Relationship Here We Go Again....

[Lemmingnot]

Here we go again....a little misunderstanding turns into a big dramatic event. Like always, I am frustrated, while my husband rages about something unrelated to the original misunderstanding.

I am so tired of automatically being thought of as "being a dick", or having my love doubted. We have had the same argument for 12 years...I do something that triggers him, he gets angry, I apologize and he stays angry for a day or two. Sometimes he throws and breaks things. He recently pushed me. His new meds seemed to help, but now I'm not sure.

I know those in ptsd relationships have special issues to deal with. I think I'm running out of my reserves and coping skills. I don't even know if I should stay anymore. I love this man with all my heart, but I want to stop crying when he gets mad and I want to stop apologizing for things just to avoid escalating a fight.

I am so tired of ptsd today...any advice?

 

[amethist]

Sounds like you need to set some boundaries Lemmingnot, not easy but sometimes absolutely necessary in a PTSD relationship.

First one could be you insist he stops throwing and breaking things.

pushing you is another no no, as this is classed as abuse to many, as is the anger and you having to apologize just to keep the peace.

If he gets angry over something that he really should not, then just walk away and let him rant to himself. Dont respond, as this will give him a reason to continue, a one side argument is no use to them.

If you walk away and go for a walk away form him when he gets angry, you will be amazed how soon they can cool off.

We all get tired of PTSD, then find new ways of dealing with it, and carry on.

Take care of your self, set those boundaries.

Amethist

 

[Helliepig]

A agree wholeheartedly with Amethist. I think you need to focus on your needs, get some support from counselling FOR YOURSELF to help you understand how and why you can change YOUR reaction to how he behaves. (Sometimes that in itself helps the other person to change, like Amethist says, when you set boundaries. And even if not - his healing is his work to do, yours is yours.....)

PTSD does not mean that everything a person does should be tolerated, nor that you should hurt just because you love someone with PTSD. When we are in pain, any of us can behave badly but it doesn't mean we should just be allowed free rein to carry on and hurt others.

Sadly that's how many people get PTSD in the first place - from the hurtful or abusive behaviours of others.

 

[IvyMillie]

I can relate. For me the hardest part is that I rarely ever get an actual apology. My husband seemes to forget the mean things he says. He is unable to actually process how much he hurts me.

I usually just take what he says, but it's so hard. Only once in a while do I say anything and then it goes even worse. I have to be on constant guard. I watch his mood to see what I will have to deal with.

A few weeks ago he said one of the meanest things he has ever said to me. I barely said anything just tears running down my face. He didn't really care. I'm still raging inside about it. However, I can't bring it up--why bother that will just cause another argument. He will deny and minimize my feelings. Then he will follow it up with some attack against me.

I know many people say to set boundaries that would never work with my husband. He will never change. Years ago I tried to get him to change but he never did. He actually gets worse if I request or ask for anything. I'm glad other people can get it to work.

Sorry to blab about myself, but only trying to sympathize. I have to say that this Doubt stuff resonates with me. We've been married for 20 years and he still doubts me too. UGH.

I know it's terribly hard. All we can tell ourselves is that it isn't our fault. It seems like your situation is really difficult because you always have to apologize. I have to also if he gets upset. If he upsets me it's no big deal.

I hope that you can get support and comfort from other sources. It's just a matter of survival to me. I think the fact that you really love him means alot.

However, I do think the fact that he pushes you isn't a good sign. Is he able to communicate sometimes (unlike my hubby)? Could you let him know that this really upset you? I worry that that might be a red flag.

 

[Lemmingnot]

Thanks everybody for the advice. I have decided not to be a victim, and I told him that his anger frightens me. He has decided to leave because in his words, I'm just setting him up for some legal charges and jail time. I'm setting a trap when I suggest counseling, because the police will have to be called.

We'll see what happens...he packs his bags about once a month. Now he's in bed.

I am going to do what I had planned today and not hover around. Thanks Ivy, for commiserating. Yes, most of the time I also just keep things in, but I was worried about being pushed and how his anger has escalated as of late. In light of ptsd, am I being too sensitive? I will not live my life scurrying around because I think he's going to throw things around.

 

[Helliepig]

Good for you. The feelings you get from being a doormat are disabling, insidious.... standing up to someone is frightening, but the rewards in terms of your own self esteem, immeasurable.

 

[IvyMillie]

Well I'm not sure if you are married or not, but if you aren't then it does make it easier. That is one thing about PTSD it's good not to commit until you really know what you are in for. Only you know how much of something you can handle. Love is one thing, but we all must have our own sanity also. :)

I think you are giving it all you can in this relationship. I think that's all you can do is do your best and at the end of the day you will have peace of mind that you did so. I do think that everyone nowadays has some baggage in a relationship however some baggage is lighter than other baggage.

I hope it goes okay for you. Threats and intimidation are not fun. :(