He did it, he had to remove himself from our home. I knew he was teetering all day, I can tell by the way he walked with his arms wrapped around his body trying to comfort or soothe himself. Even though he thought he'd relieve the pressure by getting a good workout in and taking a long walk to try to ground himself again, he just couldn't get there.
We went grocery shopping, I told him he didn't have to come but he wanted to get some distraction. During the check out line he told me that he's going to have to leave the house as soon as we get back--he could not hold on. I was deeply saddened to hear this but didn't say anything, instead I took my sunglasses that were sitting on my head and pulled them down over my eyes so that he and anybody else didn't see the tears.
We came home, I told him I'd be right back. I went upstairs to our master bathroom, shut the door and had a good cry. I didn't know that he came to see what I was up to. I guess that triggered him, I didn't know it, I didn't mean to but he went back down into the kitchen and started smashing things, the fridge was across the room by the time I came back downstairs. He was smashing his head and fist (and I do mean SMASHING) into the fridge and for the first time, I saw a rage that I have never seen in anybody. The best way I can describe this fury was that he looked like a wild animal thirsty for blood. I ran upstairs because I didn't know if he was in the middle of a disassociation, locked our bedroom (thank god kids were not home), sat there and cried some more and hoping that this normally well mannered man wouldn't be bounding up the stairs before he was able to settle.
He ended up calming down enough to grab his overnight back, apologized for all of this, for scaring me, for putting me through this grief but told me he'd call me in a couple of hours when he's checked himself into a hotel.
Tuesday can't come fast enough. He'll call that mental health facility and asked to be assessed again.
Life at the moment sucks!!
Carmela