Hoping It's Not Just Me

[Jane.l]

This is going to be tricky to explain because I don't understand it but it would be great if someone 'gets it' . I have been trying to explain it to my T but don't seem to be able to convey it well.

I feel very fragmented - a bit like in the thread about how good you are at pretending you don't have ptsd - I have a lot of 'faces' but it's more than that . I don't make an active choice of which 'me' I am on a given day - each 'me' can dress act feel quite different to each other . It is really hard not knowing who I will be tomorrow .

It makes therapy hard for example - something that was really important to me on Monday - doesn't matter so much now because I changed in between times but I know it will be really important again when that 'me' comes back .

Really hoping this makes some sense to somebody out there - it's not DID I am totally aware the 'me's' are me . It's like trying to work with quick sand just when I think I have a grip on something I change. Feels really crazy .

 

[macca]

I have something similar. It is really hard to explain, I get where you are coming from with that. Something I came across on here seemed to explain it a bit, and maybe it will help you too - try searching "Structural Dissociation". I'm afraid I'm not able to explain it to you myself, as I'm too scattered lately. If you are having any problems concentrating, the theory can get pretty complicated, best to take it in small bits.

 

[Mary]

Oh! Get a self-help book on or ask your T about Internal Family Systems therapy. :)

 

[Deleted member 20280]

When I was being abused I had a different "Me" for each different abuse or abuser. It made the current "Me" less vulnerable. I still use different "Me's" even to this day. Until I was diagnosed and really got into therapy last year I did not really understand why I had all these "Little Laurie's".

This is why I changed from one me to the other. I look at it as a regressed survival tactic.

I don't need any of the others any more as I have come to the safe place I have been searching for for many a year now. I can be just that "Me"

(hug)

Laurie

 

[Pencil]

Yes, read about Structural Dissociation, as well as OSDD in DSM 5.

 

[Jane.l]

Thanks for your replies - I took a look at internal family systems and that didn't seem to fit in that it's not that I feel that I am more than one 'me' at a time there is no internal battle going on - I am the me I am sometimes for a day sometimes a week but then everything changes . I find this so hard to explain - it's like one day being a librarian and the next a pole dancer - well not quite but just trying to get over the extremes .

Also had a look at structural dissociation - found it confusing -my concentration is not great either not sure what it would actually look like - I think I need structural dissociation for dummies !

 

[Spiderallis]

There's a thread about identity disturbances:
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/identity-disturbance.40396/
that might be closer to what you're describing.

 

[scout86]

I think I know what you mean. I've thought of is as "depending on what kind of mood I'm in" except that I suspect that "me" in one "mood" varies way more from "me" in a different mood that is the case with most people. From my internal perspective, it can almost seem like different people, because it's THAT different, but I know it's not that, exactly. I don't honestly know what it IS. Haven't talked about it with my therapist (yet) either, because it seems to me that I've always been like that so it more seems "odd" than it seems to be a "problem". Although, I wonder if it might not be a problem for someone who's trying to live with me.......

My therapist seems to use bits of lots of different approaches. He talks about the "parts" concept a lot. MAYBE there are days when one part gets more say over how I live life than on other days. He also, laughing as he says it, usually, refers to "that rational part of your mind that you'd like to think is usually running the show...." I suspect that that "rational part of my mind" isn't really running the show quite as much as I think it is.

Is this just something you're curious about, or is it causing a problem? (Because, if I ignore it, it isn't a "problem". If I think about it too much, it could drive me nuts. Although, "ignoring it" might also be a "symptom". :confused:)

 

[Jane.l]

@Spiderallis thanks that really helped - have emailed it to my T

 

[Jane.l]

@scout thanks for your reply - as issues go I have more pressing things to deal with or so I thought but I think this is causing me a problem - particularly in therapy because my values, ideals and perceptions change with the me's .

Also if we do work and I am let's say the confident self assured me - will it help the self destructive , worthless me ? Does that make sense ? I am not even sure how split they are but I know they view the world very differently - the identity disorder link was really interesting I could really relate to it but I don 't think I have bpd

 

[franciemarnie]

I used to wonder about this too before I knew anything about PTSD and how it manifests in me. I could tell which me I was on any particular day by what I would wear to work - almost like a costume - Sacred Heart girls school type uniform, sexy well fitting business suit, affluent suburb young mother, tough leather jacket chick, etc. I wasn't switching different personalities, didn't black out, etc., but one part of me or side of me became predominant.

It used to make me feel a little insane.

I see them more now as related to personas with certain dominant personality traits and strengths I needed to come to the fore triggered by some real life situation all borne originally at key turning points in the original trauma.

In college it was discombobulating and stressful trying to remember the me I was with certain people.

I used to draw in my 20's. Once I drew the outline of me, but the figure of me was made of solid fragments.

I feel pretty consistent now thank God, and wear the same "uniform" pretty much always - jeans, shirt and blazer.

 

[Jane.l]

@franciemarnie yes I dress that way too - I have a wardrobe for each 'Me'