Help - Difficult Decision

[shiraz]

I have a difficult decision to make. My Fiance and I have been invited out to a black-tie function - a birthday party of an investor. There will be government officials and political hobnobs. This is very strategic for Fiance, big honour to have been invited. He needs my support and needs to introduce me to some important people for both our careers. The live entertinment will be bellydancers - bellydancers are a trigger for me. I won't be able to just get up and leave if I have a panic attack and the dancers will 'waft' around all evening.

OK, so looks like I shouldn't go, but could supress panic attack all evening and deal with fallout later?? Could get meds for the evening??? Or disappoint Fiance and just not go??? Will also embarass Fiance to go alone and lie about why I am not there. Could also embarass him by going .... hmmmm. He is caught both ways. I hate this! I am caught both ways as will kow that he is being entertained by bellydancers - also a trigger.

He wants me to go so badly, wants me to dress up and wants to introduce me to everyone - they have all heard about me, but we have never met.

There is a possibility that I will cope. But equal possibility that I will not.
Take a risk and go???

Someone with a level head, please advise me!

 

[midi]

I don't have a level head, but I'd say, it's going to be stressful either way. Does your fiance know your situation?

 

[Deleted member 541]

If belly dancers trigger you, then the odds are, that you will be triggered....At least you are aware of the trigger, that in itself is a plus.....

There are things that I would do....I would wear sunglasses and say that I scratched my cornea and can't have too much visual stuff going on. I would then keep my eyes closed. I know lying really isn't a great thing to do, but if it stops you from freaking out in front of a huge group of people, then I WOULD!!!!!!

If that isn't an option, then keeping yourself grounded is about the only thing you could try. Self talk, telling yourself that you are safe. Possibly bringing something very small(a rock) that you can keep in your hand and rub it, and focus your mind on the rock verses the belly dancers.....

Breath through the entire night, slowly, and steady.......You are strong, and you can do this.....

 

[Noone.]

I had a similar situation a few months back. I had to go to the pre auto show for all the major car dealers in the Ohio, Michigan area. My trigger was more large crowds, bright lights and excessive noise. Now if I did not go I would of beat myself up and felt as though my fears had won. So I took an Adavan and went, although it was unconfortable at times I pushed threw it and felt like I had won. Don't give up and don't give in. Good luck. Fire.

 

[cragger65]

I think a big part of our troubles in these sorts of situations is our expectations of ourselves. Are you telling yourself that you have to "not screw up" or not "let down the team" (putting all kinds of pressure on yourself) or are you giving yourself permission to feel and perform less than perfect during this event, and planning ways of getting through it? Focusing on an object or physical sensation to keep you grounded was a good suggestion (I think that was She Cat).

I just know for me, bowing out of these things has become bad habit, and only increases my anxiety and self-reproach. I'd hate to see that happen to you.

 

[Leda]

If you have a good therapist, you could do some work with him/her before the event. That´s what I do when I have big events coming up. My therapist provides me with gounding exersises that has helped me trough many events.

 

[Dylan]

Hi Shiraz,

Well, here's my personal come-from:

I'm not really up for just bearing up/under it anymore. It's too draining, too tiring, too long to recover from, and there's very little anymore that's worth that to me - enduring trigger/stress response and then dealing with the fall out for days, sometimes weeks, after.

I'm not to the point where, under certain kinds of stress (i.e. the !@#$ conference I'm at right now for work), I don't go on full alert. I am taking Inderal (propranolol) for the CNS response (it prevents fast breathing, heart/blood pressure spiking, shaky voice, etc). I also was given Ativan, but I use 1/2 a Vicodin (not at the same time, but for different stress; Inderal works better for me for big groups, public speaking and the Vic works better for the hyper-vigilance of having to be around smaller groups of people when in a hyper-aroused state).

There are many, many situations in which this doesn't happen anymore. My healing progresses, my skills increase. But, for me, I'm not willing to endure full-on symptomatic response anymore. Not if I don't have to.

I guess that's the question. Since it sounds like you're pretty sure you'll have the stress response, the question is: am I willing to just endure, try to tough it out? If not, then choice is: I either use medication or don't go.

Leda mentioned grounding work with a therapist beforehand. For me, it depends on where I'm at with using grounding skills AND how stressful the situation is. If the stress goes higher than my skill level, I find that my response becomes even more panicked because, now, I've used everything in my arsenal and I'm drowning (in symptoms).

I guess only you can determine how strong your grounding/self-soothing skills are and weigh them against your potential stress response to this particular situation. If it looks like a near-tie, you could just bring the meds with you and, if it seems as though the stress is overwhelming your skill level, zip off to the restroom and take it. I've found if my stomach is empty, it takes about 20 minutes to start taking effect.

Anyway, good luck with your decision...I hate this kind of dilemma. These are the times that I hate PTSD the most.

-Dylan

 

[Claire]

Hello, I've had something similar too. I agree with Dylan its when I really hate PTSD too.

I agree with grounding work with the therapist. Also is it possible to go and break the evening into chunks giving yourself regular breaks when you might go outside for some fresh air or go to the ladies or anywhere where you can get some quiet time. It will take the intensity out. If you give your self these times regardless whether you think you need to take them. If you dont need them you can congratulate yourself and if you do need them you can use them to regain composure.

Have an escape plan too that means you can leave, eg. upset tummy. or something simple. If it really gets too much you can leave. If you go, dont be hard on yourself if its hard work. You need to expose yourself to this kind of thing if you want to live life. Its just a matter of doing it in stages.

Good luck.

 

[shiraz]

Dylan, I'm probably closer to where you are at with this - I can't handle the fallout which could last for days even weeks and my skill level is too low to cope with the immediate panic. Spoke to my T about it, have just started with her (can you believe it - she is a bellydancer!!!) she tried to suggest doing some exposure activities with me and then quickly backpedaled when she saw how suddenly my breathing changed with the mention of ' I think I have some photos lying around'. She is really quite good (and I'll forgive her for being a bellydancer ... he he) just need to get my 'arsenal' together before I expose myself to such HUGE stress. Opting for staying at home at this stage, but going out tomorrow to find something to wear, just in case. Thanks for the advice and all the best to you.

 

[shiraz]

Hey Cragger, you gave me something to think about there ... I don't have to be perfect, just have to get through it and give myself permission to feel less than perfect. This is a perfectly CRAP dilemma, as is PTSD .... hmmm ... wanting to be brave, but not feeling it.

 

[shiraz]

Thanks Claire, T also suggested taking some reading material along to keep my mind occupied while taking a break ... will take lots of breaks if I go and own vehicle for quick escape incase things get out of hand.

 

[Claire]

I think the fact that you are going out to get something to wear tomorrow and you have sought advice from people here and your therapist are pretty good signs that you want to do this. I think you should go for it. Even if you do get fall out afterwards it will be a brilliant boost to have gone and got through it. Even if it you need to leave early. Just to have tried will be a really good thing.

Reading material is a good idea. I was going to suggest music too if you have anything that calms you. Maybe you could get an mp3 player into your handbag? When I was having trouble with travelling on planes I bought myself a nintendo. It was a very effective distraction.