Higher sex drive caused by marital abuse?

[Hectate13]

So I'm in a new relationship with someone I consider my soulmate but there is issues that I don't know how to deal with from my past relationship to a sex addict that lasted for about nine years. I've never done this before but I don't know what else to do. My drive has been very very high since my ex and I had decided to try polyamory, I went from not wanting anything to can't get enough from anyone but my now ex. Since I met my fiance I don't want anyone else but my drive is still as high. This only seems to happen when F turns me on but nothing happens, I have breakdowns at night after he does even if it had happened early in the day. I don't know if this is from the nine years of sex everyday even when I didn't want it or just the frustration built up. Days where he doesn't touch me but I'm still wanting sex I don't have breakdowns. I feel horrible for putting him through this and making him feel like he isn't enough but I don't know how to make this cycle stop. F knows about everything I've been through so he understands but it's still difficult on him and me.

 

[grit]

To me this sounds like a re-enactment of a past issue. Do you have therapy to help you sort out? It sounds really difficult because you are not only suffering by this impulse but now you have your relationship and your fiance involved in the action. I wonder if it is possible for you to separate your issue from him so you can take the appropriate steps to recover and not collide with him as well. Sounds a tough one to crack.

 

[flowerapple]

This reminds me of myself, in a way. My therapist said it was hypersexual behaviour, which can be due to different reasons. Like you, I too, as weird as it sounds, feel this need to have sex with my abuser, despite being absolutely terrified of him, and knowing that I don't want to and shouldn't. But, I don't because I can't, so I do the next best thing which is to sleep with random men. But I don't try to know them. The moment I know them, I get scared and I don't want to do it, and get thrown back into the past. It's weird but it's like the emotional connection is one of the most the most scary parts to me.

In any case, this video explains a bit of it: Hypersexuality as a Result of Abuse | Kati Morton

Hope this helps, and know you are not alone.

 

[flowerapple]

This might help too: Hypersexual Disorder Or Just A High Sex Drive? The Profile Of A Sex Addict

 

[Hectate13]

Thank you those help so much, it feels so much better to have something to put a name to what I've been going through. I noticed a pattern as well of dangerous sex. Before I met my ex husband as well as after I broke up with him.

 

[flowerapple]

With dangerous sex, I find the worst, most-threatening looking person or someone who online is talking about inappropriate things, or someone who doesn't look trustworthy, or something like that, to basically go to their house and have sex, even though I don't know them. Or, I'll have sex with someone who talked about doing something similar to what happened to me. I don't know why I do this though because it scares the crap out of me and I feel like sh*t during, and even worse after, but I just have to do it.
I don't know if that's what you meant though.

 

[Friday]

Sex is hands down my absolute fave PTSD coping mechanism. It’s grounding. It’s stress relieving. It’s connecting. It’s a neurochemical jumpstart/smackdown. Its physical as hell & sensory in spades. It’s fun.

I have a fairly high libido to begin with (in an 11 year marriage we still had sex every day, but we’d had sex 5 or more times a day in he beginning, so that follows the 20% rule most relationships follow; daily becomes weekly, weekly becomes monthly, monthly becomes birthday blowjobs and that’s if you’re lucky).

Following sexual assaults? My libido takes on a MAJOR uptick ...for about 6 months, give or take.

Add those 3 things together? Hell, simply adding coping mechanism + high libido together gets BIG results, all 3 and it’s Goodnight Irene.

If my libido has become a problem? What I’ve found works the best is to look at the coping mechanism side of things (stress management)... and start meeting those needs elsewhere, as much as possible. Because my libido will still be there, even if I’ve managed my stress down to zero, I won’t be missing out on glory glory hallelujah awesomeness of sex. :D I can still have sex and enjoy it down to my fingertips, with zero stress. But if my stress is through the roof and I’m not meeting it anywhere except sex? Zero sex = meltdown dysregulated horrible (no)f*cking awfulness. :sour:

 

[Hectate13]

Holy crap Friday that especially the last part feels like a slap in the face similar. And what I mean by dangerous is people who only want sex from me, first date no condoms, I can't have kids because of medical issues and I figured after nine years of on and off protection I couldn't anyways but I did get a mirena put in. And once I did catch an sti from a guy who pretended to care but blocked me without telling me he gave me the sti.

 

[flowerapple]

And what I mean by dangerous is people who only want sex from me, first date no condoms

I do the same thing, but I don't know why. In the moment, it's like I don't care, and even after but to a lesser extent.

 

[Hectate13]

I wish I had an answer but I don't know why I would do it either. I know I would think if they think they are going to use me I will use them back.

 

[flowerapple]

I'm more thinking that although they're using me, it's because I chose it, not someone forcing me. Or, I think that it's not like it's anything new because this is normal, and it's basically what I am, so even though the abuse stopped, I still need to do it because it's what I'm supposed to do. Or, I think that I'm helping them to get what they want, and I'm offering to do it, and if they do it to me, then maybe they won't do it to someone else because it's not anything new and I'm used to it anyways.

It makes no actual sense though when you think about it.

 

[Hectate13]

It does to me but in a really flawed logic way. Guys I used to talk to sexually keep asking me and saying that I shouldn't have become monogamous again from polyamorous or asking why I did it and pushing the boundaries to set.