Sufferer Hi Trying To Figure It All Out

[MeWobbles]

Hi all
Just came across this site whilst I was looking up stuff that fits my current situation. I have desnos/ cptsd dx. Trying to figure it all out. I'm in therapy and have been so for most of my adolescent life. I wonder if it will change but I'm not sure. I'm currently having a really hard time with my t and am only holding on by the threads.

It bothers me that she matters so much. It appears to be based on need / hate. I know probably too much and because of this conflict with her I am trying to get the answers. I feel so inhuman because of this need. My t is probably the only significant person in my life - which means the only relationship I have is premised on a therapeutic frame. Makes me feel sad that its so unreal. I'm really depressed. Really. I am really struggling with all this. Sorry it's probably not the best way to start at introductions.

 

[intothelight]

Hi MeWobbles,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Your introduction is just fine as this is a really safe place to pull off the mask, be ourselves, and work together to overcome the symptoms and issues that are holding us back. By becoming a member you are also making that first step to reconnect with other people and hopefully you will find it easier as time goes on.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[ill]

No apologies necessary.

Why are you having a hard time with your t? Is it because she matters so much, or are there other things going on? Do you think the hate of the need/hate is because of the need? It's really common for people with trauma to have a hard time needing/trusting/depending on others, so you're definitely not alone there. But all humans need other people and it's not something we have to feel ashamed of and it's not a weakness. It's just the way things are (even if we sometimes wish they were otherwise).

My t is one of the most significant people in my life, and though our relationship is based on a therapeutic/professional framework, I don't regard it as any less real than any other relationship in my life. All relationships have boundaries, whether implicit or explicit, personal or professional (or therapeutic). That's okay. And it's okay if you only have one significant relationship in your life right now. Maybe it means you haven't clicked with anyone in awhile or that you're working on trusting other people or that you're working on yourself. It sucks sometimes, and it can be lonely, but I hope you know that it's not a reflection of you and your worth.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi MeWobbles and welcome to the forum!:)

 

[MeWobbles]

Thanks guys.

I think I'm struggling in the transference issues and my struggles with my t are from trust, fear and feeling perhaps hurt.

Last week I told her I wanted out because it was too hard to resolve and after a lot of msging between us, I decided to have another crack at it in a couple of weeks.

All this tension is very activating, chaotic and exhausting. I know so much is premised from past interactions and I'm projecting that onto her. It's all very distressing for us both cause I know I'm intolerable like this and for me I feel so dysregulated. I try not to do relationship cause they're too hard; there's too much shame and I don't feel very likeable anyway.
Anyway thanks for responding.

Wobbles