Relationship Help me understand

[Deleted member 43988]

Hi everyone,

In the beginning of 2016 I became friends with a guy through a shared interest (online), towards the en of 2016, it started developing into much more than just friends, we became each others confidantes, we flirted, and we trusted each other, we are comfortable in each others company (Voice Chat), and we are planning to meet this year.

To start with myself, I have some psychological issues, stemming from childhood and the relationship with my family, whom I do no longer have any contact with.

My FwP (Friend with Potential) as I call him, is the sweetest, most kind and patient guy I ever met, but he has severe PTSD, caused by extensive mobbing in his youth, mobbing that lasted for 15 years, so into adulthood. He has also had 2 burnouts, almost killing him. As well as some other issues.

He has for the past 18 month been in therapy with a team of thirteen healthprofessional, everything from psychiatrist, psychologist, physiotherapists, sexologist, etc. 9 therapy sessions per week.
He is very dedicated to his healing process, and hence is very disciplined with his routines, right now he is putting his health above anything else, which is perfectly understandable.

The first serious thing he ever said to me, was, "You and I, we are the same." Our relationship has for the past 10 month been somewhat of a rollercoaster ride, due to me liking him to a perfectly normal guy, without any issues, and many time I have said to myself, oh no, he is not interested, and withdrawn myself from him completely, which it appears, makes him very anxious. He wrote in a message to me, "We have shared so much, do think I am about to give that up?" He is so patient with me, forgives or tolerates all my nonsense. And we keep coming back to each other.

I have a real hard time, due to my own problems, and can almost break down, I crumple, when I have no contact with him for a few days, thinking the same every time, he is not interested. Yet on facebook I can see he visits my profile every day, sometimes more times a day. I know this may make him sound like a stalker, but I think he just soaks up the comfort of knowing I am there, and he can reach me whenever he needs me, just like I know, that all I need to do is to send him a message, "I need to talk", and he will be there for me. I don't want to impose on him, I want him to feel safe with me, and I want to give him all the space and time he needs. He tells me everything, even very private and intimate details about himself, though nothing about what he went through to cause his traumas.

That is ok, I don't pry, and I have from the very beginning, told him, that he should only tell me something, that he is comfortable divulging, and that I will never pressure him to tell me anymore than that.

My impatience is the big problem, I was never a patient person, though I am getting better. I don't disintegrate anymore, when I don't hear from him, if it is for a long time, I may send him a message, just to let him know I am still here for him, whenever he needs me.

When we first started connecting at a personal level, I did fall in love with him, but what I feel for him today is something quite different, much deeper.

I would very much appreciate some feed back, how can I help him best, be there for him, even when he withdraws, and to help me understand him better.

 

[The Albatross]

Well, first off, I'd do some self examination about when he's not around for a couple of days you don't handle it very well.

 

[scout86]

Reading that, honestly, the first thing I thought is "anyone can pretend to be anyone,, on the internet."

And people can construct some pretty elaborate stories for pretty obscure reasons. Do you have evidence to support him being for real? Some liars are pretty convincing. The thing that stood out to me is the level of therapy you described. That's unusual. It's also expensive. A lot of people couldn't get that level of support, whether they needed it or not. How's he paying for it? I'm not saying he's lying. I'm just saying, "be careful".

 

[ms spock]

Have you got therapy for your own issues? Therapy would also be a good support for you during times of withdrawal.

 

[Deleted member 43988]

Reading that, honestly, the first thing I thought is "anyone can pretend to be anyone,, on the internet...

I won't resent you for your comment, even if a little condescending, but I know one has to be careful on the internet, so thank you for your concern, but I am old enough and ugly enough to take care of myself. I know online stalkers, I have had enough of them, and this he is not. They operate quite differently. They want to possess you, he does not! Have behaves nothing like a stalker.

Yes I have evidence who he is, his mother, his sister, his niece, his friends, so very much indeed, and have also written letters to his adress, no he is real enough.
The level of and amount of therapy described, is partly because he has more than one issue, his story is not for catching prey, I think most would run screaming away. But I feel I would betray his confidence if I told anymore about his conditions, than I already have.

Also he lives in Holland where the healthcare system is paid for via taxes. Hence the cost is not his problem. And will never be mine either.

Just to clarify, this is not a guy I have met on a dating site, but through a shared and common interest.

 

[Deleted member 43988]

Have you got therapy for your own issues? Therapy would also be a good support for you durin...

Yes I have/had, I never turned up to my appointment last tuesday though. I did not think things was going anywhere. The psychiatrist had told me, he makes no diagnosis's, only 'talk-therapy', which meant me sitting talking about this and that, just to fill the silence, I got the impression he was half asleep most of the time, this was confirmed, as I once asked into something I had just said, and he asked me to repeat it, as he had not heard it. But previous to that, I had several times wondered if he was at all present in the moment.

 

[Deleted member 43988]

Have you got therapy for your own issues? Therapy would also be a good support for you durin...

Thank you for your concern and your answer, I am learning about the importance of having therapy/coaching myself, as I have been reading quite a lot in the last week. But also to resolve my own issues of course.

 

[Deleted member 43988]

Well, first off, I'd do some self examination about when he's not around for a couple of days you...

Thank you Albatross, I do a lot of self-examination already, if you mean, considering what is what, and what is up, and what is down, probably far too much, as I start reading things into things, which may not even be there.

I constantly question myself, when I don't hear from him for a few days, it is part of my psychological make-up, which I am hoping to get treatment for. I have issues due to neglect, abandonment and loss in childhood, and the same issues with my ex-husband, and four years ago, a break up riddled with betrayal, which left me in debt for the rest of my life. 14 month later I was the victim of a crime, comitted by supposedly trustworthy people, whom I was introduced to by a friend. I do take care of myself, I am financially independent, but most of all, I would like to know how I can help him as much as possible. 1) by being as strong and supportive as I possibly can, and for that I need to recognise my own issues first. My questions is really, how to be supportive in the right way. I worked many years with traumatized animals, and I am actually using some of the same techniques with my FwP.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

anyone can pretend to be anyone,, on the internet."

VERY TRUE!!! I have ran into this MANY TIMES.

a team of thirteen healthprofessional, everything from psychiatrist, psychologist, physiotherapists, sexologist, etc. 9 therapy sessions per week.

9 sessions a week??? That is almost 2 a day! Is he inpatient? If not, I have a super hard time believing that! My therapist is $125 a session. With insurence its like $15 but insurence would NEVER cover that many sessions! That's insane if outpatient. Once, maybe twice, a week is about normal. But twice a day? That is super expensive!

I am sure someone is going to come around to shoot this down but that is how I see that.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Hi :)

Not trying to be condescending at all, but it is highly unusual to have 13 health professionals, 9 sessions a week? I'm sure you are very careful about the people you meet online, but as someone who has been in therapy for years for trauma that lasted years, I can tell you that 13 proffessionals with 9 sessions a week would be more than highly uncommon, I can't imagine any health proffessional even reccomending that. 9 sessions a week and 13 proffessionals would wear you out, it would be a strain to have to work through so much; your mind needs time to rest and process in between sessions, with 13 health proffessionals it is strange that they find having 9 sessions a week healthy. It would be overwhelming.
It sounds like you really care about this guy, and if he is for real, just showing you care is one of the best ways to help. Just be careful :)

 

[Deleted member 43988]

VERY TRUE!!! I have ran into this MANY TIMES.



9 sessions a week??? That is almost 2 a da...

No, he is not impatient, as I pointed out before, he has more issues, and not exclusively PTSD, he has physical as well as mental issues, and he is fighting for his life. He is on no medication whatsoever, as he does not want medication. The 9 sessions, include group therapy, and yes he has had to cut his work to a minimum in order to do everything,, and they have now stopped, about 80% of his therapy, as he was in danger of getting a third burnout, which would be the end of his working life.

I know it is hard for you Americans to understand, but we have welfare in the EU, and every single legal citizen in the EU, has healthcare. And in many cases like in most of the northern EU, healthcare is free, it is paid for via the taxes. So no citizen has to put their hand in their pocket to get healthcare. My sweetheart is dutch, so healthcare is not a problem, just a matter of registering your child when it is born.

It is overwhelming for him, no doubt about it, he had less, when we met, but it was increased to said amount at the end of March, where he also informed me, that I would have to forgive him, if he became more distant over the next six month. And yes he withdrew at lot from everything, including me, but gives me the feeling that it is now we have to see, if we can live through bad times as well as good times.

He is to undergo major surgery either this month or the next, hence he has been to the hospital this week, to have blood tapped, I grew up in the medical world, and have worked in it as well, and I have rarely seen such a complex health as he has.

This is why I am asking for support, to help me be strong and get through this, and not to have weird suspicions thrown at me, I am 57, I have lived in many countries all over the world, I have beaten, cheated on, robbed, I have an extensive life experience, which very few will manage to top.
So I am a bit upset, at being talked down to in this manner, have my words doubted and I am being judged. I am honest to a fault, far too honest, this is not what I needed. But thanks all anyway.

 

[Deleted member 43988]

To be quite honest, I think he has himself pushed to do everything in one go. Before we became close, he had written off his life, relationships, career, everything. But since we became close, he has hope again, and he wants those things fixed, which prevents him living life and having dreams. And he is very responsible, principled, dedicated, and aæso very disciplined. So much so, that he will not meet me, before he can give me a relative normal relationship, which he is still not able to. But hopefully after the surgery. This is why he has been in such a rush. But maybe we wont even have the right chemistry once we meet, no one knows, but we are both hoping.