AthenaErdmann
Silver Member
Your input, questions, comparable experiences and insights about this are welcome and much needed.
Background:
Arriving on time and being on the road the minimum amount of time are important things for my husband. He also does not like to wake up any earlier than what is necessary. He hates being late, he hates others being late, and he dislikes arriving too early. He prefers to bicycle or drive and dislikes public transportation. On highways he generally drives 15-20 km/h over the speed limit (our speedometer shows 7-8 % under, so that is relatively safe re: speeding tickets). He has no diagnosis.
I like to get up early and have time to drink my morning coffee in peace, before the rest of the family awakes. I know that I straighten up things at home as a part of my morning routine (semi-compulsively), check that the kids have what they need, and almost always forget myself for a moment if I find something interesting to read or alternatively remember something to pack or print at the 11th moment, so I prefer to have enough time in the morning. I prefer public transportation, and if I have to drive I try to find a relaxed speed, making sure I will not get a ticket, and keep long distances to other cars if at all possible. On highways I generally drive 10 km/h over the speed limit (which is completely safe re: speeding tickets with our speedometer). My diagnosis is medium-severity ADHD, and I use Concerta during the work week and Ritalin during weekends and other not-so-demanding times.
During the school year I typically wake up 20-40 minutes before my husband, and he wakes up 5-10 minutes before the kids. Now we are all on vacation, staying in the same place where we have often spent our vacations before: in a cabin on an island, from which it is a 15 minute boat ride to the marina on the mainland, where our car is parked. From there it is a 20-25 minutes drive to our town's center (more during the rush hour, of course). Our vacation has only just started.
The problem at hand:
I don't want to tell my husband that I was 25 minutes late for my therapy this morning. Yet I will likely have to, to justify why I want to wake up half an hour earlier next week, to be on time then. I am now guessing that his response will be surprised, disbelieving and disappointed, like I must have done something wrong, as leaving the cabin one hour before my appointment time wasn't time enough.
To make this more real, I'll describe the route I take to therapy while on vacation.
1) walk to our pier, pack my stuff in the motor boat
2) take the boat to the marina on the mainland (today 15 min)
3) unpack onto the marina pier, moor and secure boat
4) walk to the car, take off boating overall, pack the car
5) drive to town (today 25 min), find a parking spot
6) walk to my therapist's office from where I parked (7-8 minutes if I want free parking)
We had talked about when I should leave (on my initiative), and I said that I probably should get out through the door at 8.45 (which in hindsight would also have been too late, but better than 9.00, which I managed today). Yet I could not bring myself to say that I want to leave at 8:30 and put my mobile phone to alarm at 7:00 AM – I set it on 7:25, instead. Despite the consciously shorter time, I could not stop myself from picking up stuff, emptying a shopping bag he had left in the kitchen, bringing in a bag that a kid had forgotten in the shed etc., and my morning was therefore too slow for the limited time I had planned. I actually considered skipping breakfast, but thankfully didn't, because that would have made me an unsafe driver. The kids woke up around 8, hubby around 8:30.
I did not show too much stress at the cabin (I hope) but I noticed that I was growing tense. By the time I got to my therapist, however, I was crying my eyes out. I realized that I self-censored my time window because I feel my need for time is unacceptable to my husband. After over 16 years together he still often reacts with surprise and questioning, wondering if all the time I need for activity X really is necessary. He will stop his counter-arguments every time eventually, if I can stay calm long enough and with light humor insist on that I want to do my morning / getting to place Y / studying for an exam in my own way, but he usually walks away from these discussions shaking his head in disbelief. And after 16 years that hurts. Why is this part of me not acceptable, why has he not learned to remember that this is who I am regarding time, why has he not seen that I am happy getting up early, that I don't suffer from early mornings, on the contrary? I understand that he has opinions about how we use time together and as a family, but when it is only about me - ? For example, he did not need to do anything for my trip this morning, I pilot also the boat myself.
I have talked about this time issue with him, also when we did couples therapy last winter, and he seems to get it when I explain, in a discussion, that I have different preferences from him in many things. Yet in the immediateness of real life he appears to have difficulties in understanding why I want to do something in manner X, when the “obvious and natural” way for him would be Y. Our oldest kid also seems to be developing a habit of saying to him “now you want me to be grown-up again” in situations that much resemble my experiences of this type with him.
It helped to write this down, but I'm still pretty much at a loss concerning how I will manage to avoid this type of time problems in the future. I must not self-censor (because that just doesn't work, as seen today), yet I don't want to keep hearing that my timing of activities is strange. Even hearing my husband say “I'm trying to stop myself from saying what I usually say at this point” or “Oops, I did it again, didn't I” would be a big improvement. Yet he does not seem to retain memories of the situations when he criticizes my use of time well enough to have an inner picture of his own behavior - it has to be a really big fight for him to remember it at all, and he says he usually only remembers - in a patchy manner - how he felt during it. He remembers very few words (his own or mine) and sometimes he even forgets what the issue at hand or cause of the quarrel was.
Any ideas where we could go from here? Any questions? I have likely forgotten to mention something relevant, I usually do when I am just starting to deal with an issue.
Background:
Arriving on time and being on the road the minimum amount of time are important things for my husband. He also does not like to wake up any earlier than what is necessary. He hates being late, he hates others being late, and he dislikes arriving too early. He prefers to bicycle or drive and dislikes public transportation. On highways he generally drives 15-20 km/h over the speed limit (our speedometer shows 7-8 % under, so that is relatively safe re: speeding tickets). He has no diagnosis.
I like to get up early and have time to drink my morning coffee in peace, before the rest of the family awakes. I know that I straighten up things at home as a part of my morning routine (semi-compulsively), check that the kids have what they need, and almost always forget myself for a moment if I find something interesting to read or alternatively remember something to pack or print at the 11th moment, so I prefer to have enough time in the morning. I prefer public transportation, and if I have to drive I try to find a relaxed speed, making sure I will not get a ticket, and keep long distances to other cars if at all possible. On highways I generally drive 10 km/h over the speed limit (which is completely safe re: speeding tickets with our speedometer). My diagnosis is medium-severity ADHD, and I use Concerta during the work week and Ritalin during weekends and other not-so-demanding times.
During the school year I typically wake up 20-40 minutes before my husband, and he wakes up 5-10 minutes before the kids. Now we are all on vacation, staying in the same place where we have often spent our vacations before: in a cabin on an island, from which it is a 15 minute boat ride to the marina on the mainland, where our car is parked. From there it is a 20-25 minutes drive to our town's center (more during the rush hour, of course). Our vacation has only just started.
The problem at hand:
I don't want to tell my husband that I was 25 minutes late for my therapy this morning. Yet I will likely have to, to justify why I want to wake up half an hour earlier next week, to be on time then. I am now guessing that his response will be surprised, disbelieving and disappointed, like I must have done something wrong, as leaving the cabin one hour before my appointment time wasn't time enough.
To make this more real, I'll describe the route I take to therapy while on vacation.
1) walk to our pier, pack my stuff in the motor boat
2) take the boat to the marina on the mainland (today 15 min)
3) unpack onto the marina pier, moor and secure boat
4) walk to the car, take off boating overall, pack the car
5) drive to town (today 25 min), find a parking spot
6) walk to my therapist's office from where I parked (7-8 minutes if I want free parking)
We had talked about when I should leave (on my initiative), and I said that I probably should get out through the door at 8.45 (which in hindsight would also have been too late, but better than 9.00, which I managed today). Yet I could not bring myself to say that I want to leave at 8:30 and put my mobile phone to alarm at 7:00 AM – I set it on 7:25, instead. Despite the consciously shorter time, I could not stop myself from picking up stuff, emptying a shopping bag he had left in the kitchen, bringing in a bag that a kid had forgotten in the shed etc., and my morning was therefore too slow for the limited time I had planned. I actually considered skipping breakfast, but thankfully didn't, because that would have made me an unsafe driver. The kids woke up around 8, hubby around 8:30.
I did not show too much stress at the cabin (I hope) but I noticed that I was growing tense. By the time I got to my therapist, however, I was crying my eyes out. I realized that I self-censored my time window because I feel my need for time is unacceptable to my husband. After over 16 years together he still often reacts with surprise and questioning, wondering if all the time I need for activity X really is necessary. He will stop his counter-arguments every time eventually, if I can stay calm long enough and with light humor insist on that I want to do my morning / getting to place Y / studying for an exam in my own way, but he usually walks away from these discussions shaking his head in disbelief. And after 16 years that hurts. Why is this part of me not acceptable, why has he not learned to remember that this is who I am regarding time, why has he not seen that I am happy getting up early, that I don't suffer from early mornings, on the contrary? I understand that he has opinions about how we use time together and as a family, but when it is only about me - ? For example, he did not need to do anything for my trip this morning, I pilot also the boat myself.
I have talked about this time issue with him, also when we did couples therapy last winter, and he seems to get it when I explain, in a discussion, that I have different preferences from him in many things. Yet in the immediateness of real life he appears to have difficulties in understanding why I want to do something in manner X, when the “obvious and natural” way for him would be Y. Our oldest kid also seems to be developing a habit of saying to him “now you want me to be grown-up again” in situations that much resemble my experiences of this type with him.
It helped to write this down, but I'm still pretty much at a loss concerning how I will manage to avoid this type of time problems in the future. I must not self-censor (because that just doesn't work, as seen today), yet I don't want to keep hearing that my timing of activities is strange. Even hearing my husband say “I'm trying to stop myself from saying what I usually say at this point” or “Oops, I did it again, didn't I” would be a big improvement. Yet he does not seem to retain memories of the situations when he criticizes my use of time well enough to have an inner picture of his own behavior - it has to be a really big fight for him to remember it at all, and he says he usually only remembers - in a patchy manner - how he felt during it. He remembers very few words (his own or mine) and sometimes he even forgets what the issue at hand or cause of the quarrel was.
Any ideas where we could go from here? Any questions? I have likely forgotten to mention something relevant, I usually do when I am just starting to deal with an issue.
