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I choose to do my apologizes when I'll back from "holiday"
Put under "" because I won't take them to have fun or rest but dealing with more changes at once I ever had to
Eat the plate I asked to be reserved to me. Well the amount was very small. Hope cheesecake won't be too bad for my health because it's the least junk food I got this end of afternoon
So in my group home there is this person who can't stand SEEING ME anymore and would be mean to me sometimes for little to no real reason. The bad thing is she ALWAYS in the living room between my room and well the rest of the place we're living. So I have to come in her sight most times I go out my room even to go wc. Also the living room is next to the kitchen when tend to play the mother and house owner putting everything like she want to. So it's not rare she goes at kitchen to take water for flowers, clean two dirts at kitchen, place plates in the plate washing differently. She also took habit of bad talking about everyone in the appartement loud to her best friend an other resident that barely talk and never express her feelings. If we react to it the mean resident will complain for us to reacted
We're 8 resident living together and this resident went as far as splitting the group in two one composed of her friends the other of people she hates. Only one person escaped this group splitting by going to the two and staying neutral to a fault
Few weeks ago she complained I was acting erratic and loudly. Well moving is stressful for healthy people so for a ptsd and autistic person who never lived alone and fight one year to leave this place it such a unexpected reaction (heavy sarcasm)
I have medical trauma from 4yo and a sight as common as someone in a wheelchair disturb me in a normal day.
I was being very stressed and exhausted at begin. The I realized I'm going to have to spend at least 30 minutes alone with my abuser next day which was triggering at his own.
At occupational work we play the Friday afternoon in the first half. I made work-friends with I spend the afternoon chatting and joking with.
Since we feel better together the animator/ergotherapist put us together for activities.
We play in two groups and I think they don't change a week after the other.
It seems that S. Always had this problem at his finger but I always was too busy to notice it. Also his mental health probably prevents him to go to ergo in clean outfits because he never looks clean at ergo
I was next to S. For the first time and acting hyper as always except I didn't got enough sleep for a prolonged time maybe a week maybe several ones.
Anyway I noticed his finger was in a unnatural position and loudly reacted to it because trigger. I usually got silenced triggered but I was acting hyper and was over the top stressed ans exhausted.
I needed time to calm down (without visible reaction this time) and ergo used the time to smooth the hard time for him.
In the game he was last by far. I did a innocent joke about it but made another mistake. I mentioned his hat ( the round and sun hiding thing above eyes thing) was yellow while it was very obvious it was white new but miscleaning made it half yellow.
He clarify it was white in the beginning. And willing to rectify my mistake I made thing far worse by proposing stupid solutions to his problem like having a very dirty hat was normal and common.
I still wasn't able to realize the heavy mistakes I made to someone who was suffering from mental health problems and not able to handle presenting clean in a social but adapted activity. The game kept going without anyone reaction to my mistakes or S. Look.
I didn't mind either he was talking to ergo after that for a long time.
I asked to talk to the ergo for my own stress and problems and calmed down enough to feel shame when realizing what I've done. The ergo thought i mentioned being autistic as excuse for misbehaved. Maybe some part of me already realized what happened and did for this maybe not so I didn't resist the assumption.
She pressed the fact I was saying things in a hurtful way and make obvious someone problems probably shameful for him to everyone. I couldn't defend myself because fawing.
She encouraged me to apologize to him today and specify S. Is a gentle and forgiving person. I just wasn't able to only think about trying it before the end of ergo and I knew I was going to be on holiday for two weeks after this and that means he'll have to stay with this shame for this long and me too. I just couldn't.
We talked about the stuff I was here on the first place and ergo convinced me to ask an educator to be with me while I would have to be with my abuser
After that I was very decided to punish myself for my wrongs but I said I was going to do important things so I kept insulting and blaming myself all along the way doing it. I decided to buy junk food in large amounts because I was feeling I won't be able to maintain my decision to punish myself at home.
It's obviously disorded eating what I do with junk food but it's also a daily coping mechanism I can't afford resisting most time let alone hard time.
So I bought everything I was wanting to which wasn't as bad as it had be sometimes including recently. I probably was so exhausted I couldn't spend extra time outdoor. So took evident comfort food and some specific food I don't always take but was "inspiring me" at this time
