Relationship His Ptsd Makes Him Want To Be Single

[Iworry4him]

I met a guy a few months ago and we hit it off right away. There were butterflies and we just clicked. We decided to do the long distance thing and we have had great visits in which we have confirmed that we have a great chemistry. During a visit I learned that he has PTSD from his tours in Afghanistan which is fine with me. Two of my best friends have PTSD for the same reason so I am not stranger to it.

A few days ago he tells me that he can't deal with the things in his own mind, let alone be with someone else. I'm confused because he says his heart wants me but his head is not ready. He wants to go through his issues alone because it "feels right". Please help me understand. I am confused why he wants to go through this alone instead if having someone who cares about him to lean on when he needs it.

I worry for him

 

[arfie]

There is so much of PTSD that quite simply must be faced alone. The best of intentions are a distraction, at best.

Trust, time and votes of confidence are the best help you can give.

 

[Lost Pup]

Sorry to hear that. I have to warn the following might sound harsh....

One thing I've learned in my relatively short years is that no matter what reason one gives as to why they need/want to be single, they usually mean it, and if the feeling is not mutual, it usually hurts. Sometimes a lot.

I think men with PTSD can be extraordinarily difficult. In some regards, we appear to be classic broken-wing types in need of love and support. At the same time, we also often appear to be an attractive mix of very strong and very vulnerable. I suspect, unfortunately, that women's empathy for what we are going through can allow us to get away with really hurtful, manipulative or even just confusing behavior.

It certainly may be part of the mix that your man genuinely does need to be alone right now to go through PTSD healing. But it also may be more than that. I say this because I was seeing someone else when I met my current partner. That woman was really great in many ways, but I put her through alot in my confusion as I told her I felt I really needed to be alone to heal.

Then, I really fell hard and decisively for my now fiance, no matter that I was quite in the throes of my PTSD, it just didn't matter - it was all about her and how much I wanted/needed to be with her. Two years later, we are still together and her support is immeasurable to me.

I don't mean for this to sound harsh. If anything, I think I feel some regret for how I hurt my own ex-girlfriend in my own confusion of thinking it was healing/confusion/need for space, rather than simply not being the right fit. I have no idea about your specific situation, so please take it with a grain of salt, just remember to listen to your *own* heart - a guy in his shoes, great as he may be, may be prone to causing your alot of real heartache, and there is little way to know what's really going on.

Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Relationships add stress. We don't need more stress. This is why we often shy away or want to go it alone. It doesn't matter if you are the most loving & supportive person on the face of this planet, as there will always be added stress in a relationship.

 

[Iworry4him]

Thank you so much for the feedback! Everything that you all have said has made me feel a little bitter and allowed me to think some things through.

However, I am still not sure what my next steps should be. He has been reaching out to me because he says he wants me in his life and that he cares about me. He says that I am the right girl at the wrong time and that he is missing out because of his sickness. He says that he still wants me to be there for him and that's what I want to. However I fear that it may get difficult for me because of my feelings. My gut says to stay and be there for him, but my heart breaks at the thought of just being friends. I don't want to abandon him at his time of need, but I don't want to lose myself either. I have severe abandonment issues and I can't do the emotional roller coaster because of them. I think part of me thinks he will change his mind when he sees how much I care, but logically I know that's not likely to happen.

 

[esu2571]

You are in vurtually the exact same position I find myself in and have the same issues I have. The difference here is that my girlfiend is the PTSD sufferer and I'm the supporter (and, ironically enough, the combat veteran). She told me three days ago that she can't be in a relationship because she isn't healed enough. Three weeks ago we were talking about engagement pictures and venues...today I'm devastated, afraid, and very confused. That being said, I'm standing by her regardless - she is the love of my life and whatever she needs to heal and get better I'll just have to endure. But I must admit that my abandonment issues are tweaking and I've been on the ledge frequently these past couple of days.

I believe in love as the most powerful force God has given us. Do what you feel is best and if you encounter a better way to cope, please let me know!

 

[BloomInWinter]

While relationships do add stress, they also add support, comfort, joy, good experiences, shared burdens, and laughter.

As a sufferer, I know I love my hubby and kids and want them in my life even on the days I crave and sometimes need solitude.

I would never tell my hubby I wanted to be single unless I truly knew that was the truth. I would fully expect him to act on that statement if I did say that, and it would be right for him to do so.

If someone doesn't wish to have us in their life, we can either accept and honor their wishes and move on, keep trying to manipulate an ongoing relationship with them, or keep turning ourselves into a pretzel trying to give them everything while expecting far too little in return.

There are worse things than being alone. Being in a 'better than nothing' relationship was one of those things to me. When a person is unable or unwilling to meet our basic needs in regards to feeling love and respect, it can be extremely damaging to us to try to hang on.

Only you really know if there is a shred of real hope he might change over time, but my best suggestion to a supporter is never put your life on hold hoping/waiting for him to change. If he does, that's wonderful. But hitting the pause button on living every moment we can of our short time on this earth should be done with the full knowledge that it may be depriving us of other rewarding moments.

Go with your gut. You can always change your mind, whatever you choose. You're not locked into any choice forever. Trust yourself to do what is best for you and that is often the healthiest path to take.

Put yourself first.

 

[MoeX]

As someone thats been in your shoes I say take him at his word. If he cant be with you right now then he just cant. Yes it hurts to think that you cant be with the one you love, but if he is not in the right place mentally he will not be able to give you what you want and or need. He is being honest with you and thats very important.

 

[Gingerly]

I, too, was in a similar situation. It is impossible for me to understand my Sufferer's reasoning for breaking off a 4-year wonderful, committed relationship. He sounds so irrational. But, what does not make sense to me, makes perfect sense to him. Since I love him so much, I will remain friends with him. I know I will always follow my heart instead of my head. I would say to go with your gut, however, you may not be able to change him and [like me] you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

[MoeX]

I know I will always follow my heart instead of my head. I would say to go with your gut, however, you may not be able to change him and [like me] you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Gingerly I completly agree with you. I often times feel that I should have stayed away the first time he tried to break it off. I followed my heart to and sometimes feel that I did this to myself. I blame me for the broken feeling. I also after 4 years am realizing that I cant change anything. Only he can do that.

 

[Gingerly]

I find myself constantly thinking about my ex BF and what I can say to him the next time I speak to him on the phone to entice him to come back to me. He already told me 2 months ago he was "done". I am unable to accept this because I love him so much and he tells me loves me and misses me. Who am I kidding? It's so confusing! I am so screwed up!

 

[Snowangel1225]

I find myself constantly thinking about my ex BF and what I can say to him the next time I speak to him on the phone to entice him to come back to me.

You need to stop trying to control him with your actions and words. It's time to accept what he told you...it's over. At least for now. Maybe someday you will come together again, but maybe not. You both have work to do on yourselves first. Find a counselor that will help you work through your feelings. You need to take care of yourself.