Ms Blue Sky
Bronze Member
Hello all, I just wanted to introduce myself here as I guess this is where I need to be
In my therapy sessions my alters have begun to make themselves known, at least I think they are alters or fragments or parts of me, I will either want to hide behind the chair or lie on the floor, I feel like a terrified young child or I feel like a hostile angry teenager
Now it seems that these parts of me are coming more to the surface, especially the teenager, all the feelings I had as a teenager of feeling hideously ugly, feeling ashamed of everything about myself are coming up again, I suppressed these feelings for years
I have virtually no memories of my childhood apart from fragments and friends told me that at school I walked around in a perpetual daze
I would act out parts in a play every night when I went to bed, the play was made up in my head and there were three main characters - a compliant, subdued quiet innocent female and a rebellious streetwise tough female who would vie for the affections of a male - a troubled addict, I would always " save " him with my love or I would be rescued in these stories ( this sounds nuts to me as I write it down! )
I believe this led to my love addiction as an adult - anyhow I never wanted to go to sleep
Now also I don't want to go to sleep at night, I have things that need to get done but can't manage them, somehow nothing is getting done, I seem to lose chunks of time
I feel fragmented, writing helps - I write down three pages in the mornings of A4 which gives me more of a sense of identity
The shame is chronic
I remember vaguely an incident in which my dad was furious with somebody and chased them along the street, an attack of some sort? I was also seriously bullied at school and at home and was neglected by my parents, for years I perpetuated that neglect too, neglecting myself and my appearance but lately I've begun to make more of an effort and thought, why should I neglect myself
I have had numerous traumas throughout my life, God grant that I don't have any more, I've been in a violent relationship, stalked, emotionally abused
And this week I had my first blackout! In front of a man I really like! So things can't get worse I guess!
Thank you for reading this, it's been good to get it out X
In my therapy sessions my alters have begun to make themselves known, at least I think they are alters or fragments or parts of me, I will either want to hide behind the chair or lie on the floor, I feel like a terrified young child or I feel like a hostile angry teenager
Now it seems that these parts of me are coming more to the surface, especially the teenager, all the feelings I had as a teenager of feeling hideously ugly, feeling ashamed of everything about myself are coming up again, I suppressed these feelings for years
I have virtually no memories of my childhood apart from fragments and friends told me that at school I walked around in a perpetual daze
I would act out parts in a play every night when I went to bed, the play was made up in my head and there were three main characters - a compliant, subdued quiet innocent female and a rebellious streetwise tough female who would vie for the affections of a male - a troubled addict, I would always " save " him with my love or I would be rescued in these stories ( this sounds nuts to me as I write it down! )
I believe this led to my love addiction as an adult - anyhow I never wanted to go to sleep
Now also I don't want to go to sleep at night, I have things that need to get done but can't manage them, somehow nothing is getting done, I seem to lose chunks of time
I feel fragmented, writing helps - I write down three pages in the mornings of A4 which gives me more of a sense of identity
The shame is chronic
I remember vaguely an incident in which my dad was furious with somebody and chased them along the street, an attack of some sort? I was also seriously bullied at school and at home and was neglected by my parents, for years I perpetuated that neglect too, neglecting myself and my appearance but lately I've begun to make more of an effort and thought, why should I neglect myself
I have had numerous traumas throughout my life, God grant that I don't have any more, I've been in a violent relationship, stalked, emotionally abused
And this week I had my first blackout! In front of a man I really like! So things can't get worse I guess!
Thank you for reading this, it's been good to get it out X
