Help me learn how to heal

[Sean848]

I’m new to this and trying as a last resort. I’ve tried programs, groups, idk what else but it’s been years of trying. I guess I’ll just put it out there. My first memory is of my Mother doing things to me and my little brother. Not my first but most prominent childhood memory. She would leave for periods of time and me my brother and dad were happy together. Some of the best memories of my life. Well fast forward through unimaginable abuse to me at 18. I go to prison. 2 months into my sentence my Dad dies. I have to serve 8 years and did most of it in a prison where you were supposed to be 25+. You can imagine some of the things I seen there. Regardless I do my time. Only visitor I had for those 8 years was my brother. We were inseparable. I got out and did well for myself. Until one night. Long story short my little brother shot himself in the head in front of me. I held him. I screamed. I cried. No I howled. And now I’m completely broken. I wake up screaming and crying. Every waking moment is torture. I’m just wondering if anyone out there knows how to heal. How do I start. I’m lost. Please.

 

[Rose White]

That’s so much to carry… maybe too much. Your pain and exhaustion is palpable. Have you heard of grounding techniques for managing the overwhelm? Might be a place to start

 

[Sean848]

I do practice grounding. Mindfulness is most helpful. I just feel like I’m losing hope. Time goes by but the memories don’t fade. The flashbacks don’t relent. Sorry. Yes. Grounding is very helpful. But feels short term.

That’s so much to carry… maybe too much. Your pain and exhaustion is palpable. Have you heard of grounding techniques for managing the overwhelm? Might be a place to start

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Grounding and mindfulness are helpful. Sometimes nothing works and I’m forced to relive it. But those are helpful. Thank you for caring.

 

[Rose White]

Yes it is short term. Are you working with a therapist or other professional to face your memories?

 

[Sean848]

Yes it is short term. Are you working with a therapist or other professional to face your memories?

Yes. I’ve been doing emdr for about 3 years. Haven’t made much progress. Mostly because, well, it’s just extremely difficult for me. There’s so much anger and I just can’t find peace inside. And the memories are so intrusive. I’m trying truly I am. I just wish I could find someone that found a way.

 

[Friday]

The first time I was in the PTSD Badlands it took me roughly 5 years to get my symptoms down to zip/zero/nada/zilch… or close enough as to make no difference.

I didn’t do therapy of any kind, beyond picking up tips & tricks from people who’d lead the same kind of life as me (like deliberately triggering yourself, to get better/faster at dealing with them… so what used to take hours, became seconds, with practice… became chipping away at triggers/stressors until they no longer caused a reaction, full stop). Basically? I didn’t like myself, or my life, and so I set about changing it. I had 2 rough lists; the things that were the biggest problems in my life, and the minor stupid annoying shit. The big stuff usually took ages to sort, but the little stuff I could knock out. So I did both at the same time. Some big pain in the ass thing or two, would get sorted in the same amount of time I’d knock out a couple dozen pissy things. Shrug. Kept me motivated.

Good solid 10 years symptom free (or almost) followed that.

The SECOND time I found myself back in the badlands??? Was because the first time around ALL I focused on -on purpose, although on accident I did some processing- were symptoms. Didn’t know any better. And I led a damn good life, after, so I don’t regret that… but I WISH I’d have known back then to work on both symptoms AND root cause. What happens when a person doesn’t? The right combo of new trauma, stress, &/or loss of coping mechanisms can drop kick a person all the way back to square one.

But I didn’t know that, because I’d been winging it on my own.

So this time around I’ve been a) reading / researching / working with others AND b) doing both; working on my symptoms (just like before) as well root cause & trauma processing.

It’s taken longer, but that’s mostly because I have more going on.

***
1. So what’s f*cking up your life the most? What do you want to hit first?
2. What’s f*cking up your life the least? (Hit that, too.).
3. THIS >>> The ptsd cup explanation

 

[arfie]

I do practice grounding. Mindfulness is most helpful. I just feel like I’m losing hope. Time goes by but the memories don’t fade. The flashbacks don’t relent. Sorry. Yes. Grounding is very helpful. But feels short term.

in my own recovery, those short term solutions eventually added up to long term habits and healing. there are no quick fixes or total cures. i still have episodes and setbacks, but the short term solutions get me through until the episode passes. "one day at a time" remains my lifeline. i heal a bit more with every episode i survive.

Sometimes nothing works and I’m forced to relive it.

processing those memories is a huge part of recovery. i take symptom resistance to therapy tools as a sign that i **just** need to turn around and face my demons. don't fear danger. master it.

 

[Sean848]

Damn. I really appreciate and value everyone’s insight. And want to say how grateful I am you even took time out to respond. I’ve grown accustomed to stuffing shit down and telling myself nobody cares. I won’t let your words go to waste and will do some digging. It’s hard going at it alone when you’ve never been taught any kind of proper skills or tools to heal. All I’ve ever known is chaos and destruction. I don’t have any supports so I’m extremely grateful. Thank you.