her seems to have been to make her more closed with her emotions. I can now see that we have got in a feedback loop as a result. Her feeling detached from her emotions whilst I have had 'exaggerated' emotions and been desperately in need of her emotional support. My need has pushed her further into the 'shell' and that has increased my need, which then feeds back. No-one's fault, just a reality. A reality that has driven us apart.

I've had a look on-line today and the help offered by society doesn't look great to me. I won't take anti depressants and I ain't convinced by CBT let alone the eye movement thing. I am going to speak to my doctor tomorrow but so far I'm not confident that's the best route. Which is kind of why I signed up here.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm guessing you're in the UK? I'm in the USA, but there are lots of folks here from the UK who can give better advice on treatments available to you.

I hope that both you and your partner can seek treatment as it sounds as if you could both benefit from professional help.

Medication isn't for everyone, and many go without in their course of treatment. I've tried a lot of different ones but have only found a few to be truly helpful, but it was more for my obsessive thinking which is outside the scope of PTSD itself but very much affects my PTSD symptoms. CBT is helpful to many, as is EMDR, however what I've found is that I was able to heal best using a variety of different therapies from which I was able to take what worked for me personally while leaving the rest behind. I hope you're able to find a treatment or treatments that can help you.

 

[tommytwojays]

Yes, I am in the UK. I did speak to a doctor a few months after the accident about the flashbacks and sleep patterns. I was instantly prescribed citalopram. I took one pill. Instantly felt it was wrong and took no more. The mistake was probably that I then went, "oh well, there's nothing the doctors can do to help me" and went about burying things. Whereas I should perhaps have sought counselling back then. Now things have deteriorated incredibly from that time.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @tommytwojays and welcome to the forum. I too am sorry for your experiences. I understand guilt - it is horrendous to feel responsible for things that really were not your fault. Being blamed, of course only adds to that - leading to shame on top of the misplaced guilt. Many of us here, with PTSD suffer guilt and shame for one reason or another.

I understand the desire not to take Citalopram. That is something I have rejected also. However I have found Quetiapine helpful for anxiety, reduction in nightmares and aiding sleep. Also I note that you dismiss the 'eye movement' thing- but it really can be very effective. I have had a number of sessions on the NHS and it has really helped. My therapist gave me Judith Herman's book to read before we started, and I looked up the EMDR UK website so that I was fully informed. I was scared it was hocus pocus - but truly it is not.

Of course there are other effective therapies, and no one suits everybody. I suggest the important thing is you go back to your GP, explain that you are still struggling and ask for a referral to mental health services. I have not looked back since I sought help. There is no shame in saying you need help - and that is the way to get a diagnosis and a plan of action. For me knowing that there was something/anything to take away the dreadful feelings of 'going crazy' was such a relief.

 

[tommytwojays]

Thank you.

Yes, the eye movement thing just seems a bit kooky from here but if it works, it works and I do respect that. I am going to try to see the doctor tomorrow, will just have to see where it leads from there.

 

[tommytwojays]

I was lucky to get a doctor's appt today and he seems pretty convinced that I am suffering post trauma stress. He has started a couple of balls rolling. He is referring me for urgent counselling and also putting in a referral for some sessions with a practitioner of the eye method. That will be a long way off though, there is only one in our area and the waiting list is apparently very long.

He wanted to sign me off of work and prescribe pills but I declined both. I actually need to work, sitting around would just add stir craziness to my state of mind. I just don't get along with pills either.

Now, I actually feel a bit better and have managed to eat today. Though I guess this will turn out to be transient. Probably a result of being able to finally pin a name to what I have been going through or something?

 

[atthree]

@tommytwojays Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry to hear about the mistrust. My PTSD was suppressed until I was in my forties with similar circumstances. It's the "What if...." that works me, even at the age of three.

You know just forgiving others has been therapeutic for me. I have a hard time with guilt also.
We must live with a good conscious

God bless you

 

[intothelight]

Hi tommytwojays,
Welcome to the forum!

Glad you could get an appointment with your GP because knowing what is wrong is the first step in making it better and that can be a huge relief. I hope you find a method of therapy that is helpful to you and that you also find this site beneficial to your recovery.

Debbie

 

[tommytwojays]

Thank you.
Yes, oddly I have been feeling a bit better this past couple of days. When I say better, I mean up and down rather than always down. It seems admitting it to yourself and seeking help really does have an effect. I still have pretty constant re runs atm though. People around me are being very supportive and i consider myself lucky in that regard.