Help From A Vulcan Friend

[novemberDark]

Sorry reddevil1111 but I dont think that skydiving, after being airborn on a Leach many times, can give/produce the hype like the first time.

 

[reddevil1111]

It can. I did it at night. I did it from high altitude as well as low altitude. Over water and at night. With 120 pounds of equipment strapped on.

Its not combat that's true. But it can be one heck of a rush. Its what you make of it. BASE jumping is popular for a reason.

 

[Everhopeful]

Thanks reddevil1111, I get what you say and I appreciate the insight. Don't mean to hijack this thread (but seem to be doing so anyway, sorry sorry). Just want to say, my spouse is not a vet, ex-military or anything. Just a product of extreme childhood abuse and trauma, leading to a highly maladaptive life, heroin addiction, and being in abusive, no-win situations, notably being in a violent gang. Gangs are terribly violent here in South Africa. They are a subculture unto themselves here.

The mercenary thing I think was a culmination of being a gangster, he seemed to think he had nothing more to lose. I think it was a very dark, nihilistic time for him.

I agree on the numbness and needing huge emotional pain to feel something. He has a tattoo on his body saying that he is numb, but not comfortable... Another tattoo says he is dead inside.

I think some of his psychodynamics can maybe be compared to Combat vets' ones due to the experiences with violence.
Others are probably due to the Complex PTSD from the early childhood trauma/abuse.

Thanks again for the insight.

 

[rainy_daze]

I've never been in the army, but I have friends in the army, and ex-army. When I listen to them talk I get the impression it's a whole other world for them, a family unit, it's not just a job, and they believe so deeply about what they're doing that a little anti-war pacifist like me might never understand why they joined in the first place. I hope I never have to be in a war situation. My point is, I don't think shooting someone when that's your orders is always the same thing as murdering someone. It's a different context from going out, buying a gun, and shooting someone because that's what you wanted to do. It's a dangerous topic for me I guess, as I lost my friend to murder. A lot of feelings about it. Best to leave that topic alone I think.


I'm so happy to read this @nomedic1

I can hopefully find a way of finding the good in myself and believing what others say when they compliment me.

The good is there. You have been kind, helpful and always listened to me. You're also funny, as I've said before. Never underestimate the being funny thing, I think it is the best quality in a person. If someone doesn't make me laugh, well, it's not as fun to be around them. Plus, laughter is the best medicine.

Other high rated qualities of people (as rated by me) include empathy and a caring nature, and I think you have a great deal of both.

I don't think you're a bad person nomedic, for anything you may have had to do while doing your job. I also don't think you chose to have a horrible thing happen to you. Even if we end up making decisions that put us in awful situations, i.e. maybe you made the choice to have a military career, that doesn't mean we deserve the PTSD, right? I made the decision to make my own way home once when I was drunk and someone tried to assault me (and luckily I got away). I don't think I chose for that to happen to me, I just made a decision that was a mistake and was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sometimes we do things that cause us guilt or shame, and I think it's important to work through that. It's important to recognise that you're human and you make mistakes, and when you've been in circumstances that are out of your control. It's important to let go of an identity created from the trauma (for example, thinking you're a terrible person because you had to do a terrible thing, when to the contrary you're actually a good person). I know some of me hating myself comes from being abused as a child, and I often think of myself as being really stupid because of it. Objectively though, this is wrong and needs to be replaced with who I actually am, in the here and now. Maybe that's what is needed nomedic, for you to really believe the good in you is there, regardless of the past.

I hope I'm making sense and I haven't over stepped with my honesty, nm, I have an abstract thinking style and type too much. Anyway, it's a great step @nomedic1 , I hope you can start to paint yourself more the way that others see you. :hug:.

 

[novemberDark]

I know it's not the same it is different when you are able to justify in head what you did. I get it but I don't.

Controle comes in and goes autopilot.

Trained or not there was that same autopilot before.

They should know not to play with something that was perfectly fine before, not coming from the natural defence its, indoctrine. Yes still the same for protection for self and others but now it seems shifted.

I know a many went to places deliberately with insentiveness to protect and with believes. I do respect that I ve heard the sincerity.

Strong ones. United we stand, but it still came from a nature of survival.

I watch dear ones trying to live everyday, sometimes by the hour with with what had to be done.

Wanting to continue to do so now and here. Thats very positive and that's where it belonged in the first place.

I hope that in that place of initial belonging there can be found self acceptance.

Is not required to that extend use of death force anymore. Required more is the use of life force in this place now. For self and others. I get nauseous about conditioning.

I have seen once understand self it can have a positive affect.it doesn't last 24/ 7 in the beginning but all took time conditioning before didn't happen over night. The subcountious was long formed in childhood before and she does always win!

There can be no logical shame in incentive that came from natural. The thing I think is support and acceptance. That combatptsd site is so awesome. I tried to get everyone on there. Some take my word some could not read on there yet
. They'll push eachoter.

 

[nomedic1]

@Rainy daze I was conscripted I never had a choice it was either military or get put in jail. I admit I was patriotic until I saw what was really going on, then my world became something out of some weird movie.

 

[rainy_daze]

I honestly don't mean to sound ignorant, I guess it's a whole topic I know little about. Apologies if anyone didn't like my previous post or really understand it, my head was a bit jumbled and it's hard for me to think about this kind of stuff.

I'm sad for you nomedic. It sounds very cruel to me. I don't really have words for it.

On the other hand I'm still glad there's positivity in you after having to join the military, and what came with that. Keep being strong in yourself and trusting that there's plenty of good in you :hug:. Rooting for you. Hoping I get to read a list of compliments you believe soon.

 

[nomedic1]

Not a problem rainy daze thought I would just clear that up not angry or offended

 

[nomedic1]

As I go through this exercise I see that I don't have a self image. Strange as that may sound I realise when I look in the mirror I see face that needs brushing shaving, I look at my hands and see my work tools. I have been using my Vulcan friends technique of 5 minutes of no confirmation bias, it works but it's i have no sort of opinion from my childhood, my parents never gave me a self image to work with, it seems I never really noticed this I always just thought I was a normal joe. But since my PTSD. I can't see me for me.I probably sound like a whining idiot so I apologise

 

[rainy_daze]

You don't sound whiny, or idiotic. No need for apologies, nm.

What makes you think you're not still a normal joe, just one who has realised he lacks a self image?

my parents never gave me a self image to work with

Can you explain what you mean by this? I'm struggling a bit to fully understand.

 

[nomedic1]

A bit of validation like well done nomedic you passedt that course or son we think you are doing a great job we love you

 

[rainy_daze]

I think you can be proud of yourself and I bet the Vulcan lady @Ms Spock would agree. You're trying out the technique she suggested and sharing about it.

They sound like crappy parents for not saying those things to you. That's praise and love you would have deserved. (((nomedic)))