Amber1991:)
New Here
Hi. :) Wow. This is so scary and new. I found this site after a few hundred google searches and I was immediately amazed at the weight that lifted reading about the things I've been dealing with for years all alone. I was waiting to introduce myself out of fear but after the return of a waking panic attack, going hyper aware to noise while I'm asleep, any loud sound sends me into this hyperventilating state where I'm terrified and I have no clue what's going on.... Waking with chest pain it f*cking sucks. I have been dealing with PTSD sense I was 15 and now I am soon to be 25. I could never understand myself or my behavior but because my loved ones knew what I'd been through i guess me not getting over it made sense to them that I couldn't move past it. But now looking back at my younger self wetting the bed the night terrors reliving it over and over again night after night. Waking crying or screaming. The black outs and constant emotional break downs and for a few period of time when I wouldn't leave my mothers house for weeks. All of my ups and aggressive downs. Rediscovering memories id blacked out and feeling more holes where memory should be.... I am hurt that I have suffered so long to only be figuring this out for myself now after a lot of research. But now I'm an adult with a 3 year old daughter and no money to get help for the time being.... I have a great husband who really has in abled me to be open to the pain... So now I feel worse off. Lol I am in a good enough place to deal but the more serious aspects have surfaced. A lot of chest pain, a lot of muscle smell memory where my husband touches me but I feel my father I smell him, and I can't push through it. Like a broken record. My triggers are so aggressive. Especially family, pain, hunger, churches really set me off. But it truly helps to know that I am not alone. That others experience what I do. I've had a lot of people recently tell me I'm doing this to myself because I am unwilling to let go but in their ignorance they have no clue that it's not as easy as just letting it go. I carry the child I was, her sweetness and her trusting heart, I carry her betrayal and horror. I carry her and she doesn't get justice or an acknowledge meant of anything not even the miscarried sack of dna. I am afraid of her pain. How that little heart was violated and abused. So that's a little piece of me that I will share with you and hope that some can relate to. I am grateful to be able to share this. Tears and a runny nose are a fair exchange for the now gone chest pain.
