Hello - Not Diagnosed and Not Sure About Telling Story

[batgirl]

Welcome to the forum. No one can tell you what you want... that's up to you. If you want to tell your story, telling will help you. Even if you've already told it before, this is a different place to tell it because people won't say "oh poor you" or pity you or think you're a freak, they'll understand and point out stuff out to you that you may not have thought of before. At least, that's been my experience. Not all wonderful but a positive experience overall for me. I have learned and healed a lot since coming here. And I have found people to be very nice. But anyways... it's up to you what and how much you share. People can't comment or help though if you don't share anything...

 

[nobody]

you know its not even what happened that bothers me. I just wish someone would have done something. how in gods name could any decent human being see a boy screaming at the top of his lungs, every single night for his entire childhood, at the atrocities ... and do nothing? How can a counselor play a game with a child to pass the time and do nothing to fix his situation and help him get the life he deserved? 23 years of nothing but ... nothing. What should I tell you? About my demented grandmother? About the death of a man who gave me so much love? About a father who cares only for the title and nothing of the responsibility? Or the mother who only says she understands to pass the time? My life until recently has been constant chaos. and love ... my heart is gone. i feel nothing anymore. i have emotion. i laugh at jokes. i smile at birdies. but its all programmed by clairvoyance. there is so much empty space and pain inside of me that anyone who has ever actually truly loved me has been blown away by it all ... like flesh to the extreme heat of the sun. time has no meaning for me. how could I even begin to put a notion of time on something that happened for 13+ years every day? its all so empty

 

[batgirl]

Actually I understand what you're talking about, all of it, because I've felt all those things too at various times. Some people don't want to get involved, they don't protect children, they don't care, and those people are assholes in my opinion. Why it happens though, who knows? Why did my dad shoot and kill my family and almost kill me? Why did I get cancer? Not trying to switch the focus onto myself at all, just trying to say, we're all here because horrible things have happened to us that don't make any sense and shouldn't happen to anyone. It's what we do with our lives now that's important.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Nobody,

First of all ask for a change in your user name. It does nothing except reinforce to your mind that you are a nobody. You are somebody...... You are a person that has been hurt. You have feelings just like the rest of us here. You are a human being.

Yes talk about love, hurt, death, emotional abuse, the therapist, your father, grandfather, all of them and everything that you feel.

In order to heal you MUST write it down, tear it apart, live it, feel it, let your soul bleed it all out. Then through the mind of an adult look at the bigger picture of it all. Accept that this is PART of you...NOT all of you, accept what you need to, leave what you don't, and learn to deal with what's left.

It isn't easy, it isn't pretty, it hurts like hell, and it exposes things that we would just like to friggin forget about..But we can't because it keeps coming back bigger and badder....

So start at the beginning, and let it out.

Wen

 

[nobody]

im sorry thank you for your consideration goodbye

 

[becvan]

Nobody,

You DO NOT have to apologize for your name.

You DO NOT have to change your name.

I agree that it's rather negative but when your ready you will want to change it.

No one is going to force you to.

*welcome to the forum!*

bec

 

[nobody]

batgirl...batgirl...batgirl... I don't know what to say. You have me pegged. For the first time in my life I can see someone looking right through me in every aspect. A lot of people say that but its never been true. You are stronger than I will ever be. People say I am strong for not killing myself but that isn't true. You are real strength and I hope you get better. I really really do. Quite frankly you are the reason I don't really feel comfortable telling my story. I know there are others out there worse than me. I know that... thats why I feel kind of silly. But I still sincerely don't know where to begin and as bad as I had it there are others worse off and... eh, it doesnt matter. My dad was a very violent person when he was drunk. I don't need to go into the specifics because I don't want to spark anyone else's bad memories. You can just use your deepest imaginations and that is just fine as far as I'm concerned because your darkest imagination is mostly correct. He tried to get me to hate her as I am sure you could already guess. I would suppose that's common in abusive men... My grandma... she had dementia and she was such a big ordeal and problem. But I love her... and I miss her. She was crazy, you know? but she was real. When my stupid mother went back to that asshole my gram was there with me every time. It was her who bathed me and brushed my hair. In fact the way she brushed it was cool because I felt like I was a mobster the way she would clean me up. It was all very prohibition. Everyone is glad she is gone but not me... I wish she was here. She had intelligence. She had the decency to stick up for what was right. I respect her as a person even if she was crazy. ...thats all for now. ill stop by tonight or tomorrow and...pick up where i left off with more memories.

:pot::kiss:

 

[batgirl]

OMG Nobody, please don't not share because of me!! Or because of anyone else for that matter. We've all had a very hard time, we wouldn't be here if we didn't. PTSD is the worst diagnosis for trauma you can get so if you have PTSD there is a good reason. Don't minimize it or compare yourself to anyone else.

I'm flattered by the compliments, thank you, but really, please just feel comfortable sharing and don't worry about others or compare yourself. We've all had tough times and comparing won't help you to get well. It's not a contest for who has the worst story... all the stories are shitty IMO.

I'm glad you started sharing. I think a lot of people can relate to having an abusive alcoholic dad, and all the other things you said. I sort of understand about your Gran too, my Gran also had dementia and I had a special relationship with her. She just died recently. Anyways keep sharing. I'm glad you came back. When you said goodbye I thought maybe we scared you away! :P Take care.

 

[nobody]

my grandfather died of cancer so you just surprised me. thats all. i would advise against being so forth-coming in the future. :dont-know

 

[nobody]

sorry I'm back. I thought I would be gone longer.

I'm kinda shy. I hope you don't mind. I'm anxious a lot and kinda bashful. I don't like attention. I prefer to stay behind the scenes. So thats why its hard for me to open up to people. I usually always keep to myself. I've always been very very quiet up until I started doing :pot: which made me a lot more social. I think I might've given into the pressure without my daily dose of :pot:. Its kind of depressing that I need something like that to be social... but if I don't have 2 cups of tea, and some :pot:, I can be very uh over-expressive and argumentive. I'm totally nothing like anyone in my family. I don't act the way I look. I don't like fighting. I'm a submissive loner by nature. This... thing... I guess... makes me use more of my mind than other people. It's not that I'm smarter, I'm not, I just think faster(edit: and sometimes my mind trips over itself). The PTSD itself is probably gone but what remains is... I don't know. I have no hobbies or interests. I have no desire to go on. Well, that's not entirely true. I do have a will to go on but only to get vengeance and I've already done that legally in my own way. I just want to be nowhere and nothing for nobody. Yet that's not possible. I can't go by a single week without someone interrupting my solace and causing some sort of drama. I don't know, maybe it's because I am in NY. I plan on moving soon to somewhere more quiet and away from the city somewhat.

 

[Kathy]

my grandfather died of cancer so you just surprised me. thats all. i would advise against being so forth-coming in the future. :dont-know

Ah. So she triggered you. That is not necessarily a bad thing though Nobody. A bit of triggering can be beneficial as it helps you to work on your own issues. Evie (batgirl) can be quite forthcoming but I believe that is a strength of hers and not something she should suppress. In any event, welcome to the forum. This is a excellent place to learn and heal.

 

[nobody]

She is very strong like that. Her words stood out and she knew exactly what was going on in my head. If she had not spoken I probably would not have went any further. I don't mean to compare anything. I was just making an observation. I don't have the courage for things like that because my mind is always one step ahead of my mouth.

anyway. im good with words in the poetic and lyrical sense. im really bad at most other things though, like math. I have to push myself to write things down. I have to push myself to want to do things and go against the feeling that I dont want to do them. I dont really want to do anything... id like to pick up the guitar again and start a band. maybe someday... is that strange? or normal? what is normal? How do I get to be like everyone else? :dummy-spi