Holidays

[Lessthanzero]

Hi,

The holidays are upon us and I am having a very hard time. Less than two months ago, I had to move home after living and working on the other side of the world for the past 5+ years. Though I managed to become professionally somewhat successful during that time, I also experienced the event(s) that left me traumatized. I became increasingly dysfunctional and could no longer pretend that things were ok, and that led me to basically having to fly home and move really fast. In the meantime, I've made some real progress in certain areas with therapy, but have not even started working on other areas. For example, I'm isolating less, but I'm still isolating most of the time. As such, I'm panicking about Thanksgiving, about having people in the house (they're already here and have been here for a few days) and about having to socialize with my family. I know people who do not have PTSD struggle with the holidays. But right now, I don't want to be here, at home with family at all. I feel so badly about it; this is my first holiday home in a few years and I haven't seen any of them for so long. But I'm isolating. I also feel like their lives are stable and normal and that mine is now a mess and I'm the family crazy person. Like all families, we aren't perfect. They tend to say a lot of things to kind of diminish the things I've done and inflate the accomplishments of the men in the family. I do not want to make conversation with them even though I care about them. I don't really know if I want "tips" for getting through Thanksgiving. I just don't want to be here at all. I'm also worried that I'm going to get very angry around each other. I know I'm not going to enjoy it at all, and I resent that I have to be here as just a warm body that's expected to smile and be social and motivated and energetic. I can't put on that show anymore... we all put on shows for the holidays, but I don't feel like I'm really able to do it anymore.

Anyone else felt like this? What did you do? I'm considering checking into a hotel. I really don't want to see literally anyone.

 

[twinkle30]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. One year I felt this way and I called up a local church that does a Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless and asked to volunteer. You might look into that. You could help prep the food all day, serve it in the evening, and clean up in the night.
That being said if you need extra support that day you might try the chat. It's hit or miss if someone is on there but usually there is someone there to chat.

 

[Lessthanzero]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. One year I felt this way and I called up a local church that does...

It sounds like you're a good person. I wish I felt capable of that, but I think that's pretty much the opposite of what I'm able to do right now.

 

[Intrepid]

I have to be kind to myself. When I don't like where I am I need to leave. That's easier said than done.

When I'm alone and having flashbacks I can freak out and no one will see.

When I was having flashbacks at work I basically had to push it all away and robotically do my job. When I was having flashbacks at family gatherings I hid out when it got too intense or got drunk (I stopped drinking. Too many side effects). I had flashbacks last year in a store when my daughter was trying to pick out a Christmas present. I had to hold on and pretend everything was okay. That was hard, but I have learned over the years how to suffer intensly and still function.

Checking into a hotel might work. That's what I would do. It's really important have a car so you can escape. Make excuses and go.

Take it in short bites. Don't overhwelm yourself, or at lease limit the getting overwhelmed.