General Challenge of being sufferer and (ex) supporter at the same time

[Ecdysis]

I have PTSD myself but have also been in the supporter role in my last 3 relationships.

In one relationship, where my partner had really, really bad PTSD, he was actually most self-aware and best at dealing with it and thereby ended up being less of a burden on me.

In the other two relationships (one PTSD & ADHD & substance abuse, the other PTSD and ??? (suspected BPD)) both partners were not self-aware, were either refusing or reluctant to seek medical help and therapy and were a huge burden on me.

In retrospect, seeing it written out like that, I wonder what the hell was I thinking getting into those relationships at all.

At the same time, as a sufferer myself, I know that people are not just their diagnoses.

I probably should've been posting here throughout these three relationships, but it's testament to how messy it was that I couldn't even get the "supporter" role clear in my own head.

Sigh... what a mess. One thing that I'm proud of, at least, if that's even the right word, is that I did end both the two very troubling relationships, tho with one, I got entangled in a long phase of co-habiting as exes which nearly did my mind in.

That situation finally came to an abrupt end yesterday, with cops at our house, cos things were heading towards some kind of suicide/ homicide mess.

I'm still reeling and kind of in shock. I managed to get some sleep last night but I'm still quite dysregulated, still very hypervigilant, still going into fight/ flight mode constantly, heartrate is much too high, and I'm worried I'll end up dysregulating and having a nervous breakdown if I can't calm the f*ck down.

I also feel a sense of relief at the same time, like I'm finally waking up from a nightmare.

ETA: I need to examine how threats and abuse have been used to stop me putting a final end to these relationships. So many threats ranging from "I'll mess up your life intentionally" to "Your life will be worse without me" that are clanging around in my subconscious and totally tieing into my own PTSD from childhood trauma.

 

[Ecdysis]

Can't ETA the above post anymore, but I really, really need to explore that last aspect of threats. The two really bad relationships ended with me saying I refuse to put up with this anymore and both ex-partners lashing out horribly in their abandoment issues. So many threats. I was told over and over and over that my life without them would be "awful" and I think I've really internalised all of that to a distressing degree. I just expect things to be bad these days, don't expect anything good from life at all anymore, just feel like I'm getting older and everything's going downhill and getting worse from here on in. It's setting up a total self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn't realise how badly all of those threats had affected me subconsciously.

ETA: When this whole nightmare started 7 years ago, I remember thinking "I've lost my mojo". In fact, I allowed these 2 exes to steal my mojo. I need to get it back. I can't believe how much of my life energy this has used up. I mean, I was aware that being in the supporter role was taking up a lot of energy. I didn't realise it was so bad that it was using up all my energy to live my own life tho. It's been like having vampires sucking the lifeblood out of me.

I'm so annoyed at myself... After going through childhood trauma and seeing abusive relationships first-hand, I always swore to myself that I'd not get involved in abusive relationships myself. Can't believe it happened to me. I'm wondering how... I have to say, reading the other supporter threads here, having a partner who has a trauma history... there's a certain allure to it... I don't know how to word it right... but it sucks you in... the drama... it's like witnessing the trauma second hand and wanting to "help" and then getting sucked into the dynamics of it, which are that you can't "just" help someone with PTSD, it's such a complicated minefield that ultimately, they can only help themselves by getting therapy and by being proactive about that... But yeah, it draws you in... being a witness to it and wanting to help... And it's so dramatic... The constant drama of the fears, the meltdowns, the dysregulation... it keeps you sucked into the dynamic because you never get a space of calm and quiet to actually reflect in. The next drama's already brewing, before you've recovered from the last one.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Untreated PTSD is pure unadulterated hell on a relationship.

 

[Ecdysis]

My mind is a mess right now. I dunno how I slept last night, but I did. Alcohol helped. I don't usually drink, but eh, in an emergency, any relief is welcome.

I keep oscillating between fight/ flight hyperarousal and overwhelm/ shutdown. There's so much survival blood chemistry coursing through my veins right now.

There's so many things I have so sort out... so many messes... financial, legal, practical, employment related, etc etc...

I don't know where to start... I feel like I have to hit the ground running to stand a chance of surviving this (financially). I'm also in the middle of a god awful bout of depression (I guess I'm basically hoping for a miracle here that the depression will turn out to have been due to the housing situation and will therefor miraculously evaporate now, leaving me with enough energy to deal with things...)

I need to do about a thousand things more or less "now" while also working on getting re-regulated and doing some kind of adequate self-care.

Meanwhile my brain is alternately flooding me with negative memories and future outlooks of doom and gloom and overwhelm.

I need to work out some kind of regimine of alternating truly effective self-care with "fight mode" of attacking problems and tackling work to be done.

 

[Ecdysis]

I spoke to my Dad about the situation. He's offered to give me some money. It's not much but it will help tide me over for a bit and it means a lot to me because he's got a PTSD/ childhood trauma background too and doesn't have much savings either, so I know the value of it.

Talked to some friends too. I was grateful that they "got it". They were good conversations.

I think that's got me feeling a bit more grounded, a bit calmer, a bit more regulated. I don't feel as raw and as frazzled as I did this morning.

I've started shifting some of his stuff out of the kitchen. Just so I can see I'm making some slow and steady progress.

I'm not sure "how much" I should try and get done today. Reregulating was the one huge and urgent task on my to do list for today. Reaching out to friends seems lile a healthy thing to do too. I hate talking about my crap and hate burdening friends with it... I'd much rather use more neutral spaces like therapy or here. But ugh, I'm aware that it's healthy to discuss these issues with friends too.

Other than that, I think I'll try and put his stuff from the kitchen out into the trailer today. Then I can reclaim it as my kitchen. That seems like a manageable goal.

I also want to spend some time in the garden with my dog. In the shade cos it's really warm here today. I need some rest cos I'm recovering from the flu/ bronchitis.

Tomorrow I have a volunteer thing to go to. I was supposed to go today but rescheduled cos there was no way I could do it so dysregulated. It's only for an hour so that should give me a bit of a sense of normalcy and purpose tomotrow, hopefully. I also need to do some chores tomorrow that I hate.

And then Tuesday morning will be the changing of the locks ceremony.

 

[Ecdysis]

I think I'm still in a state of shock. At least now, okay-ish hours are alternating with panicky moments. I don't feel safe in this house yet. I won't, for quite some time until all his stuff is gone.

He's supposed to be coming here on Tuesday to pick up another car and trailer load full of stuff. The police will be involved to some degree at least - being informed of arrival and departure times, etc.

I think my nervous system is also anxious about potential retribution. He's threatened so many things over the years. I'm not going to bother repeating them all here. But they've left their mark.

I'm guessing, all in all, I'll need 6 - 12 months, for things to truly settle down and to feel like I've started a new life.

I've arranged to meet for coffee next week with a friend who's gone through a similar situation.

 

[Ecdysis]

Ugh... really bad start to the day... I've cancelled the volunteering thing today... I just can't face any of it.

If this depression doesn't start easing up soon, I'm screwed.

 

[Ecdysis]

Grrrr....

My ex showed up unannounced at the farm today - expressely the opposite of what had been agreed.

We spent an hour arguing and since then he's been here, packing up more of his stuff.

It pisses me off because the ADHD crap grates on my nerves so badly. Total randomness, chaos, broken agreements, drama... I hate it.

I've spent the time hiding in my room just so I can escape the chaos.

I'm a bit annoyed that my day's been relatively unproductive due to this.

But... I'm also relieved because things have de-escalated since Saturday and things are relatively calm. Which is a long way away from the worst-case scenarios my stressed brain was running through 24/7 for the past few days.

 

[Friday]

I have PTSD myself but have also been in the supporter role in my last 3 relationships.

The overwhelming majority of my relationships… my partner has shared my brand of crazy.

ETA: I need to examine how threats and abuse have been used to stop me putting a final end to these relationships. So many threats ranging from "I'll mess up your life intentionally" to "Your life will be worse without me" that are clanging around in my subconscious and totally tieing into my own PTSD from childhood trauma.

Very fair.

Especially as NONE of my partners with PTSD have ever done that. But both of my abusive partnerships have.

Which isn’t to say people with PTSD cannot be abusive. In reality, in my own experience? Far more are, than are not. People with PTSD OFTEN treat their partners badly. Which is wrong. And needs to stop.

The two really bad relationships ended with me saying I refuse to put up with this anymore and both ex-partners lashing out horribly in their abandoment issues. So many threats

The MOMENT someone threatens me? We’re done. Full stop. Whether they’d act on the threat, or not. In MY world? You do not hurt the people you love. You do not threaten to hurt the people you love. Full stop.

 

[Weemie]

being a witness to it and wanting to help...

My old therapist was big on transactional analysis, and he would call these behaviors a manifestation of the Karpman drama triangle. It's an older model that hasn't necessarily aged well, but I found it useful to realize that part of my own "victimhood" was my over-identification with perpetration (in my mind, "I'm not a victim, I'm a perpetrator" and my therapist going "you idiot, that's the same picture" )

Essentially, "victimhood" tends to vacillate along a triangular axis of victim (this happened to me) -> perpetrator (I did this to others) -> rescuer (I intervened). When we are in the "victim" mindset, we can engage in the process of perpetration and rescue as well as by being a more "traditional" helpless entity. It sounds like you got sucked in due to your desire to be the "rescuer," which sounds positive on its face, but typically results in extensive emotional labor, abandonment/attachment triggers, etc. And ultimately reduces the other person's agency (by attempting to fix/solve their problems for them, instead of empowering them to do so on their own).

While these situations are undoubtedly painful for you and certainly abusive, it is something that you can take forward with you as you work on your recovery (and your mojo!) people who you are drawn to that you want to "help," may not always be the healthiest for a relationship - in fact it very well may be a repetition of the dynamics you were accustomed to in childhood (as abused children are often parentified). And that it is OK to set boundaries with others regarding how much you will realistically invest into their mental health.

 

[Ecdysis]

My ex is here again today, packing and picking stuff up. We're not fighting today, so that's good. I think we're both exhausted from too many fights.

It still messes up my day tho. I barely have enough energy to get through the day without these extra difficulties.

 

[Ecdysis]

My ex is here again today, packing and picking stuff up. We're not fighting today, so that's good. I think we're both exhausted from too many fights.

It still messes up my day tho. I barely have enough energy to get through the day without these extra difficulties.

So, basically today is a re-run of the above. Ex is here to pick stuff up, done in due ADHD style as usual. It's pure stress for my brain. I always underestimate it. I think that I'll be "fine" cos "how bad can it be" but that theory proves to be wrong each time. My mood really tanks. I was planning to do some work while he's here but I can't concentrate at all, I need all my energy just to get through this situation.

One thing that pisses me off is that the stuff he's picking up would take a normal person 2 hours to organise. With ADHD that turns into five hours. So I have togo through 5 hours of senseless chaos. If I try to exert pressure for it to go quicker or I try enforcing boundaries, that just ramps up his ADHD even more and it takes 10 hours and ends up in more fights. F*ck this crap.