Undiagnosed Hoping For Input? Having Difficulty With The Death Of My Father.

[caffersEH]

Hi, I found this forum after looking for some way of discussing whats happening to me, and I hope this is a good place to start.

Almost exactly one year ago my dad died of cancer. Long story short, I am a nurse, and left my job to look after him. I loved him very very much and he was my dear friend as well as my dear pa.

He deteriorated very quickly - he had had surgery on his neck, the wound never properly healed. His final days were very intense, and the end came quicker than we had anticipated - even me, my job is in end of life care so I should have known...maybe I did and didnt let myself fully accept it...

Anyway, the point of saying that was - on the day he died, I was on my own with him when he became distressed and tried to get off the bed, I was holding him, trying to settle him and make sure he didnt fall (he was altered and weak and sedated) when I saw that blood was pouring out of the wound in his neck. Pouring.

I caled for the nurse who ran to get the doctor, so I was alone with him again, knowing he was dying in my arms. The doctor ran in and injected him with a strong sedative and knocked him out. The nurse helped me settle him on the bed (he was still just alive) and I sent her away and cleaned him myself and got him settled for my family to come sit with him.

He died a few hours later, and the days and weeks afterward were very very hard. However, I am a strong person, and I carried on with my life.

I have experienced ongoing anxiety and sleep problems and stuff, I know I am traumatised, and I am also seeing a counselor.

I have flashbacks quite a lot, but they dont make me feel too bad, however, things have kind of changed.

The other day I was watching game of thrones, and someone got stabbed in the neck during a fight scene. Blood was coming out of their neck and seeing it had a huge effect on me. I kind of froze and I couldnt breathe, it wasnt like panic, it was like I got some weird electric shock inside my heart and mind.

Since then I have felt really spaced out, the flashbacks of my Dad's death are coming back to me frequently, several times a day, and I feel sick and nervous. I find it hard to concentrate and have been trying hard, but find myself trailing off mid sentence sometimes, or just being unable to have a conversation because I feel like I am not really there, not plugged in...

Anyway, there arent many people I can really talk to about this, I dont want to worry my family, and my friends - while very well meaning, and lovely, dont fully understand. I dont want anyone to think I am losing my mind, and I am pretty sure I am not, but just, hoping to hear from people who have had similar types of trauma and stuff.

My partner is very supportive, and I have an appointment to see my GP. i just, kinda wanted to hear what others have to say.

thanks so much, and my best wishes to all of you.

 

[Leah123]

I'm so sorry your father passed away, and that you're saddled with such disturbing memories of his final days. What you're experiencing sounds completely normal to me, given how unsettling and intense the experiences were. Of course, seeing things that remind us, in some way, not necessarily exactly, will trigger reactions like the kind you had watching Game of Thrones. In addition, one year is not too long in terms of such a significant and difficult loss, not to mention how involved you were in the hospice process. I would like to reassure you that it doesn't sound at all like you're losing your mind to me, not one bit, not even close. I encourage you to give this link, or print the page for your therapist, if you haven't discussed it with them yet, since it sounds like you don't feel comfortable talking to your family yet. Take care!

 

[franciemarnie]

I am sorry about what you went thru and couldn't agree with Leah's response more.

I took care of my mom when she was dying and had related night terrors after she died. I had PTSD before she died but my experience with her was traumatic. Therapy immediately after she died was very helpful.

That was over 30 years ago and I will not watch shows with people dying of terminal diseases or the like in bed or in the hospital still. Otherwise, the related flashbacks for that experience are pretty long gone.

But it can be a horrific thing to go thru. At the risk of stating the obvious, maybe avoid bloodletting shows indefinitely.

You were a good daughter. Now it's time to take care of you!

 

[CrazyHorse]

I know excatly what you are going through! I had a very, very similar experience when my beloved dad died 4 months ago. I had PTSD already though. I will come back and write more later when I have more time. Just wanted to let you know that I really do relate to your experience.

 

[intothelight]

Hi CaffersEH,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

I am sorry to hear about the death of your father and your struggle. At this point the only suggestion that I have would be to see a counselor (therapist) to get some help in dealing with your symptoms. It is important to know exactly what is going on so you can get an effective treatment plan.

I hope you find some of the information here helpful and the support beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie