Honor Thy Father And Mother...

[Eleanor]

Daisy, one more thing - you might want to (if you can) take a look a the thread about how perpetrators "groom" their victims. It addresses some of what you seem to be struggling with.

 

[intothelight]

Daisygirl,

Wow, this thread hit home with me. I have struggled with this myself, as my mother (my first and one of two primary abusers) is getting old and my Dad passed away a little over two years ago.

I truly believe that God is a God of love, and the first four commandments deal with how we love him and the last six with how we love others. To honor your father and mother doesn't mean that you continue to put up with abuse. I have chosen to honor by loving her as she is, since she is mentally ill. (Diagnosed as Bi-Polar, with Boarderline Personality Disorder). She will not change, but I do not have to put myself her path of destructiveness, as this just leads to bitterness, resentment and more self-loathing. I have cut off the toxic relationship, but I am working on forgiveness and acceptance of who she is.

At the same time, I am learning to forgive myself for things I should have never felt guilty or held myself responsible for. It is natural for children to love and want to please their parents. So I always felt like the failure and like there was something wrong with me. But the truth is, there was something horribly wrong with her as both my sister and I have PTSD. But honoring her will be forgiving (doesn't mean you forget, but it does mean letting go of the anger and bitterness), and just accepting her as she is.

I will always make sure she is cared for, but I will not be taking care of her personally. Our contact is limited to large family functions where she does not have the ability to single me out and attack me. But I will see that she has what she needs to be comfortable.

See God also says that we are to leave our parents and that the bond with our spouse supercedes the parental bond. Because being close to my mother makes me more sick, it also damages my marriage. I can't let that continue as marriage is the primary bond.

Hope this makes some sort of sense. I am still working it out myself and it isn't easy. But in no way do I believe a loving God would want us to keep experiencing deep emotional hurt. But I also believe he would not want us to harbor resentment or hate.

Just my .02.
Deb

 

[Daisygirl]

Wow!! I am smiling right now - see? :D Thank you SO much for the responses. I needed your words more than I can say. I have been in a survivor's support group years ago, but no one there had a situation like mine. I have never had the opportunity, until now, to ask how others similar to me would see this issue about abusive parents.

It has taken me over a decade, but I am finally not forcing forgiveness. I can say that I am accepting the way my life is. I have gone through the stages of grieving and I was angry for a long time. But now, like Eleanor, Deb, and 712xx have said, I just don't have the time or the energy to stay mad. Just in the last year, I have been able to pray for my dad without feeling like I am betraying myself. :) I really celebrate this ability as I continued to try from the beginning, and I would start sweating and freaking out, feeling creepy. As you can see, I have had a tough time sorting out all the knotted thoughts in my head.

Even when I was so angry and hurting and couldn't pray for them, I still couldn't hate them. I still don't.

There are so many good points here, that I am going to have to read this several times to get it to stick. All of you, in your own way, has validated what my T. and the pastoral counselor have said, and hubby too.

@Eleanor - I thank you for taking the time to dissect my thinking. I really tried to write down exactly what goes on in my head, to put all my fears on this post. Now, thanks to you, I can come and read your post and have your answers to shoot down this negative thinking. I can't say how much I appreciate your thoughts and arguments. I liked them all. They made sense to me. Just one point: I never thought about them wanting me back to control me. I always felt like I was turning away from their olive branch, even though my instincts said otherwise. But what you say makes sense. The 4 years I tried to keep contact were torture for me.

@intothelight - Deb, thanks so much for taking the time to share with me your experiences. I am sorry that we have this in common. I am glad that you are making progress in taking care of yourself on this issue. I understand your choices. I agree with you that not hating my parents is key.

@Eleanor and intothelight - I like your points about the effects on marriage. I have thought of this too. Funny how making a choice to continue to stay away from my family makes more sense when I think about my husband, than it does for me. I guess I still have a ways to go on my self esteem. Duh! haha

(((HUGS)))

 

[Eleanor]

((((((Daisy)))))) You go girl!:):tup:

 

[TLight]

I struggled with this for a long time too. Thought I had to be the 'better' person and do as the commandment said.

Then somewhere I heard someone say, "Honor thy Mother and Father only if they were honorable."

Let me off the hook......whew...

 

[Daisygirl]

I've been thinking about why I continue to have so much trouble with this question. I am still working on CBT to change my thinking. Your posts will help me get there!

I remembered after starting this thread, that I went to 2 or 3 ministers and a different pastoral counselor (not the one that gave me the good information), before I talked to my parents. I told them about my plans, and they said that I shouldn't bring it up. They said that I would disrupt the family and that would be wrong. My T said that this wasn't true, that my dad and mom did the damage to the family and that I was trying to bring it out in the open.

Obviously, after praying a year about confronting/talking to my parents, I decided to go forward. I never knew if I was doing the best thing. I always carried serious doubts because of what these clergymen said. I think that has been at least a part of my continued doubts. As I said, my T, the good pastoral counselor, and my husband have been the only validation I have had, until now.

Any thoughts on why these clergy thought I was doing wrong? I really felt like the bad guy when I talked to them, and then when everything ended so poorly with my family, I felt like I had gone against God. I felt like I should have listened to these clergy and kept my mouth shut.

Any rationale you can offer to help me get them out of my head?

 

[The Albatross]

"Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. For from now on in one house there will be five divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” ~ Luke 15:51-53

 

[The Albatross]

Daisygirl... didn't the link I sent you help with that? Why are you concerning yourself with what the clergy may have been thinking? Is it rational or reasonable that anyone can say what they may have been thinking? You need to get them out of your head. You're self perpetuating a shame/blame cycle. Get up from your mat and walk.

 

[The Albatross]

(((Daisygirl, I hope you're not mad at me)))

Perhaps it is time to seek out with new discernment a new church with sounder doctrine?

 

[Daisygirl]

Yes, Alby, the link is helping along with everyone's posts. I agree I am in an awful loop about this - have been for a long time for various reasons. That is why I started this post. I am not going to get over this in a few days, but I hear you.

 

[The Albatross]

Clergy or not... they are fallible, though well intentioned most often. I most often chalk it up to human frailty... and dig into Scripture.

P.S. I say this because I am a faith based person and am not advocating life by spiritual principles for those who choose not to believe. Daisy and some of us do... and it's not like I'm doing an alter call here. So please don't be offended.

 

[Daisygirl]

No, Alby, I am not mad. You're right! From a purely logical place, I can see this does me no good. I just have this horrible fear that I am going to hell for this. It's wrong I know, but there it is. :confused: A lot of my fear comes from my abuse - like a lot of abusive families - fear, secrecy and isolation were used to "protect" the family unit. The family was the main priority. I shattered all that when I confronted my mom and dad.

Whenever I get stressed, the negative thinking starts. I needed this ammunition that you and everyone here have given me to shoot it down. I know I have a big battle on my hands. Everything I am reading and learning right now goes against EVERYTHING I was taught growing up.

I feel like I am sifting through the rubble after a natural disaster, except this one was in my head, over and over looking for something worth keeping, something that wasn't destroyed.

At some point, though, like you said, I just have to get up and walk away from this. Thanks for your perspective.