Hitting a lowest low

[willhealeventually]

I recently joined this forum because the things I feel I don’t want to share with anyone in my life. It’s just me with two kids - 1 in college, and another in elementary school. I have one true friend, fir whom I am very grateful. I have some descent colleagues.
This year everything seems to come to a head. My pending divorce and stress about my older son’s college tuition pushed me into CPTSD full bore.
All I want to do is sleep. I barely show up for work. All my ex talks about to my kid is his girlfriend. I feel replaced, broken, a nobody. I want nothing except for the pain to stop, but it doesn’t.
I don’t sleep well. My bulimia from years ago has returned. My desire to die is too pronounced to ignore. Yes I’m in therapy and on medication. However, my ability to function is slipping away. And I hate this. I watch myself degrade. Who could I say this to? And why? Who would care?
I do wish I were dead. No I don’t have any plans. I also feel my hope slipping away.
I couldn’t hold onto anything in my life that I had because I had no idea how damaged I was. There was no playbook.
What I really feel is that I am a walking dead. Sadness in my eyes. No desire for anything. It sucks to relive my abuse, in and out of therapy. It sucks to feel like I drew the short straw.
I may sound like I feel sorry for myself, but I actually just loath my life. I see no light, just an endless tunnel.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you reach out to your therapist and doctor? It sounds like a change of course in both areas may be necessary. :hug:

 

[Survivor3]

I'm sorry your going through this. It sounds like you don't have many positive things/people in your life. I agree with eve and also if you could join some types of groups for hobbies/interest then you could feel less alone and meet new people. All the best to you.

 

[willhealeventually]

Based on the replies it’s clear I’ve gone off the deep end. Yes I see my therapist twice a week. She says I am going through a crisis period. If I get hospitalized I may lose my job amd my kid in the divorce. I’m trying to hang on until the year is over.
I am glad I don’t talk about what I wrote here. No place is truly safe and thank God I’m anonymous

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you think maybe you need a med dose bump or change?

It sounds like going into the hospital may not be in your best interest right now, I just hope you can start to improve without needing to go inpatient.

 

[willhealeventually]

I saw my therapist today and she taught me techniques to stay in the present. As we were going through the exercises, I realized how much I saw everything through the lens of flashbacks and never feeling safe anywhere. It was helpful.
She said I didn’t have to relieve my abuse to heal, which is a relief - because reliving it made me stop functioning. She made no med changes because she said meds aren’t going to help...

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s good that you’re learning grounding techniques. Are you getting therapy from a psychiatrist?

 

[blackemerald1]

I came to this forum because I was going to post my own thread about the intensity of my own depression atm.

Then I read your thread and I feel like whilst I can relate to how you feel with the scope and depths of your depression the cause and environmental stressors are of course, different.

Maybe that doesn't matter so much. Idk..

This year everything seems to come to a head. My pending divorce and stress about my older son’s college tuition pushed me into CPTSD full bore.

^You seem to have things going on that would stress/depress/strain anyone. So acknowledge it all.

All my ex talks about to my kid is his girlfriend. I feel replaced, broken, a nobody.

^So is he in the throws of a 'new' relationship and you are not? Remember the gloss wears off. You cannot control whatever he wishes to discuss with shared offspring.

Offspring want to love both parents but rarely have that depth of feeling towards new partners of either parent. So really no matter how much convincing your ex tries to do your offspring will form their own opinions in the end.

^Feeling replaced - well you are still a mother, worker, friend right? Nobody can replace you - that's a depressive distortion of your feelings. But it's not true. You are not giving those aspects of your life much prominence right now. It seems like our feelings of self worth are the first to go and last to return. sigh...

^Feeling broken. Yes - totally get that. But what happens after a break? There is healing. You may never be the same as before though. Maybe you will get to the point where you are better than before you were broken?

^Feeling like a nobody is the hallmark of Depression. Feeling like you could die and nobody would notice etc., It's amazing how strong this feeling can dominate all else. Again - not true.

Depression is a really serious illness and I agree with others on this thread ^ if you are on meds, maybe you need a change or a review. Lean on your therapist whilst you get through this divorce etc.,

Know that every day that you get up and face up to what you need to do is one more step towards healing. Your children do rely on you. Your work colleagues need you to show up. There are millions of reasons why you need to be alive and eventually you will enjoy your life again.

You don't need a husband/partner to make you feel good, unique, useful and loved. It's nice but not essential.

Who could I say this to? And why? Who would care?

You've written it here to us and we can relate to how you feel.

You've written this down because under that horrible layer of darkness you are still there wanting to experience life differently.

We care. I'm aware that we are not in your real life but that doesn't negate our care factor. I'm sure those people you have also mentioned care for you too. Maybe they don't know how to understand depression or express their concern in ways that you need right now. Or are they trying and you don't feel it under that heavy cloak you are dragging along with you?

I couldn’t hold onto anything in my life that I had because I had no idea how damaged I was

Before I lost everything I had an expectation that lots of aspects of life somehow had elements of permanency. And that maybe I was entitled to believe that what I most loved would be permanent. I'm not sure why I thought this but anyhow now I know that it's not true. Nothing is permanent and everything changes. Can you accept that you too also do not remain permanent in most aspects of your feelings? I mean if everything changes around you, then you too must change right?

I see no light, just an endless tunnel.

^Another hallmark of Depression. Yes it's dark and seems hopeless. I cannot offer you any instant fixes. Depression is like that... but there can be a slow emergence from that tunnel. Can you keep feeling along the walls, one step at a time - even if you cannot see the light, you may find a bend in the tunnel and eventually come to the light. Keep hanging in there. :hug:

 

[willhealeventually]

It’s good that you’re learning grounding techniques. Are you getting therapy from a psychiatrist?

Yes - she does both

 

[Mach123]

It's difficult to say anything because I feel like anything I'll say will hurt. Because everything hurt when I felt like you do now.

But everything doesn't hurt anymore and it's possible to feel better.

You are intuitive and intelligent both of which are clear in your writing.

We won't tell anyone. At first I used to go around deleting everything I wrote online. I used to call the therapist on the way home in the car and beg her never to tell anyone what I said and don't mention any of it to me either.

Our responses are based on (sometimes) years of hard experience and (often) a sincere desire that you find a way to hang on till you feel better.

I honestly hope you get something out of being here. I hope you participate.

It is safe though it probably seems impossible to imagine.

 

[willhealeventually]

I appreciate your thoughtful and understanding response. It’s hard to open up and then see responses that feel condescending.
PTSD is a difficult thing and a lot of what I know is hard to apply when in the middle of crisis. It’s easier to not say anything at all that to open yourself up to lectures about the obvious.
None of us are “perfect” but I try to avoid others when I feel raw, torn open, nerve endings exposed. By saying all this, it’s my way of hanging on and giving an online group a chance.
You are right - nothing feels safe and few to no people feel like they get it. I also realize that I feel that rather than the willingness of others to help because i am in middle of all of this...

 

[Mach123]

Yes we get it. Everything we say (or don't) gets filtered through your trauma filter and everything sounds condescending or like a lecture or whatever else depending on you and what you've been through.

Please be assured it's not intended that way but we all are dealing with it also. You are going to read stuff and get triggered. It's awful. I get triggered still. Not as much but I get triggered.
There is laughing as well though after awhile.

Thanks for your reply and that you are able to reply good and hopeful. You are not all alone and it's going to be hard. I wish I could tell you it's easy it's not.

Now you are here. I am glad you made it. There are lots of us that never get it out. Never manage to accomplish what you've already done.

You did a great thing for yourself. : ).