General Help. he's having flashbacks bad. i dont know what to do.

[lolamay]

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to search threads and plus I'm really flustered.

My boyfriend has combat ptsd. He usually handles it super well. Until he gets drunk. He had promised me months ago that he wasn't going to be super drunk anymore bc he know that I hate when he sets himself up to fail. Long story short, he got drunk Friday night with some friends. Saturday at dawn he called and told me, I said I was super dissapointed in him and very sad about it. He didn't talk to me the the rest of the day and finally showed up at home last night, Saturday night, wildly drunk and having major flashbacks and hallucinating. I called his mom since she can talk him down some. I had never dealt with him like this, in the year and a half we've been dating. So the rest of the night I did what his mom instructed, which was mostly to get him to sleep.
He finally did but kept getting up with nightmares or more flashbacks. He wakes up now and then being what I suppose is his normal self and just apologising profoundly and asking if everyone is OK.
His mom isn't answering the phone anymore so I don't know how long this kind of thing lasts?
What do I do, how can I help keep his mind in the present and stop going back to how he failed me, or worse, all the way back to combat?
I've been trying grounding things, like tracing my fingers on his face and making him just notice that, and having him just listen to the birds outside to stop hearing what's in his head. I don't know what to do and I'm scared and feel way in over my head...
Once he's better o definitely know that I can't continue. I'm a single mom and I can't take care of both of them like that.
Please help.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can't fix it or stop the flashbacks. They'll stop when they stop.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough night. I'd send his drunk ass to his momma's house until he sobered up... especially if he knows this happens when he gets drunk and he still chose to get drunk. That's his own fault, not yours.

I'd leave him be and go out and take care of your kids. He's a grown man.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Hi :)
telling him how disappointed you are in him or that he failed is going to only exacerbate the problem; he’s probably already beating himself up about this and instead just some gentle reassurance that you are there for him and that it’s not the end of the world for making a mistake :) Feeling that support can be a major help, if he started feeling the same feelings as he did before that caused him to drink he will remember that he has you for support and can lean on you instead of the drink.
Flashbacks can be scary; not only for us but for our supporters. Sometimes with flashbacks I just have to ride it out and do anything I can to hold on, grounding can be used for that. Sounds like you already have some techniques, here are just a few others to try as well :)
-if he is able ask him to take a deep breath and tell you 5 things he sees in the room, 4 sensations he can feel (a rough blanket, cold in the room, the pressure of a hand on his leg etc), 3 things he can hear, and then have him take some more deep breaths.
-get a cold washcloth and hold it either on his face or his forehead and cheeks; turn the sink on cold and have him hold his wrists under the cold water while taking deep breaths (or can get a washcloth very cold water and hold that on his wrists if he is unable to do that)
-bilateral tapping is a good grounding technique to learn
-at a time when he is present, finding out a texture or feeling that reminds him where he is/something completely unlike the trauma (example: most of my worst flashbacks are about a trauma where I felt a silky fabric so to ground I have something totally opposite, a rough blanket so I can feel the rough and know that I am at home and not there) and then use that object during grounding.
I hope some of this helps, best of luck :)

 

[lolamay]

Thank you guys for your responses. Believe me, if I could I totally would have sent him to his mom's! But she lives on the other side of the country and he and I live together, just moved in actually.
In retrospect I completely agree that my telling him so bluntly how I felt pushed him down deeper. Two years ago I left an abusive marriage so I'm now very interested in establishing firm boundaries for myself so I know that I was so direct for my own sake. I'm having trouble bridging the gap between protecting myself and not exasperating his situation.
Thank you for the grounding tips.
I think now I need tips for how to break up. While I was talking to his mom about what was going on, we realized that he has been lying to both of us about some really big things. Elaborate lies. I really wish I could just tell him to go back home to his mom's once he's recovered, but I'm afraid for the downward spiral that would cause.
But I know that this is over for me. After what I went through in my marriage, I have zero tolerance for lies of any kind, and he knows this perfectly.
I'm so sad. And exhausted.

 

[Freida]

Flashbacks are hell - and drinking to avoid them never works. And you are right - this isn't what you signed up for. Especially if you set the ground rules at the beginning. Is he getting any counseling?
Tell him that is a must before you will even consider talking to him about a relationship.

One thing -- you said you had recently moved in together. That can be a huge trigger so if he hasn't added like this before that might be why he freaked out.

If you are ready to leave -- leave. don't drag it out. As a sufferer that would be the worst outcome-not knowing if you were serious or not, or if there was something I could do. He will blame himself enough.

If he freaks out again here is an option... Veterans Crisis Line | Suicide Prevention Hotline, Chat & Text
They can not only work with him in the crisis moment but get him set up with help.

Most important!!! You are not responsible for his behavior or his reactions. Don't let yourself get sucked into that hole

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD is no excuse for lies. Good for you for having healthy standards and boundaries!

 

[Sighs]

Protect your kid. First and foremost. Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Gs172003]

Please. Please. Please. Don't get involved with an alcoholic especially if you just left an abusive relationship and especially with kids.

Sorry I had to get that off my chest.

 

[lolamay]

So I did it. We broke up last night.

The more I talked to his mom, the more I realized that he is a pathological liar. So I knew I had to get out. But I didn't want him to know that I knew he lied about so much, I don't want him to hate himself more than he already does.

So I just told him that it was all too much for me, that I couldn't do it anymore. He took it well and said that he was glad I told him and did it this way. He quietly collected his things and made his way out. Before he left he did make a few manipulative comments, like I knew I couldn't have it all, I tried to be a good person but I'll just go back to what I know, etc. He was a bit agitated that I wanted him to leave right away.

So overall it went well. But I'm scared that he might try something. Like that he'll be so sad that he gets wasted again and comes to my place. I just never really know what to expect from him.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

So I did it. We broke up last night.

The more I talked to his mom, the more I realized that he is a pa...

Good for you. Hopefully he won’t do that but sending lots of hugs and strength your way :hug: that was a brave move :)

 

[lolamay]

Thank you for the encouragement. I know that I made the right decision. He's not a bad person, but he is self destructive and I can't help him with that. Maybe if I didn't have my daughter and I was ten years younger - but that's not how it is. That breaks my heart for him. I think the sadness of it is just starting to sink in...

 

[Sweetleaf]

Good on you for freeing yourself from a relationship that wasn't healthy for you. That's always quite the relief. If he bothers you anymore, don't be afraid to call the cops on his ass. If he shows up drunk at your house, you and your kids safety is first.

Don't feel bad about what you did - it was the right course of action. He set himself up for that - he failed at his end of things, and did so knowingly. He knew if he drank it would be bad - and everyone should automatically know that lying is bad (though I swear some people don't understand that lol). If he was a pathological liar and a drunk, it's definitely good that you left him. Such situations can evolve with time and become much worse, I know from personal experience. You did a good thing, don't beat yourself up over it. Being with a self-destructive person often means you get dragged down with them, and you've dodged that bullet. Even if you didn't have your daughter and you were 10 years younger, I'd say that being with someone like that isn't worth it.

Hope you feel better soon.