Supporter Hello. I'm Gwen, In Search Of A Voice

[Gwen]

I'm sorry, I am just very confused and frustrated. Thank you both for 'listening' and letting me tell my story. I just wish I knew how to fix everything. I wish I was there with him!

 

[Gwen]

It's very tough for me to know he's going through this. You're right though, he's really the one going through it, not me. I will never abandon him! I made him that promise years ago!

I stepped back and out of the picture when he got married. I never wanted to come between him and happiness. But when his marriage ended, he came back and reached out to me. We both made the promise never to let anything come between us again. I intend to honor my commitment to him! Nothing will make me walk away, especially when he needs help!!

I've told him as friends that I love him... but I've also told him that I love him as much more! He knows how I feel and I know he feels the same way. It's just hard to be so close to someone and share so much, and then have a seemingly normal conversation and believing he knew who I was, but then he called me by another name.

I guess in my mind it isn't clear if he knew who I was at all during the whole conversation and simply pulled the wrong name out of his reserves, or if he has forgotten me and who I am.. and who we are to one another. That's where I feel the most confusion/ heartache. And not knowing if this a forever thing or a temporary thing. Praying temporary!

Thank you everyone for allowing me to talk about this and get some insight outside of my own insecurities. Thank you!!!

<edited for readability by inserting paragraph breaks - Deaf Global Nomad>

 

[wife of]

Oh Gwen,you must be so confused.

If you have the strength to wether the storm and give all you can to him without letting it take from you then in a twisted way you will learn much about yourself.

My husband of 20 years is in a similar position just now.

He is my husband,best friend,soulmate and truly my other half.

Right now I feel like someone who is on the edge of finding out wether they are going to have a limb amputated or not. This is equaly as distressing as watching my father waste away from cancerr.

My hunny had a day shortly before his last admission where he turned around and asked me.." I know you are called sue, but I'm not too sure who you are....are we going out together or something."

How I managed not to run away bawling my eyes out I will never know.It is deffinatly the single most heartbreaking moment of my life to date and over the last year there has certainly been enough of those.

I just put myself into the nursing role and sat and quietly gave him a run down of the last twenty + years until his head started to make the connections and brought him back to reality.

I have no answers for you other than to say that for me this is a mountinous,muddy road but I'm hoping the view will be worth it when we get there.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Gwen!

Take a look below in the supporter forum. There you can find people who have been through this before you. I hope that you can find the support you need.

 

[Gwen]

I truly appreciate everyone's kind words. I am in this for the long haul and I will do whatever it takes to see him through. After getting a little perspective here last night I was able to talk to him for a much longer call today and accept the off the wall things he talked about, and was able to take them with stride. I believe the conversation went more smoothly for my openness to what he is going through. I think being more open to the things he wanted to talk about, made me look deeper and have more understanding with him today then before. It did break my heart for him to call me by another name, but I really don't think he understood. I corrected him when he did it the other day. When he apologized, he seemed upset that I corrected him. Maybe not so much that I corrected him, but that he didn't get my name right. He almost seemed as hurt as I was. I think now I need to keep a better perspective and not be so correcting and just let him "be" and enjoy our talks even if they may not make as much sense as I was determined to make them. I think my receptiveness allowed him to feel more at ease as well.

Wife of: Thank you very much for your kindness and understanding too. Your comment "If you have the strength to wether the storm and give all you can to him without letting it take from you then in a twisted way you will learn much about yourself." Makes me realize that I was not being the person I know I am, and that I know I need to be, to be there for him as he goes through this struggle.

I know that what you're going through seems very similar, I just hope that one day I can say the same about being with my soldier for as many years. I bow to you in all that you are doing for your husband! I believe you are looking at things in a very clear perspective and are a remarkable person for what you're going through. The portrait you have painted, of struggle and pain, is a beautiful portrait. One day you will be able to see through the murky clouds at it's beauty again!

Back to what Junebug said "One day at a time" that is all we can really do! Thank you as well Junebug, IvyMillie and BigBear! You have helped me gain some much needed perspective!

My heart and prayers go to any and all who are dealing with PTSD in any capacity!

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you too Gwen, it's so easy for a sufferer to get lost, prayers back to you as well, and Wife Of, and all, 10 fold.
xox