Help On Communicating

[tryingtogetanswers]

I cannot express how happy I am to have found this site. It sure has turned a lot of bad days into hopeful ones. I hope this isn't incredibly repetitive but my boyfriend suffers from PTSD. Let me start by saying how much of an amazing man that he is. He genuinely cares to do good and help others as a first instinct, and that i love. He has all the most amazing intentions on being the best person.

As of late, we have been having many issues. I feel like he has shut down on me and has begun to start picking me apart. He has been through therapy (inpatient) and is currently doing prolonged exposure therapy. He was on a really good path for a little while but lately his anger has been brewing over nearly anything. He takes majority of it out on me and it is beginning to become hard to deal with. Whenever we have any type of disagreement he immediately runs to either isolating himself to video games or just blocking me out 100%. As I know it is very difficult for him to cope with his emotions, I myself am beginning to reach my breaking point. I feel as if everything in our relationship revolves around him and if a situation ever begins to prove my feelings or point he will just cut me off. Its almost like he will have an argument with himself. No matter the issue, I some how am feeling like I get the blame for everything. He is always telling me that I’m not the kind of person he wants to be with or that I’m acting like a child. Generally my response is always listening to him (trying to get my feelings in when I can but then he cuts me off) and giving him his space. I’m starting to feel like he doesn't care about my feelings and emotions at all. I constantly do research to try and inform myself of any knowledge that I can find about his condition, how he feels, how to communicate better with him. I really have been researching everything lately because I’m starting to feel very alone. I am hoping I could get some useful tips on how to communicate with him more effectively to hopefully inform him on my feelings. I feel like he forgets that I am a human as well and I too have wants, needs and feelings. I know that sometimes that he just can’t help or control his anger but I am starting to feel a little bit neglected. I love learning, hearing advice and stories from others who have been in a similar situation because it reminds me that I’m not alone and that there is hope. I would love any advice on this situation that I can get. My main thing is that I’m hoping to help him realize that yes, I am very dedicated in helping him live the happiest and healthy life that he is capable of but I too need attention and affection. Constantly getting the blame over anything and everything is really taking a toll on my emotions. No one likes to be talked down to all the time nor do they constantly like to hear everything that they have wrong with them. I surely would never do that to him. I try to be as understanding as I possibly can with everything that he’s dealing with I know it’s a lot. I just want to be here for him and be his safe place but he makes it very difficult by neglecting my wants, needs, feelings or even opinions on anything. I know he loves me but I just really want to get through to him. I can’t be strong for the both of us all the time and keep my stuff inside while he goes to town on me about what I need to change. Any advice on getting through to him nicely and calmly would be so greatly appreciated.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you currently live with your boyfriend?

Is it possible for you to give each other more space, and disengage from one another at times?

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well first welcome to the forum and i hope this place helps you, and in return him, as much as possible.

My question to you is does he later feel bad about the outbursts or take any sort of responsibilty for his behavior?

See, us sufferers are still responsible for our behavior and how it impacts others.

Also, is he in therapy, and/or are you, and/or are you both in group therapy? If not, it does help (all 3 ways is best if possible) and if so, he can be taught to learn how to feel these outbursts coming on and remove himself and/or give you a sort of cue or key word that he is close to going off. Eventually he can be taught to catch himself quicker and easier until it doesnt happen at all. And he has unresolved stuff he also needs to work out.

Its likely for different reasons as mine blind rage explosions are BPD related, unsure how much, if any, are PTSD related but though I still dont have control over them, I have been taught to feel when they are about to happen. Its not much of a warning, a minute, maybe 2 if lucky, but usually enough to tell whom is there "stop" which is my "key word" if you will (though generally ignored) or if i can, enough time to remove myself from the situation.

Though ive never been violent, it is blind, i havent a clue what im doing or saying until its over. I also always see the wrong in it and appologize, which is why i asked if he does anything but blame you. Take responsiblity of any kind, as his behavior is still his responsibilty, not yours.

I certianly recommend a therapist, if you dont have one, to work with you both individually and together...as that can help you worry about you and just you in those times...your mental health is important too, and give you both a fighting chance.

If it doesnt get better, id say then you need to do whats best and safest for you but hopefully this helps some.

:hug:s if you accept!

 

[tryingtogetanswers]

Do you currently live with your boyfriend?

Is it possible for you to give each other more space,...

Thank you! Yes we do live together.. We spend a fair amount of time apart due to schedules.. When we are together we hardly talk.. It's watching tv... I feel as of lately when we do talk it's him getting on me about every little thing that he can possibly think of. Another big issue is balance. He prefers to sit in our room and play video games with his friend. It's almost like his friend takes more priority than our relationship. It's tough for me because I don't want our only time together to be just bickering but I also want to let him know how I'm feeling.. I guess in hopes that he will respond and make a change... Im unsure if how to approach him now.

 

[EveHarrington]

If he's in exposure therapy right now then he may be dealing with a lot emotionally.

I'm not trying to make excuses for his behavior, rather give a possible explanation as to why he's distant and irritable.

Of course your emotional needs are very important in all of this, too. Is he willing to sit down and have a heart to heart discussion with you?

And do you mean that he has friends playing video games in your bedroom? Maybe it's just me but I don't like other people in the bedroom.

 

[tryingtogetanswers]

Well first welcome to the forum and i hope this place helps you, and in return him, as much as...

Thank you so much for taking time to respond. Really means a lot. Yes he is in therapy currently and we are talking about couples therapy. I think it would be wonderful because maybe that could help him understand better. But I feel like majority of her time when we are together were either doing their own thing or he decides to play video games in the bedroom with his friend. To me that feels like he doesn't care about our relationship or my feelings. When we do talk when we're together we usually Becker because he is blaming me and picking me apart. I wish he was aware that he is responsible for the way he acts and treats me. I understand and that when weare spending time together we usually bicker because I'm upset that he's not "hearing" me and he his focused on telling me to change the things that he is irritated with..it's making things rough not being able to communicate and then when he chooses to play video games and isolate himself with his friend then I start to feel like he doesn't care... Any suggestions on how to approach this gently? Again thanks so much for your time.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But thats just it @tryingtogetanswers ultimately he is, responsible for his behaviors, as am I, as are you, as are any of us.

This isnt ok. And id quickly tell him (with his therapist if needed) what this is doing to you and develop a sort of "action plan" or id have to say that for your own mental health, you need to exit the relationship.

I get it...i do it..and was forced into therapy because of it, but ultimately i did learn how to feel it coming on and put an "action plan" (like a fire drill) into place. Now my supporters not hearing "stop" like one would "fire" isnt my fault. But id say this would be good for you two and couples therapy (and id even go as far as to say a bit of infividual therapy for you) but couples therapy is a must for you two to come up with these sort of "action plans" and for you to find your voice to voice your needs in the relationship.

If he cant hear it or do it...then there would be a different "action plan" for me as then he is telling me what he shows as a higher need, possible higher value, himself. And in my opinion, a healthy relationship is waking up asking to yourself "what can i do for [the other partner] today?"

Just my 2 cents.

 

[mary1979]

He's deflecting.

Either his exposure therapy is really hitting some raw wounds (I dont know a lot about this type of therapy) which cause him to feel TOO exposed, which I know is the point, but whenever I strike on something real that I've been hiding from or denying I go into a state of detachment and look for a fake reason to be pissed off, anger is a go to response to self protect (fight or flight instinct)
Usually my husband cops it, because my other aim is to push anyone thats too close to my real pain far far away so I can head safely back into denial without anyone knowing.

Or he is really confused about how he feels so makes something up to explain to himself why he doesn't feel right.
You'll be the target for that as well because, well, you will forgive him.

I agree with others saying he at least needs to take responsibility for it later on and attempt an explanation of some sort, but that's bloody hard when you feel like a jerk already.
Its taken me years to be able to say to my husband 'you know what? That wasn't really about you, it was me and here's why'
Actually I think he figured it out himself and started pointing it out to me first.

Also, your man plays video games to 'get out of his own head' for a bit probably, I used to drink.
Its tiring in this brain, wanting out is normal.

All this being said, you are important too and you cant let him keep taking advantage of you like that, your resentment will build and rightfully so.

A marriage counsellor will help, and since he is open to that, and relatively commited to his own therapy also, I think he is still worth some time.

Speak up.about your feelings when the environment isn't volatile and you are feeling happy with each other maybe?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

(I dont know a lot about this type of therapy)

Exposure therapy exposes you to what scares you/terrifies you the most, and its HARD so i agree with possible deflection...or he just hit a very super raw & super emotional part and this is the only way he knows how to express it.

I agree with others saying he at least needs to take responsibility for it later on and attempt an explanation of some sort, but that's bloody hard when you feel like a jerk already.
Its taken me years to be able to say to my husband 'you know what? That wasn't really about you, it was me and here's why'

Hard but necessary. He needs to learn, fast that 1) this isnt ok, 2) others are affected and how it affects/what it does to others.

If he doesnt even have to say why yet, just admit after that it was wrong and appologize (he may not know why) but just that would go a long way and theres something about taking responsibilty for it that is helpful for both the sufferer and those around him that are affected.

A marriage counsellor will help, and since he is open to that, and relatively commited to his own therapy also, I think he is still worth some time.

Agreed! Actually if it can be his current therapist since some trust had some time to build or start to build (if possible) and id even go to the same one for individual counseling for myself and though they cant go into details about him, they can tell you things specifically you can do (therapist knowing him) and can help you tend to your needs too.

Id say without at least the couples therapy and you finding your voice in a way he can hear and take it in, you guys dont have much of a chance...and a therapist can both help you to come up the best receiving words and help him to recieve it and come up with "action plans" and things like "date night", things to do together without his friends and its just you two.

Resentment will begin to build and you dont want that to happen. Its hard to work through resentment.

I hope this changes some for you both as you both deserve to be as happy as possible!