What helped you the most with battling that mean voice?
There isn't any one specific thing, unfortunately. Wouldn't that make it easy! I'll tell you one thing I did, at the risk people will think I'm weird. Well, I already know I'm weird, so that's okay!
One night a few years ago I was in deep despair over what seemed unending grief and problems in my life, and in desperation I asked God to send another soul to take over my life because I so, so much wanted to get out of here. That didn't happen, but after a while a sense of calm came to me and I felt as if there were a comforting presence that was both with me and a part of me, if that makes sense. I don't always feel that presence, in fact I often still feel despair and extreme fear. But very often, I feel I now have access to a stronger, older, calmer part of me. Not someone different, just a more mature me. It might not appeal to everyone, but that's what I did.
I also work on limiting who I spend time with. The more people you have in your life who treat you well, the more you internalize that kindness. You can't always control that, but you can shift the balance.
I pay attention to examples of good parenting around me, in books and movies, and soak it up like a sponge.
If you wouldn't mind... Would you tell me some more about what you do with your inner child and comforting yourself in the now.
Sure. As I mentioned, most of the time I don't work with my inner child as a separate being. It's more that I - the "I" that I most identify with - listen to that calmer, more mature voice. I can be both at once: the frightened or overwhelmed child and the comforter. This might be why I have trouble doing this at work, now I think of it. At home I can take the time to slow down and comfort myself while at work I have to stay busy.
So, a lot of it is about slowing down. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed very easily and need lots of down time. The more there is to do in a day, the easier I get into panic mode. So when I start getting overwhelmed, I take a break, remove myself from the scene that is upsetting me, and talk to myself soothingly. Out loud. If you know any good parents of small children, listen to what they say and to their tone of voice, and use that on yourself. Touch yourself gently in the way you would like someone else to touch you. Use whatever is comforting, but mostly it is about using your senses. The child part of you doesn't understand logic or reason. It doesn't care that there is no reason to be upset, it just IS upset. Use touch, your blanket and stuffies sound good. Use smell - candles, essential oils, a pot on the stove with a few orange peels simmering in water, whatever is calming for you. Use taste. Warm milk is good for a lot of people, but whatever works for you. Sound - either music you like, or maybe you need quiet. Sight - again depends what works for you. Dimming the lights is usually good for me.
Tell yourself whatever messages you need to counteract the criticism. "One step at a time, you're doing fine, you're a good person," or whatever you need. Breathe deeply. Slow way down.
When you start feeling a little better, again use your soothing voice to make a plan. "Okay, when you're ready, we're going to go back to what we were doing. But it's okay if we don't get it all done today. We'll do this part, and then we'll take a break, and finish tomorrow. You're doing great."
What you are doing is teaching yourself the emotional regulation that you didn't learn as a child. One step at a time. I hope something here helps.
