BattlingBird
New Here
Hi, Came across this site as lookin for an outlet that may actually understand my brain right now.
Was diagnosed ptsd last year and been having EMDR ever since, although that stopped due to lockdown. Was offered via teams or zoom but I have a young child and the content isn’t something I ever want her to hear.
Was in an abusive relationship with my daughters dad for 12 years, every kind of horror show you can imagine... it’s left me like a shell.. I feel nothing most of the time like I’m unable to actually have any emotion anymore. Someone said to me once that my eyes are dead, like there’s no one there and that stuck with me as it sums me up perfectly. I can’t really talk to anyone about what happened to me, I even struggle telling my T the truth sometimes as I don’t want her to feel bad as she’s making absolutely no difference to me.. I always say Yes I feel great this week.
I am completely lonely and would love to have someone in my life but I don’t ever see that happening as I couldn’t inflict myself on someone else. I would make their life Unbearable.. when someone in the post office or somewhere even looks at me I instantly feel like Oh I could love them when in reality I could never bring myself to even speak.
My alcohol is out of control as this is the only time when I actually cry so it’s an emotion and think I cling onto that. Every start of the week I tell myself no more quit the booze but by the end of the day it’s poured.
The loneliness of my life is consuming and I actually hate it. I pray that one day I will be me again but I’m reality I don’t even know if that person I remember ever existed cause it was such a long time ago, or have I remembered it different to how i actually was?!
Anyway just saying Hi, battling but trying you know?!
Was diagnosed ptsd last year and been having EMDR ever since, although that stopped due to lockdown. Was offered via teams or zoom but I have a young child and the content isn’t something I ever want her to hear.
Was in an abusive relationship with my daughters dad for 12 years, every kind of horror show you can imagine... it’s left me like a shell.. I feel nothing most of the time like I’m unable to actually have any emotion anymore. Someone said to me once that my eyes are dead, like there’s no one there and that stuck with me as it sums me up perfectly. I can’t really talk to anyone about what happened to me, I even struggle telling my T the truth sometimes as I don’t want her to feel bad as she’s making absolutely no difference to me.. I always say Yes I feel great this week.
I am completely lonely and would love to have someone in my life but I don’t ever see that happening as I couldn’t inflict myself on someone else. I would make their life Unbearable.. when someone in the post office or somewhere even looks at me I instantly feel like Oh I could love them when in reality I could never bring myself to even speak.
My alcohol is out of control as this is the only time when I actually cry so it’s an emotion and think I cling onto that. Every start of the week I tell myself no more quit the booze but by the end of the day it’s poured.
The loneliness of my life is consuming and I actually hate it. I pray that one day I will be me again but I’m reality I don’t even know if that person I remember ever existed cause it was such a long time ago, or have I remembered it different to how i actually was?!
Anyway just saying Hi, battling but trying you know?!
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