Anony-mous
New Here
So, this is the first time I've ever really posted about this, or anything, but I was hoping that the people here could help me decide on what I'm feeling and maybe how to procede. And it's kinda long, so bear with me, please.
OK, so when I was 9, I was molested by my Aunt's boyfriend at the time for close to a year, maybe a little over. I ended up telling my Mom, but not the whole story, just that he tried to coerce me sexually. It ended up going to court and I lied there too, so this is actually the first time I've ever talked about it or really told anyone. Well, that's a lie, I did tell one of my best friends, but she looked at me and said, why didn't you tell anyone? I just shrugged, but the answer is that I don't want anyone to look at me the way she did, with a mixture of pity and what seemed to me like condemnation.
Anyway, I feel that my life progressed pretty normally until he contacted me again by finding me on facebook, telling me that we should meet and if I ever needed anything, blah, blah, right? I was 17. I never contacted him back, and eventually he went away(after calling my grandma n actually trying to find me), but after that, I've noticed some problems that may have been there before, but somehow it seems more prominent/noticible as I get older. I'm just not sure if there's anything wrong/anything that I might need to get help over. So now I'm gonna try and describe how I feel in hopes that I can convey myself to whomever reads this.
Whenever someone asks me out, I feel panicky and automatically say no. It's like in all that 3 second period, I go through all the reasons why I should say no, that he probably just wants sex, and it'll never last, plus my thoughts on how when we even get to the kissing stage how I'm gonna get through that. I have had one person ask to kiss me (no date or nothing) and my entire mind blanked and the only thoughts I had were to refuse and how get away as fast as possible/make him go away.
I hate people walking behind me or being behind me, I don't like being touched. Even though it's totally irrational and I realize it, I hate it when people talk about their experiences because I feel that I've "gotten over it" and they should to. I do realize though that people can't just get over it, and when others talk about themselves, it makes me think about me, and that's the real problem I have with it.
Whenever I think about trying to get out there and date, I get all anxious and think about how I'm supposed to explain not being a virgin to my boyfriend, not to mention how I'm supposed to get through the entire sexual act. Basically what I'm trying to describe is my extreme anxiety when it comes to even the fathoming of a relationship, and I end up getting really depressed and thinking that how would it be worth it?, just to find someone to be with. But at the same time, I really want someone that I can rely on, and have someone to depend on.
It gets really tiring having to hold up your outer shell that everyone else sees and be a strong, independant woman who can do anything, while inside your crying and sad because it seems like in one aspect of your life, you'll never progress. I've come up with a way to describe myself that I feel like pretty much hits the mark. I'm like a glass bottle, and I've been shattered. And I had to piece myself back together, but along the way, I've lost some pieces. And now amidst my taped up self, all my hurt is inside the bottle, but the bottle has holes, so it leaks out. And so, because of the pressure of my hurt, the bottle eventually shatters and I have a breakdown and cry and feel hopeless and helpless. And then after all that, I have to find the strength to take all my pieces and put myself back together again. But no matter how well I put my bottle back together for the outside world, I'm still sad, and I still break. It feels like a never ending cycle.
I hope someday I'll be able to finally start a relationship and maybe be happy, because I feel so lonley and alone all the time, but I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to, or that in order to be able to overcome this, I might need help.
I've posted here because I've done some research into PTSD and it seems to me like I might have it, but I'm honestly too scared to find a therapist or get evaluated or anything, mostly because what if I'm just overeggagerating things? What if they tell me I'm fine, and that I'm just imagining all my fears and anxiety? I wanted to finally put most of what I've been feeling into words and have someone tell me if I'm crazy.
And the best part is that since it's online, I can't feel like any of you are looking at me like my friend did. I just want someone to tell me what I should do so that I'm not sad anymore. I want to know how to fix me. It's been 4 more years and now I'm 21 and I'm so tired, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Thanks for bearing with me and listening.
OK, so when I was 9, I was molested by my Aunt's boyfriend at the time for close to a year, maybe a little over. I ended up telling my Mom, but not the whole story, just that he tried to coerce me sexually. It ended up going to court and I lied there too, so this is actually the first time I've ever talked about it or really told anyone. Well, that's a lie, I did tell one of my best friends, but she looked at me and said, why didn't you tell anyone? I just shrugged, but the answer is that I don't want anyone to look at me the way she did, with a mixture of pity and what seemed to me like condemnation.
Anyway, I feel that my life progressed pretty normally until he contacted me again by finding me on facebook, telling me that we should meet and if I ever needed anything, blah, blah, right? I was 17. I never contacted him back, and eventually he went away(after calling my grandma n actually trying to find me), but after that, I've noticed some problems that may have been there before, but somehow it seems more prominent/noticible as I get older. I'm just not sure if there's anything wrong/anything that I might need to get help over. So now I'm gonna try and describe how I feel in hopes that I can convey myself to whomever reads this.
Whenever someone asks me out, I feel panicky and automatically say no. It's like in all that 3 second period, I go through all the reasons why I should say no, that he probably just wants sex, and it'll never last, plus my thoughts on how when we even get to the kissing stage how I'm gonna get through that. I have had one person ask to kiss me (no date or nothing) and my entire mind blanked and the only thoughts I had were to refuse and how get away as fast as possible/make him go away.
I hate people walking behind me or being behind me, I don't like being touched. Even though it's totally irrational and I realize it, I hate it when people talk about their experiences because I feel that I've "gotten over it" and they should to. I do realize though that people can't just get over it, and when others talk about themselves, it makes me think about me, and that's the real problem I have with it.
Whenever I think about trying to get out there and date, I get all anxious and think about how I'm supposed to explain not being a virgin to my boyfriend, not to mention how I'm supposed to get through the entire sexual act. Basically what I'm trying to describe is my extreme anxiety when it comes to even the fathoming of a relationship, and I end up getting really depressed and thinking that how would it be worth it?, just to find someone to be with. But at the same time, I really want someone that I can rely on, and have someone to depend on.
It gets really tiring having to hold up your outer shell that everyone else sees and be a strong, independant woman who can do anything, while inside your crying and sad because it seems like in one aspect of your life, you'll never progress. I've come up with a way to describe myself that I feel like pretty much hits the mark. I'm like a glass bottle, and I've been shattered. And I had to piece myself back together, but along the way, I've lost some pieces. And now amidst my taped up self, all my hurt is inside the bottle, but the bottle has holes, so it leaks out. And so, because of the pressure of my hurt, the bottle eventually shatters and I have a breakdown and cry and feel hopeless and helpless. And then after all that, I have to find the strength to take all my pieces and put myself back together again. But no matter how well I put my bottle back together for the outside world, I'm still sad, and I still break. It feels like a never ending cycle.
I hope someday I'll be able to finally start a relationship and maybe be happy, because I feel so lonley and alone all the time, but I'm starting to think that I'll never be able to, or that in order to be able to overcome this, I might need help.
I've posted here because I've done some research into PTSD and it seems to me like I might have it, but I'm honestly too scared to find a therapist or get evaluated or anything, mostly because what if I'm just overeggagerating things? What if they tell me I'm fine, and that I'm just imagining all my fears and anxiety? I wanted to finally put most of what I've been feeling into words and have someone tell me if I'm crazy.
And the best part is that since it's online, I can't feel like any of you are looking at me like my friend did. I just want someone to tell me what I should do so that I'm not sad anymore. I want to know how to fix me. It's been 4 more years and now I'm 21 and I'm so tired, and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Thanks for bearing with me and listening.
