Hi - Life Of Abuse

[windwalker]

Hi happened to come across this site - while browsing resources. Nice too meet you all - Its a great but sad feeling to see I am not alone but lots of energy of healing to us all.

I am a woman that suffers with C-PTSD/MPD (DID), who is a mother of 2 wonderful children and an okay wife (when I remember that I am one) to a trying to understand husband.

From the age of 3 I was a ward of the state, I was bounced around from home to home where repeated sexual abuse took place. When I was 8, I was brutally raped by 3 older foster brothers for 6 months and then moved into homes thereafter that were equally sexually and physically abusive.

My life since that time has been chaotic, riddled with confusion, rage, and switching. It took years for the PTSD to surface and do to that, I now have more mental disorders. Living as a person with MPD isn't easy. Trying to be a " Loving Mother" is almost impossible I just don't feel those types of emotions - I'm rather flat emotionally unless of course I'm in a fit of rage. Emotions then fly and I not only don't recall what the trigger was but what I said through out the episode. Leaving all around me, broken!!
Its a sad state of affairs when your children become survivors from trying to love you.

 

[amethist]

Hi Windwalker

Welcome to the forum and a safe place.

You have been through so much from such a young age, you should congratulate yourself for getting this far.

There are many members on here, who will understand all you have been through. They will offer advice and support with anything you are unsure of with any of what you are struggling with.

Maybe your husband could have a look here too, as there is loads of help and information for carers too. I am a carer, so I understand the support we need at times too.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[windwalker]

Thank you so much for your response Amethist :) Originally I was browsing for support for my husband. However, he isn't interested in looking or reading about it - says he's too busy. What hurts in all this, is he sometimes goes out of his way to trigger me into the personality who loves to confront and fight men as she hates them - then leaves me in the state of alter, tossing " Oh and have a great day.. love you ".. over his shoulder. Meanwhile, I'm left with the chatter in my head, a serve headache -triggers going off left and right, feeling like Mrs Jekyll and Mrs Hyde and our 2 kids have to see this and now deal with me in that state. I can't help feeling that he truly doesn't want to understand or be supportive. I'm left feeling a wreck today and he triggered me to switch then left the kids to bare with me... hence I feel put both of them in a very unstable, unsafe environment. I'm guess I just over whelmed and trying to analyze how my mind is working... and its not turning out so well...He chalks it up too - I'm insane!
Some days like now.. I feel lost and hopeless that living a healthy productive life won't be possible.

For you and the one you love and care for, lots of healing energy. You should like an incredibly strong person.

 

[JimmyJames902]

Hello Windwalker and welcome to the forum:

I'm so sorry to hear of the mind-games your spouse is playing with you; if he only knew how cruel it is to be "played with" in the manner you describe.

My heart goes out to you,

James

 

[Clydiechick]

Hi and welcome

I can relate to all your symptoms. I too have children that see me change so quickly. I love them dearly, yet can't stand to be near them. The fact that I can't even make myself spend time with them crushes me. I can't stand the noise, the constant questions, the fighting, the stand around me when I'm on the computer, it drives me nuts. I feel so mean, but can't stop myself. I too hate being left alone with them, but I can't say they are in an unsafe environment, what do you mean by that?

I hope you are getting some help. I meditate to try to stop my head from exploding, it's difficult when I am in a real state, but it does help calm my mind.

Take care of yourself, we are here to help.
Clydie

 

[Pixie]

Hi windwalker. :hello:

Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. I am also cPTSD/DID so there is support here.

Rell

 

[windwalker]

Thank you all for your tremendous welcome and support.

What I meant by " An Unstable and Unsafe Environment", comes from my fear of not remembering. I believe that when children are exposed to the aftermath violence has caused in our lives, they end up with a form of PTSD. From the hurting, ridicule and lack of patience and time from the other parent. When they grow up, their issues could very well be, growing up in a very Unstable Unsafe Environment due to the lack of Stability I caused as a parent, and how I never felt safe, they felt unsafe.. They could view it the same way. Twisted may be :S

 

[tryintobreathe]

Welcome to the forum Windwalker. What a very tough childhood you had. I am so sorry that so many people treated you so horribly and let you down like that. I'm glad you found this site, I know it's helped me in a lot of ways. Good luck on your journey.

Jen

 

[windwalker]

Thank you everyone. LOL I was looking for a Thank You Button :)

 

[onebravegirl]

Dearest windwalker. What a beauitful name you chose. My heart goes out to you. I hope in time you will be able to appreciate your true value as a mom. I know it takes time but you will find tremendous support here. There is another new member here who also has this struggle and I hope the two of you can connect. I really have the utmost respect for you and your courage. I look forward to getting to know you much better,
Your new friend,
O

 

[windwalker]

Thanks again everyone - I really appreciated the kind words and new friends I have. :)

~~~~ Energy to all

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Windwalker,

Welcome to the Forum :hello:

I'm sadden to read your story and my heart goes out to you. It's hard to understand how people can be so cruel to children. You've been through so much.

I admire you for trying so hard to understand, cope and heal, while being a mom and wife.

I'm certain you'll find lots of support on here as you try to heal further.

I too have C-PTSD from childhood abuse and I know how much it affects who we are. But I have been able to recover quite a bit and build a peaceful, somewhat normal life. I hope you will be able to too someday.

Johnny