Holiday Blues

[marylouise]

Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with depression for many years, with the exception of the holidays. Before I met my husband, a gloom would descend over me for at least some part of the holidays. It was just like clinical depression, with the accompanying negativism and hopelessness, though it would lift as soon as the holidays passed. I hated being alone on Christmas, when it seemed everyone else I knew was with family. Being alone raised the specter of my horrible childhood and resulting estrangement from my family because of their violence.

This is the first year since I met my husband that I feel the gloom descending. I know it's at least partly because he and I are fighting lately. We're also estranged from his sister, and that is starting to feel permanent (she refuses to go back to family therapy). His father is his only remaining nuclear family member, and my father-in-law is very sick, probably clinically depressed, and miserable to be around. We know my father-in-law will die soon, and then my husband and I will be alone during the holidays. Besides all this, my husband and I have struggled with infertility. We really wanted children, and now it's looking like we won't have any.

Life feels lonely and miserable. It's usually easy to entertain myself, comfort myself, etc. but everything feels stupid and useless. It's hard to imagine a better future. And all this literally descended just yesterday. I woke up gloomy and miserable. It feels physical, like depression.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm sorry you are in such a rough spot. I have no solutions for you but wanted to say you're not alone in feeling that way around the holidays. There is such an expectation of having a perfect family at Christmas, much more so than during the rest of the year. Sometimes I feel like I'm dodging test questions everywhere I go. "Umm, no, I'm not seeing my family for Christmas." "No, I don't have plans for Christmas dinner." And listening to other people's chatter when their biggest problem seems to be whether the iPad they're getting for their cousin is better at this department store or that.

It's not that I don't like Christmas itself. I love Christmas. Or I would. If I hated it, I'd just ignore it and not care. It's not being able to make it what I wish it could be that is so depressing. My winter depression every year has something to do with lack of light, I'm sure, but more to do with the yearly reminder that my family has gone to the dogs. The gloom can last until the snow melts.

So yeah, you're not alone, even though it feels that way. I'll probably be online a lot around the holidays if you want someone to chat with.

 

[Lionheart]

Unfortunately, depression is increased over the holidays for many people and I'm sorry to read that you are struggling,

I struggle with "holiday depression," major depressive disorder, and seasonal affective disorder, (as well as being disabled with PTSD). Seems all these different types of depression go hand-in-hand and make the holidays a tough time.

What's more is, I think the media sets us up for the "perfect" holiday and leaves us dissapointed and sad when our reality fails to match that perfection. Thanksgiving and Christmas is very depressing for me as there are no longer any children here to rip open presents and there will be no big family gathering.

My father passed on Dec 21 2012, just 4 days before Christmas and I am still grieving that loss. There will be no decorations, no tree, no presents, and only if we are very lucky will there be a dinner. I will be here alone with my 78-year-old mother and our cat, and I really just want the holidays to be over.

Still, I am trying to stay as positive as possible and have gotten pretty good at making the best of the hand life has dealt to me. I keep thinking this too shall pass and it helps if only a bit. At least here I have the understanding and support of my peers and that makes things a little easier to bare.

Wishing you the best,
Lionheart777

 

[new gamma rays]

If I just curl up in a ball, hide underground and nobody f*cking touches me or throws me into a hospital for the next month- then my holidays would be ten times better than any I have experienced in the past four years. 3 years ago I was torn out of my house, bound down to a stretcher by my wrists and slammed into an ambulance with my literal last memory before they carted me off was seeing my neighbors extensive Christmas light display and realizing that would be etched into my mind forever. The year before that I was thrown into the worst involuntary mental health hospital this state has and spent my christmas there. The trauma from that and five other instances made the fact that when my parents called the ambulance into our house 3 years ago turn into an irrepressible trigger - and it was that retraumatization and freak out that the paramedic and hospital staff took to be a sign of mental illness and why they bound me to the stretcher. f*ck my family. I have to repress a lot of shit that is not going to stay down this year.