Holidays With Family

[soulsearcher]

All I can say is I put myself here. I am at my family dinner and sitting here crying in the wash room. I convinced myself to come for my kids sake, so they could see there cousins, etc. Two of my abusers are here. My anxiety is to the max and trying to act normal. I have been told by everyone I should be happy and I should be this and that. I have broken my sobriety to numb my feelings. I watch the kids they are happy and having fun.

Somehow I need to stop these tears and get back out and face them again.

How do you face your abusers and act 'normal'? I don't even know if I can eat the dinner, my stomach feels awful. The hair on my arms is standing on end.

I need to get control of myself or I will be in trouble. I keep saying I am doing this for my kids.

Somehow I got to make it through. I'm just not sure how!!

 

[Springer80]

I if were you I'd say I don't feel well to the host and take your kids and get the hell out of there as quick as you can.

 

[franciemarnie]

I vote to leave also. Maybe you can set up a get together with the cousins and kids without abusers. You are number one. When your kids are old enough they will understand all your feelings of needing not to be with these people.

 

[Springer80]

Obviously your wider family don't know. Now isn't the time but I would suggest they need too. I'm also assuming that there are other kids in the family that may come into contact with this scum.

You are number one. Your intentions may have been well intentioned but the situation you and your kids are in is wrong.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I understand wanting to put your kids first, but I think you owe it to your kids to give them a healthy mom, and being around your abusers is putting you into an UNhealthy state. Your kids deserve a healthy mom more than they deserve to see their cousins. I agree that you should set up a time for them to see their cousins when the abusers are not around.

 

[Springer80]

How are you? Did you make it out of or through the dinner? Hoping your okay?

 

[soulsearcher]

Yes I made it home safely. Kids had a great time. I had to take 2 sleeping pills to fall asleep. And yes I need to rethink about going to family occassions, I don't ever want to go through that again. But is it all just me? Do I just need more coping skills?

 

[Springer80]

Why would you ever WANT to cope with being around such curdled toxic people?

Someone before said the best thing you can give to your kids is a healthy you.

It is frightening revealing the truth to family. Its no picnic and in most cases I dont think people who do get alot of support, its too shattering for most.

But the other option is that your driven physically and mentally into the ground, living your life in a shadow of the your truth, whilst thosr responsible live with impunity.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, It is NOT about needing better coping skills! This is the attitude that my mom has... That if I cannot deal with abusive people, then it is a failure on my part for not being able to just let it all not affect me. This is COMPLETELY blaming the victim rather than holding the abuser responsible for their actions!

Of course, I'm not saying that you shouldn't work on coping skills, as I think that everyone can always learn better ways to cope in general. Rather, I wouldn't say that you need better coping skills in order to be around your abusers. I think that you deserve to have better people in your life. I don't know what your situation is with your family or how much they know, but you don't owe it to anyone to do anything that will put your own health and safety at risk.

 

[a3a2]

Take it from one who has hung in there "for the sake of the kids". They are better off if you get out of the toxic relationships.

 

[soulsearcher]

It's not that I want to be in toxic relationships, I want the exact opposite. I believe my children should not suffer for my past trauma. No one in the family knows besides the abusers themselves. I have just this year told 2 people about my traumas one being my therapist and the other my psychiatrist. I have kept the secrets for 25+ years. Some days the pain of it all is to intense but I keep going for my children.

 

[Springer80]

You say your kids shouldn't suffer but I really don't understand how they benefit from this situation?

I'm aware how hard this all is and my heart goes out to you, truly. I don't want to sound like I'm rounding on you but its difficult not too feel fiercely protective once you've felt what its like.

So, your kids:

They get to have an innocent childhood insullied by the truth.

They also get an unreal and cowed version of their.mum.

They.get to play with their cousins.

They are also totally oblivious to being in the proximity of child abusers. (has it ever occured to you that your kids.may not like these relatives).

I think you should really put the hours in with your T on this subject. And see what support groups/ womens centres are in town. You need more support.