SeanCharles
Diamond Member
Okay,
I don't know how much more I can take... I feel like it's fight or flight time... I've been trying to do the best I can, I know that a few things are involved here:
1. My direct Supervisor is Asian, I am not about to get racist here, and IS a woman. While my past trauma(s) aren't racial related, the issues here are culture, gender, and a lack of trust on my part, not hers to an extent. Because of my earliest trauma did involve a female, I have in many ways worked through my trust issues with women. Because of the Asian culture, I suspect there is friction between my supervisor and I at that level because She wants to know me and I feel like me, (I must add that a few insiders don't like the woman!), not being able to be open with her, a closed book that has a key, a combination lock, a fingerprint scanner and lastly a retinal scanner. On top of those layers of security, there is a master password which will reformat the entire system If you exceed two failed password entries.
2. In all honesty, I don't see me doing anything beyond what I do. I seem to see the lines in the sand being re-drawn and re-drawn and yet re-drawn once again almost every week! This is getting annoying beyond my tolerance.
3. I feel that day by day, week by week, my ptsd is getting worse. I know that I dissociate, my anxiety is extremely high, and the undo pressure I am under is unmanageable. I am sure that in order to get reasonable accommodations if I asked for them they would be willing to accept some, but it comes down to the fact that I don't feel comfortable disclosing WHAT my disabilities are (I have more than one!) because of the levels of management involved, after all I am in a CORPORATE work environment here. On the pre-employment application and screening questionnaire I completed, I was asked If I had a disability, It was a simple y/n question. I honestly answered yes, knowing that in ways it would be red flagged. I do know that during the orientation I completed my I-9 form, in so doing I was exempted from what I am not exactly sure. I've been denied once before when I was screened by an employer using this form.
So why, Hitting Rock Bottom?
I am not feeling suicidal, or even having those thoughts... I am tired of fighting. I feel like a deer in headlights as I am trying to figure out what I want, and where I want to go. I have a wider skill set in ways because of the skills I have acquired from my employment with this company. I feel a little bit of information is needed here:
I was forced into going to work by the Vocational Counselor I had. They hired an outside job developer to assist me in finding employment. I applied to this company after having been a shopper on several occasions. Little I did I know then, was that previously the company was bought by the Kroger Corporation. I wasn't until I first lost my hiring food manager and watched my treatment and the treatment of my co-workers go to the dogs when the assistant manager, a woman, was promoted to the lead dog position. I find out later that SHE had worked in the deli and then transferred to grocery! Then she was fired, and then another manager who originally was a front-end manager became our food manager.
My first impression of him was very negative, then I began to change that impression as I saw him having me do more than I had previously, including working with the front-end doing courtesy clerking and also doing some cart pushing among other duties which also included doing scan outs with my own log in!
Then he transferred to the other store and the manager (long story short: he was the boyfriend of the ex assistant manager turned manager who hired me!) and He reminded me so much of her, I wondered if she wasn't somehow managing me through him...
Anyway... I know this is extremely long and I have a lot more to tell, but this is triggering me and I have some insiders and an ESD (Emotional Support Dog) that need attention!
I don't know how much more I can take... I feel like it's fight or flight time... I've been trying to do the best I can, I know that a few things are involved here:
1. My direct Supervisor is Asian, I am not about to get racist here, and IS a woman. While my past trauma(s) aren't racial related, the issues here are culture, gender, and a lack of trust on my part, not hers to an extent. Because of my earliest trauma did involve a female, I have in many ways worked through my trust issues with women. Because of the Asian culture, I suspect there is friction between my supervisor and I at that level because She wants to know me and I feel like me, (I must add that a few insiders don't like the woman!), not being able to be open with her, a closed book that has a key, a combination lock, a fingerprint scanner and lastly a retinal scanner. On top of those layers of security, there is a master password which will reformat the entire system If you exceed two failed password entries.
2. In all honesty, I don't see me doing anything beyond what I do. I seem to see the lines in the sand being re-drawn and re-drawn and yet re-drawn once again almost every week! This is getting annoying beyond my tolerance.
3. I feel that day by day, week by week, my ptsd is getting worse. I know that I dissociate, my anxiety is extremely high, and the undo pressure I am under is unmanageable. I am sure that in order to get reasonable accommodations if I asked for them they would be willing to accept some, but it comes down to the fact that I don't feel comfortable disclosing WHAT my disabilities are (I have more than one!) because of the levels of management involved, after all I am in a CORPORATE work environment here. On the pre-employment application and screening questionnaire I completed, I was asked If I had a disability, It was a simple y/n question. I honestly answered yes, knowing that in ways it would be red flagged. I do know that during the orientation I completed my I-9 form, in so doing I was exempted from what I am not exactly sure. I've been denied once before when I was screened by an employer using this form.
So why, Hitting Rock Bottom?
I am not feeling suicidal, or even having those thoughts... I am tired of fighting. I feel like a deer in headlights as I am trying to figure out what I want, and where I want to go. I have a wider skill set in ways because of the skills I have acquired from my employment with this company. I feel a little bit of information is needed here:
I was forced into going to work by the Vocational Counselor I had. They hired an outside job developer to assist me in finding employment. I applied to this company after having been a shopper on several occasions. Little I did I know then, was that previously the company was bought by the Kroger Corporation. I wasn't until I first lost my hiring food manager and watched my treatment and the treatment of my co-workers go to the dogs when the assistant manager, a woman, was promoted to the lead dog position. I find out later that SHE had worked in the deli and then transferred to grocery! Then she was fired, and then another manager who originally was a front-end manager became our food manager.
My first impression of him was very negative, then I began to change that impression as I saw him having me do more than I had previously, including working with the front-end doing courtesy clerking and also doing some cart pushing among other duties which also included doing scan outs with my own log in!
Then he transferred to the other store and the manager (long story short: he was the boyfriend of the ex assistant manager turned manager who hired me!) and He reminded me so much of her, I wondered if she wasn't somehow managing me through him...
Anyway... I know this is extremely long and I have a lot more to tell, but this is triggering me and I have some insiders and an ESD (Emotional Support Dog) that need attention!
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