Supporter Hi, I'm A Supporter Who Needs Some Support

[JustBe]

Welcome CMY. As a sufferer,I can say that I think your gf is very lucky to have someone in her life that cares as much as you do. She may not be able to say that or to show you, so I just want you to know on her behalf.

 

[CMY]

Welcome CMY. As a sufferer,I can say that I think your gf is very lucky to have someone in her life that cares as much as you do. She may not be able to say that or to show you, so I just want you to know on her behalf.

Thank you for that. This forum has done a lot to help me to help her. I really appreciate all of the advice and helpful suggestions.

 

[CMY]

Welcome CMY and in my opinion you have nothing to apologise for.

Thank you. I just didn't want to offend anyone who is a Sufferer. Everyone has been so helpful, I didn't want to add undo animosity in a place designed for support.

 

[CMY]

Question. I have never asked my gf what caused her trauma. She has only told me that it was a sexual trauma that happened a long time ago. I didn't want to pry at the time, because I didn't know if that was my place. Should I ever ask her to talk about it? Or should I just let it be. I'm not nosey or anything. But I've read that it's helpful to the relationship to discuss the events.

 

[safenow]

If you were a supporter for me, I'm of the mind that I'd tell you anything you wanted to know. Only because you are so supportive already. I don't think you would freak out on her, but rather you would try to comfort her and support her.

I made the mistake of telling a neighbor about one of my traumas. She totally freaked out. She became very hostile towards me and acted like I had made it up. I had thought she was a friend, but it proved to me, I can't tell people about what I've been through.

Today, the man who is going to give me a ride home from they therapists office on Friday didn't know what type of therapist I was seeing. he thought it was my physical therapist. When I explained he is for my mental health, he ask me something, and I said, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from people trying to kill me. His comment was, "I hope they are all in jail now." then he laughed. I looked up at him and said, "The four who broke into my apartment only got 15 years and they are out now. The guy who broke in here last year only got 6 months, so he is out now as well. My ex-husband is dead, so I don't have to worry about him any longer. But the memories of what they all did to me is still in my mind. Thus, I need to talk to my therapist so he can help me get those thoughts out of my head."

He stopped and looked at me. "You're serious, aren't you?" I shook my head, then escorted him to the door.

It's difficult to tell people details, because they might not understand, and even act in not so good ways. So don't be upset if she doesn't want to tell you.

 

[Tinyflame]

CMY, JMHO of course, but I'd say definitely "NO". As safenow said above, I would think your gf would tell you what you asked, or try to. But that's wholely different from being ready to. Were it me, I would suggest you 'could'' say something along the lines of, "you've mentioned (this), I want you to know you can tell me anything else, that I will listen. You might even feel better if you do, and I would feel better if I can help you. But you don't have to. " (Not those words specifically, of course- use your own judgment). If she's told you other things, something must be right. I mean, sufferers have enough reminders, what matters a lot is peace and safety in the present. The exception being, triggers you can discuss if/ or when they occur, if or how they relate back (if she knows or takes the lead on that one. But you probably would have to take the initiative to start (that) conversation. But only in safety/ outside of the triggers).

Best wishes!

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry, I can't edit but I meant to say, "she takes the initiative" as in meaning she can recognize and identify the (a) trigger.

 

[Gamereign555]

These relationships can work out. Unfortunately the whole 'rock bottom' thing is right. You can go years and years being co-dependent on each other before realizing both of you have issues to work out. I think a year with each other is long enough to approach this topic.

For me my girlfriend, the supporter realized after 7 years that: Yes, she took care of me while I was suffering badly and understanding PTSD because she loves me, but I was so dependent on her that she finally broke down because she fears I am not able to reciprocate that love as a result... Where as I am just now admitting that I am an alcoholic and a drug addict, who lived in secret in this relationship using drugs, unemployed and hit rock bottom after an incident with the town sheriff's car.. We are separated and things are at a freeze mode in our relationship. However it is good because she is getting help for her co dependency issues with me and family issues. While I am in a different town with my family attending outpatient rehab, AA meetings and trying to prove to her that I can get a job and support myself, this, all for our future.:(

Things could be a lot worse and I am not trying to hijack your thread, rather explaining how difficult relationships can be. Nevermind PTSD. Though, you better educate yourself on it.

She knows I have my limitations, however she also knows that overcoming those limitations is part of my PTSD therapy and how is that different from any other couple...

You both are going to have to be 'empowered'. I suggest couples therapy, in the trauma field with a therapist who knows both couples and ptsd and or trauma eventually.

 

[StrongHeart]

Thank you, CMY for your understanding. None of this is easy. I've known my sufferer since we were kids and we've had a wonderful friendship and now relationship for years. He did acknowledge a few weeks ago that ignoring me and shutting down without warning is a form of relationship abuse, which it is. And I separate the behavior from the feelings; you can't help how you feel, but you CAN help your behavior. I have not heard anything from him and I did not try to contact him yesterday. I thought for sure he'd try to contact me this morning because it is a routine for us to talk or text first thing in the mornings on weekdays when we both head in to work, but nothing.

I know he also has a lot of anger in him that he's only just beginning to acknowledge, and I have a sneaking suspicion that his anger causes part of this, since it started with a disagreement between us and he said part of his turning off his phone was so he wouldn't say something he would regret later. A friend of mine suggested that he shuts me out as a form of punishment to me, and to him too, possibly. I don't know. I do know that he holds on to anger for a long time.

In the past I have always been the one to keep lovingly reaching out until I had a response from him. Not this time. I actually had a wonderful date yesterday and I plan to see more of him. Interestingly, he, too, is a combat veteran.

I really appreciate all of you who have offered insight as to this issue. I still maintain, though, that despite the amount of suffering a person has with PTSD, hurting others is not acceptable. I've said to my sufferer repeatedly that all I needed was a quick text, a few words, just to let me know he'll get with me soon or he needs time. Not just an abrupt hang up and the silent treatment for days on end. The pain of this all has been horrible, not to mention the betrayal of many missed dates, broken promises, and last minute cancellations. I am a very patient person and I have held on a long time. It may be that he just expects that to continue. It all comes down to boundaries and I need to do a better job of setting them.

 

[ISupportHer]

Some of the quotes back and forth, to me, illustrate something that I think can be difficult depending on the individuals. With very few exception, I think that most peoples responses on this forum are meant to help.

There have been some very heated discussions about how best to do that. Gentle "I am sorry" support here or "tough love". Sometimes discussion can be very pointed but I think if one can try to see what the intended message is, it can be recognised as an attempt at help via blunt honesty. My own respose or feelings toward that, I have finally been able to aknowledge, are very much influenced by where I am at when it happens. Sometimes I can take a breath and see the message, but there have been times I have been VERY stressed, so I tend to snap back.

Personalities, of course, vary. Of both senders and receivers in any communication exchange.

Just an observation. :)