Help

[Teamwork]

Trying to figure out how my go to button is always set to anger even though I know compassion, sympathy, empathy are better responses. Last night my 21 yr old daughter who has autism and has become a bit of a night owl, let the dog out, went out with the dog and locked herself out. I eventually heard her banging and crying and came down and let her in. She was afraid of the dark and pretty distraught. I did offer her a hug, but my body was stiff and full of irritation instead of warmth. I wasn't aware of why I was angry I was more aware of knowing I should be other things but couldn't get there. This jump to anger when she needs comfort is where I seem to go of late even though my inside chatter is telling me to be otherwise. I do not know how to get away from the inability to comfort without sending out all the anger vibes. It's confusing.

 

[ladee]

If you are full time caregiver of your daughter, you are possibly experiencing burn out... I am a retired caregiver for Alz/dementia. I experienced anger a lot. toward the end .. are you in a situation where you can take a weekend trip or even a day at the spa... or just take in a movie and window shop? Something that is just for you! You have to take care of you first... people who do not do 24/7 ,365 in home care, do not understand.

That is great insight that you know your bucket is empty... and when the ones we care for can and do pick up on our lack of compassion and empathy, it's twice as hard as we then feel guilty... or I did...

Hopefully you have someone who can be with her and give you a break... you can always contact Home Health Agencies... some of them do respite care, taking your daughter for a few days so you can sleep, or eat chocolate or watch NetFlex until you fall asleep... some do in home services too if it's too upsetting for your daughter....

I hope this helps, if nothing else to let you know I understand, we are not bad people, but we do get exhausted and usually have no outlet.... is there a Autism support group for parents?? You might check and see....You are doing a very demanding job... you get no 'time off' and we just can't keep going like that.... sending you gentle hugs of understanding...

 

[Keming]

Also... you have PTSD. right? Inappropriate anger is often part of the package. Brain becomes hypersensitive to norepinephrine, and small stressors become big stressors.

But it sounds like you handled it well. You behaved compassion-like, despite not feeling it. Good self-control! :tup:

 

[Teamwork]

Yes I have ptsd and have been doing trauma work for the past two years. I waited till she was older more settled. I am a single parent too. It's interesting to think of it in terms of caregiver burn out or fatigue. That's not occurred to me. I have found since she turned 18 that she has been much more difficult to manage. She is developmentally around 12-15 years but wants to adult all the time. She watches a lot of tv and recites stuff to me that I often don't care to hear, but then she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to hear it.

 

[ladee]

Do you have any support? Anyone besides your T you talk with? Maybe you are just simply tired.... this has not been easy for either of you.... and you do need a break.... hope you can find something you like to do... a yoga class, something....
Being a full time mom is hard enough, with out the changes she goes thru.... do you have an Autism support group around??

 

[Teamwork]

Do you have any support? Anyone besides your T you talk with? Maybe you are just simply tired.... this ha...

I have always had government funding for her because of her complex needs. The only problem seems to be keeping workers. The one worker we had that was great with her is dealing with her moms ill health right now. The other one we use to drive her to school as she is eligible to be in three days a week.

 

[ladee]

But I'm also talking about a place to meet with other parents to talk and share.

Its like here. We understand each other and can support and understand each other. Only other parents wi) truly understand your daily struggles and burnout.
It just helps to have someone who really understands.

What are you going to do for you? Just some kind of self care. What might that be?

 

[Teamwork]

But I'm also talking about a place to meet with other parents to talk and share.

Its like here. We unde...

Yes I did at one time have connection with an online group. Most have gone over to Facebook though and I don't see much in the way of posts. Right now I'm going to bed as early as I can, I read and I am sending her to the movies tomorrow night with one worker who is available. Since I don't drive and would have to have care for her I've never gone the route of leaving the house to attend a group.

 

[ladee]

As long as you are getting some breaks... going to bed early is good.... sorry there is no one available for you to talk to... maybe try another group.... just take care of yourself.... sending gentle hugs to a tired mom...

 

[Gamera3000]

She watches a lot of tv and recites stuff to me that I often don't care to hear, but then she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to hear it.

Lol! I know what you're talking about. My husband is autistic. I have to hear quite a bit about knives. :|

I am supposed to be a researcher in the subject of autistic adults but I am not actively researching right now. One of the things I had been studying for the past few years is wellbeing in adult lifespans for autistic people. I have noticed that the emerging adulthood age range seems to be the most difficult for autistics. So from about your daughter's age to her late-twenties. Sorry to tell you that, since she's at the beginning of that stage.

The reason things go so rough for them is because they kind of find out that their social skills are not up to snuff and that they are not equipped too well for work or school. They CAN work or go to school, but most of them need help and/or accommodations. Which are sometimes hard to get. By the time they reach their late twenties they catch up with the social skills and get their work/school experience and can usually live pretty normally. Often by the time they are in their late 30s they are doing better than the rest of us, objectively speaking. Still awkward and different, but often in more quality relationships and careers. My guess is because it matters less if an older person is awkward and things like knowledge and stability matter more.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I happened to have this niche knowledge and thought I would offer it in case you were interested.

 

[Teamwork]

Lol! I know what you're talking about. My husband is autistic. I have to hear quite a bit about kniv...

I appreciate the know,edge yes. So, for my daughter there has been a change in communication but more typical of pre teen. Is reactive to my tone not my words so needs reassurance I'm not angry or annoyed or whatever. Often tells me I said things I did not say or other way around, I say something and know I did but she argues I did not say it all. This one drives me bonkers, second guessing myself. She has no concept of time so I manage that but she gets annoyed if I do. I may no longer say it's bedtime, but she then stays awake far later than is healthy. Her fears are many, moods many, preferences few. We live in the same house but she has no idea what I'm doing and connects when she wants to. However the connection is one sided, either what every single student said or did at school or showing a vide to me that I have heard playing all day anyway. Last night she told another person about a video, then played it for them then came and asked if I wanted to see the video. I rarely say no thanks but said no thanks I've heard it twice. She was really miffed with me for saying no