Hi, This is the first PTSD forum I've joined. I'm hoping together we can piece things together a bit and feel less alone. I'm 30, I've been in therapy for trauma since 2017 and depression before then.
I'm in recovery for an abusive relationship in my early twenties and a rape as a teen. I only realised was PTSD was in 2017 because I was getting intrusions, it now makes a lot of sense, the exhaustion, the hyper-vigilance, the anxiety later I realised I most likely have C-PTSD. I've been doing EDMR since September after my last round of talking therapy on the NHS left me suicidal with little support and little improvement in my mental health. That overwhelming feeling of continually being treated by being given coping mechanisms instead of them actually trying to cure your condition, of them telling you this is how its gonna be- forever- I guess partially it just feels like letting my abuser win- again. I don't want to give the rest of my life to him too after the years of suffering, I won't. All the relationships which have been ruined because of my PTSD, which might have otherwise worked. It makes be so so sad and worry that I will in the end be alone, no matter how hard I try to heal, to explain the overwhelming depths of the emotions I carry within me other people can't deal with- I'm sick of professionals looking distressed when I explain what happened to me during that relationship, of them having no idea what to do with the huge waves of emotion when they come, of being talked to like this is how its gonna be forever- that makes me want to die.
So I decided it was important to try and start EDMR as the only therapy I'd found (other than Kinetic shift) which actually aims to look at PTSD in a curative way, so I've had to go private (which makes me incredibly angry) and I've been seeing my therapist since September. I'm finding EMDR very challenging, and though I work hard I feel like my therapist might be good at the EDMR aspect but I don't always feel supported in the talking aspect afterwards. I feel like Its taken be this long to find an approach which deals with ptsd in a curative way but now I'm missing someone talking to me as an abuse survivor, there isn't the reassurance I need. She's suggested getting counseling or something alongside but I'm just not sure if I wan't to loose another f*cking day a week to therapy. I find the night of the session I'm lost to feeling depressed and overwhelmed, exhausted. Sometimes this can also knock out the day after too. I'm doing my best but as a single woman in lockdown living away from my family I just feel so so alone against this and I want reassurance. My mother tried but she doesn't really know what to say, I'm exhausted by the cycle of me saying I don't feel supported then her asking her how she can support me then me struggling through low spoons to explain over and over again that I don't know what the answer is I shouldn't be expected to know- I'm the sick one. We just end up on the phone in silence her saying she doesn't know how to support me, so that makes me feel crap.
Fortunately I've started using a full spectrum CBD oil daily which seems to knock out most of the anxiety and exhaustion I was dealing with during the days so that gives me a lot of my life back at the moment, aside from the therapy days. I'm working very hard and I wish I could catch a break, or feel supported.
-D
I'm in recovery for an abusive relationship in my early twenties and a rape as a teen. I only realised was PTSD was in 2017 because I was getting intrusions, it now makes a lot of sense, the exhaustion, the hyper-vigilance, the anxiety later I realised I most likely have C-PTSD. I've been doing EDMR since September after my last round of talking therapy on the NHS left me suicidal with little support and little improvement in my mental health. That overwhelming feeling of continually being treated by being given coping mechanisms instead of them actually trying to cure your condition, of them telling you this is how its gonna be- forever- I guess partially it just feels like letting my abuser win- again. I don't want to give the rest of my life to him too after the years of suffering, I won't. All the relationships which have been ruined because of my PTSD, which might have otherwise worked. It makes be so so sad and worry that I will in the end be alone, no matter how hard I try to heal, to explain the overwhelming depths of the emotions I carry within me other people can't deal with- I'm sick of professionals looking distressed when I explain what happened to me during that relationship, of them having no idea what to do with the huge waves of emotion when they come, of being talked to like this is how its gonna be forever- that makes me want to die.
So I decided it was important to try and start EDMR as the only therapy I'd found (other than Kinetic shift) which actually aims to look at PTSD in a curative way, so I've had to go private (which makes me incredibly angry) and I've been seeing my therapist since September. I'm finding EMDR very challenging, and though I work hard I feel like my therapist might be good at the EDMR aspect but I don't always feel supported in the talking aspect afterwards. I feel like Its taken be this long to find an approach which deals with ptsd in a curative way but now I'm missing someone talking to me as an abuse survivor, there isn't the reassurance I need. She's suggested getting counseling or something alongside but I'm just not sure if I wan't to loose another f*cking day a week to therapy. I find the night of the session I'm lost to feeling depressed and overwhelmed, exhausted. Sometimes this can also knock out the day after too. I'm doing my best but as a single woman in lockdown living away from my family I just feel so so alone against this and I want reassurance. My mother tried but she doesn't really know what to say, I'm exhausted by the cycle of me saying I don't feel supported then her asking her how she can support me then me struggling through low spoons to explain over and over again that I don't know what the answer is I shouldn't be expected to know- I'm the sick one. We just end up on the phone in silence her saying she doesn't know how to support me, so that makes me feel crap.
Fortunately I've started using a full spectrum CBD oil daily which seems to knock out most of the anxiety and exhaustion I was dealing with during the days so that gives me a lot of my life back at the moment, aside from the therapy days. I'm working very hard and I wish I could catch a break, or feel supported.
-D
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