Hope I'll be the last diary I'll ever write

[Givrali]

I don't know if my body will Crack before my mind or the opposite. People keep tell me to keep go to occupational therapy but I just can't because how horribly exhausted I am. My therapist was very worried about my level of exhaustion lately. I hate myself so I try to do both at the same time somehow.

 

[Givrali]

I have been asked to go to occupational therapy tomorrow but just going yesterday made me crazy of exhaustion

 

[Givrali]

People keep asking me the impossible the the impossible but the polar opposite from he first

 

[Lumos]

It sounds like occupational therapy is doing more harm to you at the moment. Can you come back to it at a later date when you're not so exhausted?

 

[Givrali]

It sounds like occupational therapy is doing more harm to you at the moment. Can you come back to it at a later date when you're not so exhausted?

My referent at it keep telling me I need to go to it for some reason. My group home ex referent c. Told me I need a structured time to feel good. I deeply afraid of the consequences if I don't go to it because it used to be deathly dangerous for me to not do whatever people around me to do.

Not dangerous in a "you'll die" way or in a "you'll get hurt" ways but in a "can I survive if this people are unhappy about me ? I wouldn't be able to deal with daily life if they stop helping me" way

 

[Givrali]

I really afraid to my core I won't survive if I disappoint people who are helping me

 

[Givrali]

So I keep forcing and ignoring my body regardless how scarful or painful it is

 

[Lumos]

I understand but I'm not sure how it's helping if it makes you exhausted or in pain.

 

[Givrali]

My ergo is supposed to be skilled so maybe I'm not good at making her understand what's going on with me ?

 

[Givrali]

I know I don't really value my well-being. Feeling good and rested is outside my childhood experience so it doesn't feel like something that is supposed to happen

I HAVE TO do things. My comfort isn't a priority even if sometimes I rebel and make it pass before anything else

 

[Givrali]

To add insult to injury, if I'm too calm my mind Crack and I feel more in danger than any other time. Meditation and calming myself too much is dangerous to my mind I have to keep myself busy

 

[Givrali]

The mere idea of being too calm is terrifying to me. I feel safer feeling bad and exhausted