Help With A Well Meaning Friend - "just Get Past It"

[SasTana]

Hey... HELP! I made a mistake in a moment of weakness & sadness and told a friend briefly about me being molested and raped as a child. {For you all - it happened several times when I was 5 (it probably began when I was 4 but my memory is certain at 5)... till I was 10.}
Now in her kind and well meaning way I get comments from her like, "If you change the spelling of your name legally you will be a new person and maybe you can move on" or "I think something may have happened to me when I was two, but it could have been my active imagination- we just can't let that get us" or "How are you doing? (Me: I'm doing great!) Are you? (Me: Just working on some things) Well good, you just need to get over it and move on!"
Keep in mind, I have kept this buried like a bad dream that never goes away my whole life. I took the blame and I never told anyone until a couple of months ago - when I told a therapist. Last summer I knew if I didn't talk to someone soon... my desire to die would become much more than a desire.
So facing it, feeling it, living with the reality instead of a weird and bad dream... learning about triggers, hyper vigilance, ptsd and realizing all of my quirks, bad habits and character flaws are rooted in the abuse is all so new and often painful to me. I'm sure she hates knowing I hurt and wants me to feel better ...
How do I tell this well meaning lady to stop? She's causing me more harm than good.

 

[ladee]

How would you like to be told to stop? Many times that helps me to find the words.
Of course you will have to "pretend" with her. Are you ok with that?
I've done that with my best friend of over 35 years, many times.
She doesn't get it..and will never say the words one of you would. You understand. She doesn't.
I have so much else with her that isn't important.
She knows I don't always tell the truth and knows I withold. But she also knows why. And she's ok with that.
Hopefully you can have an honest caring conversation with your friend. She doesn't realize she is minimizing your feelings.
Others can say to me..you are going to get thru this. I want to poke them in the eye with a stick.
If one of you say it to me I believe it and have hope.
Don't share with people who are clueless. They don't understand.
Hope it works out how you need it to.

 

[Twilight]

Hey... HELP! I made a mistake in a moment of weakness & sadness and told a friend briefly about me bein...

I am sorry to hear this. I made the mistake of telling someone i was healing from abuse of the past. I would not have done that except i burst into tears and couldnt stop crying. I felt i needed to explain my "odd" behavior. Well, this person has known me all of two days, and has told me i am "being a victim" because i refuse to "let go of" the past. Mind you, I told her nothing what so ever except that i was healing from the past. I am sorry so many people deny/disbelieve/name-call those who are in pain. I think we trigger them in their own denied pain so they get angry and lash out at us.

 

[Rani G2]

How do I tell this well meaning lady to stop? She's causing me more harm than good.

SasTana, if she is causing you harm, by the way she acts out unreflected and unthoughtful you need to ask yourself if the relationship is really that meaningful. You need to prioritize your own self. You come first!

I never share anything personal with people(Except here on the forum), unfortunately I have gone to an extreme to keep things very personal. This results in having no friends,which is not healthy. Its hard...still going.

Wishing you the best SasTana

 

[Rani G2]

I am sorry so many people deny/disbelieve/name-call those who are in pain. I think we trigger them in their own denied pain so they get angry and lash out at us.

True. I agree on this. I have realized that many people have a tendency to downgrade other people's emotional pain, struggle. Because when this is being mirrored some dont want to look at the pain, they 'd rather deny or blame. Once someone I knew well, told that “therapy“ is for weak people. I told him “Well not everyone has the intellectual capacity to understand what therapy means“. End of the discussion.

 

[FireSign8]

I would just print out the letter & hand it to her. Let her read it, take it back. then let her sleep on it & see if her attitude towards the situation changes in the coming weeks. If it does not go to a better place, then only you can decide if you want to stay around a person who is causing you so much inner turmoil. You have the ability to remove yourself from anyone at anytime for any reason! Just know that it is never going to be the same once you decide to open that door again to people who lack empathy for situations that they have no real life experience with.

If your "friend" is in need of therapy for their own issues, maybe they will seek it out from a professional. But right now is your time to heal from your own life issues & you must learn to build a wall until you can walk out into the world again & have a sense of safety. Been there myself & it truly sucks to know I wasted time on "friends" that I thought I could trust telling my "secrets" to regarding abuse. Having a life without turmoil is far more important to me than any "friend" can ever share, IMHO!

 

[joeylittle]

How would you like to be told to stop? Many times that helps me to find the words.

Great, great advice.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Hey... HELP! I made a mistake in a moment of weakness & sadness and told a friend briefly about me bein...

When someone states untruths, and telling a victim to get over something that a criminal has done to them, they can not get over that because there is nothing to get over, it is simply a crime that a perpetrator forced onto an innocent person.

If someone suggests for you to get over a crime that a predator did to you then you have to walk as far from that person as your feet carry you.

This person will hurt you over and over again. Whether that is done intentionally or innocently does not matter. You matter, your pain, your healing matters.

They will just have to get over the fact that their suggestions to you as the victim are not only false but are actually harassing statements.

Anyone that suggests to a victim to get over a crime will be instantly placed into my mental file of abusers, and that file is steadily growing.

 

[SasTana]

I sincerely appreciate everyone's insight and advice! I am so new at allowing myself to even admit what happened let alone talk about it - and it's amazing to find out that other people "get it" - Granted, the protection of the internet helps ... but still, THANK YOU!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well, with my dad (whom says all of that constantly...and lives with me so its worse) I just let him say it. I let him believe that I am "getting over it" by saying "yep, I sure am healing". Or I may say "just putting something past you isn't possible", which I do as well but in my own experience that creates more of a debate then if I just let him think its possible.

I think this goes in line with overly positive people. That's what it reminds me of anyway. There will just be people that are clueless of how actual trauma healing is, and thats ok. It's annoying and it hurts many times but a world of the same people would be boring.

Many days I'm not ok with it. And those days I make threads and talk it out. But I have not had success with education personally but you may. Education never hurts in my opinion. So nicely educate about how actual trauma healing works. How you'd want to be educated on a subject you were totally clueless about. And do only what doesn't create more tormoil. So if education via a conversation hurts then hand her a print out. If she snubs her nose at it then is she a good friend?

Or tell her to stop how you'd want to be told. But, in my opinion and experience, that requires a lot of talking about things. Is she someone to hear you out? If not, I go back to how good of a friend is she?

Sadly, my dad will always be my dad. I love him but I can't change him. I can only change myself (my views and thoughts and feelings) within the relationship we have.

 

[BlueOrange]

An option to consider: "Thanks for showing me that you care by coming up with ideas in how to fix these issues that I'm having. I'm working with a therapist to work out which things are going to be the safest and the most effective. I find that really tiring, because most things that we come up with have problems, and we need to talk a lot to sort out those problems. What I really value about our friendship is all the other things that we do. If you want to show that you care, then [giving me a hug] is something that I would find less stressful than having even more advice that I need to consider carefully."

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Stamp on her leg and tell her to walk it off. Jokes don't really...but maybe....no! must. Stop. Stamping. On. Legs.

I'd honestly just tell her how you feel and point her in the direction of some articles to help her understand and stop minimising. Tell her although she means well she's hurting you rather than helping.