General Help - he attacked me

[Confused1467]

I’m at a complete loss. Out of nowhere my husband attacked me. We had a wonderful night out and he just snapped. People intervened. It was bad. His anger has gotten worse and worse over time. He is never happy. The signs were there. I’ve told him to get help as he just seems never happy. After he got back from deployment his rage is just so much more. We’ve been married for over 10 years and together for 14. He did have some anger tendencies in the past. Alcohol is also a factor with these anger rages. Please help. I don’t know what to do. I asked him to leave the house he complied and is very remorseful. I can’t have my children around this situation. My spirit is changing with the changes in him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm so sorry this is happening in your family. Does he recognize that he needs help now? Is he still active duty?

Nobody should have to deal with abuse directed at them. Having PTSD does not give him an excuse. Feeling rage is a symptom of PTSD, but it is his decision on how he responds to it. Violence is not a symptom... it's the way he chose to react to one. It was the right decision to get him out of the house and away from the kids if he is being violent.

 

[Confused1467]

He’s getting help. I guess he looked into military resources during the time he had to reflect. Is it even possible to recover from something like this? I’m talking about me too. I’ve lost all trust. Yes he’s active. It was as if he became someone else when this happened.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Untreated PTSD is a beast. It is going to be up to him to deal with his mental health. As supporters we're helpless in this aspect. PTSD isn't curable, but it's treatable, if that makes sense. It takes time, effort, and treatment. He has to want it, and he has to do his own work.

As far as PTSD relationships, they are possible. They do take a lot of work though. Your partner has to be healthy enough to function in the relationship though, and willing to put in the effort. If he is unable to think about any of your needs, at least some of the time, he isn't healthy enough to be a partner to anybody.

As far as forgiving the violence... everybody is allowed to have dealbreakers. You are not a bad person for being done with this relationship if he is laying hands on you. Even if he has PTSD. There's not one single justifiable excuse to physically hurt the person you love. If you want to stay or leave, it is up to you. Just don't stay out of guilt because he has PTSD.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Is it even possible to recover from something like this? I’m talking about me too. I’ve lost all trust.

If you don't feel safe with him in your life, it's okay to not have him in your life if you can avoid it.
If you want to see if things can work out, after he gets some treatment, there's nothing wrong with that. But there is also nothing wrong with leaving him over what he did.

It's never okay or excusable to hit your partner, and you're doing the right thing by keeping yourself and your kids away from him. I had an alcoholic father and I wish my mother had protected me from him.

It's natural to lose trust after something like that. I'm glad you didn't tolerate it. I wish I had been that strong.

Also - don't feel afraid to seek out a little therapy for yourself, if you feel like this whole situation is stressing you out. Take care of you, take care of your kids.

 

[Abstract]

Totally agree with the others. Will add that him starting therapy isn't going to mean he is stable enough to be around you - in case you are tempted to take him straight back. If you do decide you are open to mending the relationship I suggest you live separately and take this slowly. He has to show he is stable enough and has done enough healing to earn back more contact, step by step. That is assuming there was no abusive behaviour before the PTSD hit. The first step should probably be some sort of anger management help.

I am assuming he attacked you knowing it was you and not in the middle of a flashback?

 

[Confused1467]

Totally agree with the others. Will add that him starting therapy isn't going to mean he is stable enou...

I don’t think it was a flashback but it was very strange. The moment after he tackled me he started saying oh no. And he did this in front of a lot of people. It did almost seem like he had no clue what was going on.but again alcohol played a role that evening.

 

[Abstract]

It wouldn't matter in terms of him not being safe to have a relationship at present. It would matter in terms of how much you could trust in him changing and what the underlying vehicle is of his behaviour. Alcohol is usually an attempt to self medicate but it can result in either less impulse control or result in instability in the PTSD symptoms.

Flashbacks and re-living experiences can come in different guises. Not saying he was having one but its something that may be worth exploring. If he was drunk and taking out his anxiety on you then that is one thing. If he was only half in the room and didn't fully understand what was happening it is another. The second is pure PTSD the first is someone expressing their distress about their PTSD by acting out.

Do you know what he was reacting to? In other words did he have an issue with something you said or did? Or someone else? Has he been aggressive on a general level? Arguing and threatening you.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it would be good to set a zero tolerance for alcohol boundary. If alcohol influences him to act like this, if he will not abstain then he does not deserve to have you or his children in his life. None of you deserve to be treated this way.