First lets deal with the language "what is normal" I understand his frustrations and i also understand your reluctance and trauma. Rape is a very traumatic act . Do you feel your husband is insensitive and selfish and abusive if not then it is not rape.
Do I feel like he is insensitive and selfish? Yes. Abusive? No, because it isn't his intent. My perception of things may be off by my past. Is it rape if that isn't his intent? I'm not sure I would define it that since it wasn't his intent. Maybe molestation is a better word? I don't know, does that exist as a thing in a marriage?
"Normal" might be subjective, and what one person wouldn't mind having done to them might not be the same for another. Things I personally don't find acceptable is him grabbing my privates, trying to bypass my shorts to get where he is going while I'm trying to block him with my hand, rubbing himself on me, while I tell him no and try to move away from him. Meanwhile he keeps grabbing me so I can't get away, and pushing my hands away when I try to block him. He follows me around the house continuing to rub himself on me, and everytime I end up alone with him the behavior picks back up. The only way he will stop is to finally break down and have sex--which I make a point not to participate in more than necessary. He used to keep me awake until I caved--come to bed after midnight, start talking poking, prodding, grabbing, etc, and literally not stop In his head though, I do think he is convinced that since I give in, I actually want it. He also holds the belief that my body is his because we are married, and has told me such. I do not think he has any clue the violation I feel. And I'm not sure he understands truly why I don't like it. He would love for me to make a pass at him every time I pass by (or at least he thinks he would).
I've woken up to him touching me underneath my clothes, his fingers in me, etc. I have told him how much I absolutely hate it, I've told him not to do it again, how violated it makes me feel, it still happens. I wake up horrified every time.
Drunk, is a completely different animal. He's cornered me and tried to get my clothes off when the words were explicitly no. He was naked and covered in his own vomit. When I realized he wasn't going to let me go, I told him I would give him anything he wanted so long as he took a shower first. He thought for a second and said no. I then said to at least go brush his teeth first, which he agreed to. As soon as he went to the bathroom, I ran and grabbed the keys before taking off. I told him the story afterwards and he thought it was funny. I told him exactly how I felt in that moment, but he shrugged it off and continued to find amusement in it, because nothing ever actually came of it. We've had a couple similar drunk instances, but not to that level. He isn't allowed to drink around me anymore, but he thinks I'm being over the top and ridiculous. I'm not. I have no desire to ever get raped by my husband covered in his own vomit. And whether his intent would have been to hurt me or not, I think I would have categorized it as rape if it had occurred, and without a doubt it would have if I had stayed in the room or if he had decided not to brush his teeth.
Do I quantify that as rape? I'm not certain it does. I do think it crosses serious boundaries. I do think he does put his desires above mine. I can't overpower him to get what I want, nor would I.
Have you discussed how you feel . Do you blame yourself for what happened to you and does your husband refuse to accept or understand how painful touching is for you?
I blame myself for not expressing myself loudly enough and for giving in. That's on me, and probably gave off mixed messages. I have, up till this point, and even someone now, avoided telling him how much the sexual touch bothers me, because I've been afraid of hurting him. Except for the whole "while I'm sleeping" thing. I've been very explicit about my feelings towards that.
My reasons for not doing so are many. I've always been afraid that if I fight against him with everything I have and it doesn't stop that the feelings of violation and the level of hurt would be far greater than they are by giving in. So, my fear of being raped has led me to give into situations I very much didn't want to be in, so that I felt some type of control if that makes any sense at all. I'm scared of hurting his feelings because I know he feels rejected by my actions. I was raised by my father who is very much a narcissistic sociopath, and raised to protect my father from his own feelings. I always assumed that he meant well and didn't mean to hurt me, so I would put on an act, and not let him know how I felt. Looking back, my dad's behavior--from the emotional abuse to the physical abuse--was very intentional, and part of the enjoyment for him was in watching me try to cover it. I was raised to take the brunt of everyone's pain, and that it was my responsibility to protect everyone from being hurt, even if it meant taking on the responsibility--which was usually put on me by my parents anyways. I'm really just now beginning to understand these dynamics and how they play out in my other relationships and why my behaviors are the way they are. I know a lot of my behavior with my husband has been to cover my own pain to protect him.
I've been very vocal about my struggle with non-sexual touch. His needs consistently come before my own. It's like he can't understand or relate? Like, touch feels good and comforting for him and he can't understand how it could not for me. I've told him that I hyperventilate and panic when he does things like hug me while I'm facing in, him pushing me against corners, him wrapping himself around me when I try to move away. I literally fight against him, and freak out. The moment I feel physically restrained or trapped, it is triggering. Feeling like something is in my face (even his chest) is terrifying. I grew up in a home where my dad would intentionally suffocate me by covering his hand tightly against my mouth and nose as punishment if I screamed in pain as he beat me. This is something my husband has also been told. My husband's comment has been in the past that I'm going to learn to like it and that it isn't scary. When it comes to this stuff, I've been VERY, VERY communicative on the subject. I think it has more to do with the fact that my husband doesn't want to accept that touch is triggering. He has explained how great his need is, sorta like just needing a hug from someone, but never getting it. Except that it seems like he doesn't need that hug a couple times a day, he wants that physical touch almost constantly. He gets angry when I push away, even though I explain that it isn't rejection. I explain the physical responses to touch, that I want to provide him with what he is asking for, but that I can only do so for so long before I need to pull away. It has nothing to do with him or my love for him. It has been explained until I'm blue in the face. He has stated that he knows this on a logical level, but emotionally it doesn't compute--he still reacts, still hurts, and still grabs ahold of me because of it.
It is possible to overcome this but your husband feeling he has raped you or you feeling this to needs to be addressed
I've not told him that this is how I feel. He understands that I don't necessarily like it. But he puts himself above my discomfort. I've avoided telling him that I feel incredibly violated by his behavior or that it has felt traumatic for me. I'm afraid to hurt him or make him feel guilty. I honestly don't think his intentions have been to hurt me. He's just been unable to relate, and I haven't been forward enough in the past. I completely blame myself in that regard and it's why I don't want him to know. I have more recently explained that the more he forces touch on me when I don't want it, the further I withdraw.
Many in your situation have therapy which helps in removing this trauma. Showing affection and love can be demonstrated in many ways. Starting by holding hands then a cuddle maybe if possible spontaneous and preferably not in bed . Tell each other how much you love and share this but without pressure building bridges to knock down walls .
This is where we are at, and where the struggle is at the moment. He has finally taken a hands off approach. But he is very frustrated and somewhat angry that I'm not initiating the amount of touch he wants or needs. He gets incredibly frustrated by the boundaries I've placed up--like how I'm hugged for example (this one makes him really mad for whatever reason), or that he isn't allowed to hold me tightly, etc. He wants it to be completely spontaneous. He wants to be able to touch me in most ways, have it eagerly accepted, and reciprocated. It's not realistic, I think he is learning that just now, but it doesn't make him any less frustrated. He very much voices his frustration and annoyance with me in this manner. I think he thought that if he just stopped touching, then I would immediately jump in and not be hesitant at all. Like all the physical touch he craves would be there, and there would be an abundance of sex in his life. I think his therapist has been unaware the extent of the damage that has been done in our relationship--largely due to not communicating with one another on this topic. I feel it has left them both feeling as if I'm being very insensitive and uncaring to his needs. When in reality, I'm trying very hard to do what he is asking and to make strides in this direction. I feel like the steps forward that I have been made, aren't really noticed in his eyes. He thinks they are petty and insignificant, and therefore, I'm not trying, when in reality I'm very scared as I'm doing these things. I'm trying to be brave, and I'm being told I'm selfish. It hurts.
A lot of this is me, and my trauma that makes me over-react to the situation. I just need space to sort through this. A lot of what has been going on, has kinda been because I'm digging up a lot of things from my past in therapy. I've worked really hard to avoid these memories and stuff them down, to pull them out and explore them is like pulling off bandaids. My therapist has told me that the entire reason we were doing emdr in the first place is so that I wouldn't feel this way (in terms of the relationship difficulties it has had). I have gone through 6 months of emdr off and on to sort through the recent trauma between my myself and my dad. It is what caused me to cut ties. But the abuse of that event was purely psychological. I didn't directly take on the abuse I went through growing up, or the rape that occurred several years ago (which I've still neglected to tell her--I've frozen up every time I've tried.) I know therapy will get me through this. I do want the kind of physical relationship that is healthy and "normal". But it takes time.
I don't know. I'm so confused and lost on this topic. I don't even know where to begin. I know how it has made me feel and the negative effect it has had. I'm frustrated by all of it. But mostly, I'm frustrated that I tried to bring it up, and have it approached, and it was shot down.
