Relationship Help..... I Dont Know What To Do

[celia]

Here4him,
He had oct birthday too and it came and went and I did NOT contact him.I have more to post to everyone . When I can collect myself I will let you all know of a major update. Not a happy stor stay tuned

 

[christine12]

99Phoneix99 there are not even words to express how much i truly appreciate your words and your advice. I thank you for noticing and validating that I have had a difficult past as well and that I do understand aspects of some PTSD. He expresses to me when we discuss relationships that he doesn't feel comfortable yet because he wants to assure that he doesn't hurt me.... i respect that but dont see where that is actually even capable of happening even in a normal relationship. He has told me several things about his actions and the way he gets sometimes when he has his moments, he has also expressed that when he feels certain ways he wants to be left alone, or sometimes he just doesn't wanna talk as much or text as much, sometimes he has days were his body hurts so bad that it hurts to the point he cant move. I always am there to ask are you ok is there anything i can do or say to help or I just try and make him laugh to take his mind off of certain things. Sometimes when I am having a bad day but I realize he is having a worse day I just keep my issues to myself and try to stay up for him.

I just really wonder sometimes if I am enough for him is everything with the PTSD more than me, is it more important than being in a relationship with me. I know that PTSD doesn't define a person but it can take over so many things and it seems to by posts on here to destroy people and relationships and friendships. I guess really I want him to take a chance go out on that limb, I expressed to him today that he has told me things, he has shut me out at times, he is way too brutally honest at times, and he can be difficult and moody BUT I AM STILL HERE and I haven't wavered and I still stand on my original feelings that I want something with him... I asked doesn't that count for something... his response I guess... and than he said he was just tryna figure things out with him because he wants to make sure he doesn't hurt me.....But here's a question does he realize that this is hurting me not being able to be in a committed relationship with him?.

I am going to great lengths and I at times have realized that I do start to lose myself in just the factors of what I can do to make things smoother and more easier but I am starting to realize that I cant do that and that I am more important than I give myself credit for.

 

[AS1975]

You are important, YOU have to recognise and believe that, in fact you have to do so more than he does right now (because he can't while you don't). There is an awful correlation between what can happen in relationships with sufferers and that is that supporters get some fulfillment out of the dysfunctional relationship that CAN develop, which is an awful and mutually destructive thing. One thing I know from my own history is that if the supporter has their own mental health issues, over and above that of the sufferer, then the two tend to build off each other (symbiotic-type relationship), which can lead to a spiral of arguments, deepening mental/psychological abuse, all the way to physical abuse and so on.

It is never acceptable to hit your partner (be you male or female), nor is acceptable to encourage abuse because it is a response, or to continue in a relationship DESPITE abuse. This is particularly important when there are alternatives that can negate this cycle developing or continuing. Yes, there are difficult aspects to ANY mental illness, and some acceptance is going to be required, but that does not excuse the inexcusable.

 

[99Phoenix99]

He expresses to me when we discuss relationships that he doesn't feel comfortable yet because he wants to assure that he doesn't hurt me....

I"m a little confused. So you have asked him already if he'll be in a relationship with you? And he said he wasn't ready for one? - I'm just asking for clarity.

 

[Nicolette]

But here's a question does he realize that this is hurting me not being able to be in a committed relationship with him?.

I would take that differently - IMO he is actually being very sensible and honest if he acknowledges he cannot make a commitment that he can't uphold. Please don't guilt him into something he says he is not yet capable of.... that is not fair to either of you as he is then in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

His honesty may hurt you but it would be nothing compared to him making that commitment and then not measuring up to what would be even greater expectations (even if only in his mind).

 

[Nicolette]

I would strongly recommend you read this thread Christine12 [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/carers-co-dependency-information.8894/[/DLMURL]

 

[celia]

Christine12,
I may not say what you want to hear but when I read your posts, I feel I'm looking into a mirror. I know what you are feeling. Stop and pause....Read more about PTSD. Your boyfriend is telling you he doesn't want to hurt you and feels extreme pressure in dealing with his feelings within himself. You have to detach from taking it all personal. If you love him, wake up each day being thankful that he is by your side in sickness and in health, good days and bad. Let go of the comittment title and work on being patient. I wish I would have really not blamed myself that it was me he didn't want to commit to. We have no idea what they are dealing with inside. Processing what they are feeling moment to moment is like swimming upstream for them.

Ptsd is not more important than you, but it is an overwhelming burden to your man. You are requesting too much validation and Ptsd or no ptsd he is going to feel pestered and will squash it if he gets overwhelmed. Ive made the mistakes of holding on too tight, wanting validation, I was naive. If I could do it over again...I would take a step back and go day by day. The difference between you and me is that your man has admitted and is trying to manage the PTSD. Time is the healer and you need to give it to him. If you love him you must set him free , give him free will to come to you. Don't needle him.

When he hurts your feelings...stop, pause...and say this is not him, he's feeling overwhelmed right now...

I want to see you two succeed in this relationship. I want you both to be happy. I learned the hard way and he didn't manage his ptsd or accept it and I was naive and didn't understand...I lost.

Peace and love

 

[christine12]

Thank you all for your advice and comments I will take all your words into great thought thank you very much

 

[christine12]

99phoneix99 we discussed being in a relationship and he told me that he wants to be but his greatest fear is that he will hurt me and thats what he doesnt want to do. I know by his actions he wants so much more I just think the fear of the past relationships he has had keeps him from going farther because he is afraid of what would happen.

 

[99Phoenix99]

@Chrissy

From what you described it could either be one of two things. One: Because I like giving the benefit of doubt and I'm going on what you've said, it sounds like he wants a relationship but knows he can't handle it. Which I agree with Nicolette, it's a very sensible thing to admit. Or Two: He's stringing you along. I'm not trying to be mean but from a 3rd person point of view? It is a possibility. Ultimately only you will know the truth I'm just tyring to give a helping hand and putting that option out there.

I'm not exactly sure what type of relationship you're in now. It could be just friends, causual, or something else entirely but regardless of what your relationship is now you need to think about what it is you want from the relationship. You need to ask yourself some questions.

• What is it that you want to change in the relationship? ie what will make you happy.
• What is he offering/bringing to the table?
• What won't he bring to the table?
• Whatever he won't bring to the table can you continue on in the relationship you are in NOW without it?

That last question is very important. Can you continue on at this point in your relationship? If you can't something needs to give. While you're being kind and understanding to his needs you also need to be kind and understanding to YOUR needs. Can he meet your needs? This is about you and your wellbeing.

It sounds to me he's already told you where he stands as far as your relationship is. He's comfortable where he is now. That's where he wants to be. Which is essentially a land of limbo for you. And no matter how much you want to, you can't force someone out of that mindset. Because if you did force them to the new relationship it wouldn't be by their own volition. That only bodes disaster.

Am I saying drop him like it's hot? No. Yes. Maybe? But the ball is in your court. He's indicated he can't make a decision. But you can.

You can continue on as you are now or you make a change.


I would suggest the change, because as you've indicated this situation isn't making you happy. And in the end it all comes down to all of us on this thread wanting for you to be happy. Please don't take this message to be harsh, I'm just hoping that from this you can know that you CAN take control of this situation.

 

[christine12]

99phoneix99 I truly appreciate your wise words of wisdom o this and sometimes we always dont wanna hear what people have to say but I entered this Forum with a open mind wanting to hear others opinions whether it be from a supporter or a sufferer because in reality all I want is helpful advice.

That all being said I take in information better when I am reading it and reading the words that you wrote made me have questions of myself for myself. You brought good valid points to my attention what is it that I want, or desire to have.?? What is it that would make me happy? and am I willing to just settle with what we have now until he feels comfortable?... These are all questions that I need to sit back and think about for myself so I can have answer.

As far as what the limitations of are dating is now, we haven't consummated are dating we definitely thought that would put more complication into something that we aren't sure of yet. I think that he is comfortable with where it is because it allows him not to carry any responsibility to expect more from him. I really dont know what I am gonna do I think maybe I need to take time out to figure that out for myself and face myself with my own reality.

Thank you
Chrissy