Hello. I'm Drunk And I Don't Know Why

[ZachJ]

I feel like shit. I'm sitting on my couch doing research for a paper in school on PTSD and everything came at me at once. My military history is as: 308th Civil Affairs BDE Iraq 03-04, Kosovo 05-06, Iraq 09-10. I got banged up and had shoulder and back surgery after my last deployment. I was in the WTU and they started me on ritalin and cymbalta and they changed my life. I've had anger and depression issues since 04 but I started getting help in 09 when I was overseas at FOB Kalsu at the combat counselors or something. I had 2.5 yrs of counseling and I am way better than I used to be but the meds help a lot. I was retired in 12' and after i got sick of hating life after my meds ran out I went to the VA to start treatment. They changed me off of cymbalta and put me on remeron. This shit is not working well at all. I started a new job after being laid off for 5 mo and I already pissed someone off and they reported me to the #2 person in the organization. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of letting my wife see me like this. Now i'm sitting on my couch drinking and typing here. This f*cking sucks. I wish I was back in the Army by my friends. I'm starting to hate my life. Please don't start the worry affair. I'm NOT homicidal or suicidal...... I'm not. I just want to feel happy. I want to feel what love is like again when I hold my kids. I want to hold my wife and feel the butterflies I felt in my stomach when we first met 13 yrs ago. I want to feel again. Not just anger and sadness. I miss the feeling of Joy. That is the greatest feeling in the world. I don't know if I will ever feel it again, and that makes things even worse. I want to feel what authority feels like again. I am a retired SFC. I miss the respect I was given. I miss the power I had to influence young soldiers. I miss raising dumbass privates from piles of shit pre-gangbangers to now college educated productive citizens. I miss being a Soldier. The pride I had when I put on the uniform. The knowledge I have of skill and thinking of ways to teach my Soldiers. This is not the way in my civilian profession of nursing. I am a savor of lives and a dumping station for physicians. My knowledge of Soldier skills does not work in my civilian world. I must ask someone to do their job.... not tell them too. I must suck the cock of the physician.... even when he is wrong or he will tell the Chief Nursing Officer of the hospital on me like a little bitch. I must show my coworkers respect and be generous that they showed up to work but didn't come to work to bust their ass. I get told that I am too harsh. That I am an asshole. That people don't like me because I tell them to do their jobs that they are paid to do. I was told by my former boss that I must ask the staff nicely to do their job instead of telling them to do their job. This is a huge difference in the civilian world. I am finding that employers want Veterans for employers, but they don't want Soldiers. This may be my fault though. I chose the profession of Nursing and the career as a Soldier, but now that I am not a Soldier I find that I am trying to coexist as the two people that I was. I used to be able to be a Nurse and a Soldier, but now that I am not a Soldier I have to be a Nurse/Soldier. Being a Soldier is in my blood; it is my being. I am also a Nurse. I love to care for people that are in need. That is why I became a Civil Affairs Specialist. But now that I am no longer a Soldier, I do not know how to let that side express itself. I have toned it down in respects of being a Soldier, however that is not enough for the civilian workforce. I must baby these f*cking people. I do not know how to baby people. I know how to train and raise Soldiers and care for patients. These are two very different entities but I am finding myself trying to combine them into one so that I may find an inner peace. I work as a Nursing Supervisor. I am a single entity that meanders through the entire hospital giving direct supervision to staff and taking care of direct patient and system complaints. At times I must tell people to "suck it up and carry on", but this is a phrase that is not known in the "nursing world". I have tried other avenues of approach but they do not work either. I am tired of watching substandard care being given to patients when I know what the standard is; when I know what should be done. I do not know how to motivate civilians. I don't think there is anything that can motivate civilians. The only thing that motivates civilians is money and power. There is no duty. There is no honor. There is no selfless service, and if there is selfless service it is taken advantage of by their management. This paradigm leads to a staff that has no respect or integrity for their job or their organization. The only thing these people respect is their paycheck and they will do the minimum that is required to get it. I am tired of these people, and when I bring these issues to the management, all they do is shrug their shoulders. They know that this is as far as they can push their staff because they lack the backbone and integrity that even the shittiest Soldiers have. I have two more years until I finish my graduate degree as a Nurse Practitioner. I hope, for myself, my mind, and family, that I am able to deal with this level of stupidity and recklessness for that time. I also hope that my anger issues don't arise at a bad time to get me fired. I really am working on my anger issues, but when people piss me off my sympathetic nervous system kicks in and it sends adrenaline through my body and people know it. Then they get afraid of me and report me to my boss. This leaves me no chance of mending the broken relationships. I think I am done venting now. Thank you for this chance. I feel a little better.

SFC (R) Zachary Jesko

 

[BaMuoiBa]

Welcome Zack - jeezze ya said a mouthful!!!

First off, get off the couch and put the plug in the jug!
As medical professional you should know that your meds with the booze are not the solution.

I'm no f*cking doctor just an old Nam vet that walked that path for almost 40 years. Trust me "doc" it goes now where!

Your a smart man and very good at what you do but the civies have not seen what you have seen or done what you have done. Accept that as fact and move on! You cannot motovate them but you can be an example of what professional should be. You have too much invested in your career - focus on changing YOU!

We're not very clinical at this forum we just share what works for our PTSD (the beast). Not sure if it will get you an "A" on your paper but it may add some insight to your dealing with the beast.

Ba

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

Zack, welcome.

A couple of things from my perspective. First, you haven't lost the things that once made you happy. You set them aside in order to do the job you were assigned as a soldier. That was necessary in order for you to survive, and cover the backs of your Brother and Sisters.

Finding those things is difficult, but possible. Never give up on searching for them.

Next, stay in the moment and deal with the shit one thing at a time. You can't change this piece of shit world and the people in it. But, you can have influence on items that are a part of your world. Take satisfaction in every little thing that you've made better.

SD

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome Zack,

Listen to the wise men before me.

You have already done a lot of hard work with therapy and meds, but until you can stop at a couple of drinks, do what Ba has said and put a plug in your jug. Self medicating just screws you up, it lets all those inhibitions slide and opens a hell of a lot of doors you just spent years trying to organise and close.

Right now I can't read all of what you have written, but having ANZAC day fast approaching it's a time that I spend remembering.

So good luck with the study mate, your a better man than me for being able to accomplish that.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

Hi Zack and Welcome....

I am another old Nam vet. Not much I can add here as Ba and SD have it covered. Spend some time reading this forum, you will find you are not alone in this. I alot of what you will read comes from the heart. It's all about Anger, Pain and wanting to be normal again and learning how to live with the BEAST.........Brother, for us that have been in combat, we have to learn how to live with our new and improved normal....Yes I said improved, hopfully down the road, you will see it as that. It will take some time, take small steps, keep going forward and never give up....

Here is something I say every day........It helps me, maybe it will help you...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

J R

 

[vikingr12]

The rant could have been written by a lot of us here. I was combat rescue and I still grit my teeth when I walk down the aisle of a hospital. I see the incompetence and the insipid looks some so-called professionals who give the figurative finger to a patient who could get by with pat on the ass instead of a meaningless drug just to write something that says you did something. The trauma care is good only because most of the patients are unconscious.

Add my voice to the lecturers about scotch and meds. But then, you knew that.

You making a huge contribution to that hospital where you work. Never forget that.

And welcome.

 

[Spock]

Welcome Zack....stay safe, stay strong.

 

[Spock]

Zack...it is not just the civilian world. You miss unit dynamics like many miss team sports dynamics...working toward a goal, winning. Your rant reminded me of life working in the Pentagon or any other big military agency. So maybe we sometimes want what we thought was the best gig we had before but we grow out of it and must move on. The job you're in now is obviously not working for you so re-evaluate what does work that you can apply your skills toward. Frankly, I can't work with people but it is not a civilian thing it has to do with how I've evolved with the beast and handle authority figures. I need to be my own boss. You might look for flexibility in schedule, telework, less interaction with premadonnas, etc. I am pleased to hear you acknowledge it is just a rant and not suicidal. Focus on your kids and how you want them to think of you. How you want to "mold" then like you did those privates...

 

[Lee C]

Welcome

 

[ZachJ]

Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. That was a bad night, and I haven't had one since. I just read through what I read and to all of those who read it thanks. I didn't realize I wrote so much. But thanks to you all, I am in a much better place now.

Zach