General Help! Sufferer In Rage Mode

[bootz]

So I'm in a relationship with a c-PTSD sufferer.

In the beginning he showed so much love and the last week he has barely been talking to me he just now accused me of cheating on him witch is UNTRUE.

I told him a lot of re-assuring stuff, I love you, there's no one else, etc

Then I mentioned that it's his PTSD and that I love him anyway. Was this wrong?

Any insight would be much appreciated. I know this is a kinda vague post but I'm really upset and can elaborate more when I calm down.

Thanks

 

[Bilby]

Sorry to hear about this bootz.

I'm not sure whether your actions were right or wrong - how did he respond? It's good that you tried to reassure him.

I can appreciate why you are upset - it sounds (on the surface without knowing anything else) as though he has recently been withdrawing (as PTSD sufferers tend to do) but the accusation - I'm not sure where this comes from.

 

[bootz]

So this is not the first time he's gone off making no sense about me talking to some guy. I truly have no idea where he got the idea from....I have done nothing to provoke it. He's barely talked to me the last week.

A little back ground- he just started seeking treatment sense I've known him and on and off he tells me he's no good for me, then goes on about how I'm his whole world, etc. It's just all mixed messages. He won't talk to me for a day, then gets mad if I don't text him for a few hours.

I've tried leaving him alone like it says in the feeds I've read, that didn't work.
Then I've been texting once at morning, and once at night to "establish trust"
Not sure what to do now.

I guess my real question is, is it ok to point out that a sufferer is acting out of PTSD related issues, when I feel he is having an "episode"? Or should I just try and disengage ?

 

[msqualia]

If it were me, I would not engage someone who was accusing me of cheating. I think I'd deny it once, and then refuse to act as if he had said it a second time. It's not appropriate, it's not in your power to change his mind about it if he has arrived at it out of the ether. I, personally, would let him know I still loved him and sympathized with where he was, but would make interaction conditional on not being hurtful.

I don't think it's helpful to volunteer that it's a symptom. I don't think it works.

How long have you been in this relationship? I think it's important to establish for yourself what boundaries you have that are "deal breakers," and consider that you must break off a relationship with someone you care very much for if they are crossed. It is very very sad if someone is abusive in part because they are acting out an illness, but that doesn't mean you are helping by being his punching bag, if that makes sense.

I'm not sure texting twice a day establishes trust. You are not a bad person. There is no reason to assume, for any reason, that you are not faithful. There is no reason to behave as if his lack of trust is a thing you must fix by behaving as if you are not trustworthy. I'd say that's at the very least borderline abusive.

If he gets mad because he's entitled to contact (twice a day!), that's not OK. You need to live your life as a separate person, even if you are in love or married. From my own experience with codependence, I know it is imperative for my emotional survival not to let someone's needs subsume your personal autonomy.

If I were you, in your situation, I'd break up with him. And I might do it over the phone despite it being a jerk move, because someone being that kind of controlling makes me afraid for my safety. However, this is your decision, and I respect whatever it is. At the very least, I hope he will be kinder to you, because you deserve it.

 

[Bilby]

I think it's probably jumping the gun to break up with him, but I think working on your communication with him (and him with you!) would be seriously beneficial to you both. Would he be open to this? You will find some seriously useful information on this site about the benefits of assertive communication, and I can say that for me, it has been really helpful in my relationship with my husband.

I think setting some boundaries would be appropriate too. I think you need to know - from him - exactly what he needs from you when he is going through PTSD times. It may be that he wants distance, it may be that he wants communication (but limited) or something else entirely - but the key here, is obviously communication and that works both ways.

It's fantastic that he's getting treatment for his PTSD. Have you got some formal support for you too?

B x

 

[bootz]

I really appreciate the advice.

I think it's important to note that this behavior has only been bad the last week. Tonight was the worst, it's been. Well see how it goes.

I'm pretty firm, I totally acknowledged that the behavior was unacceptable.
I won't be his punching bag, other than these little outbursts, he's a sweet, kind, loving man. It's hard when you know that it's not really the person who's acting that way.

I guess it's hard to explain, I've been there when hes said one thing and then right away acknowledges that its not what he really thinks . And literally said, "that's not right". I know he can get better. I've had my own mental health issues.

Mental health issues are like walking in a fog, IMHO, It's like I could see reality and my skewed perception side by side at times. I was confused sometimes, normal the next.
it gets better, it just takes time, and what helped me was when people told me I was not in reality in the most Compassionate way possible. I just hope it's like that with PTSD.

 

[Bilby]

Have you considered reading the book called The PTSD Relationship? It's a great read and might help you in your understanding of PTSD? I know it did for me.

I'm glad that you were able to say to him that his behaviour was unacceptable. It sounds as though he is having a difficult time at the moment if he has been distant from you and has also lashed out (both are very common things!). PTSD or not - certain things are never ok and it's important to acknowledge that, however.

Good luck :)

B x

 

[bootz]

Thanks bilby!

Yea I have a lot of my own support. This site has done wonders too. I'm so greatful I found it.

I told him about it recently, maybe part of the trigger. And I've gotten really close to him too, that may be part of it. I see that he's pulling away, and "poking at me" trying to instigate arguements lately.

I love him and I'm just waiting for the turn around when he stops isolating.

:)

 

[myvetswife]

If he wants guys around him who know exactly what he is going through tell him about the sister page http://

You can not excuse everything with PTSD, but a lot of the arguement is the unsureness and a lot is the pushing away.

Be carefull that you leave the situation when it gets too much. I always wait then and talk to my hubby when he is in a better mood´.

 

[PTSDMama]

The point about not engaging is a good one. I struggle with that when C accuses me of things that are not true, and it's always better to wait until everyone is calm to discuss further if needed.