Hospital

[scout86]

And I know for absolute certain that I would never, ever recover if that were to happen. I'd be done.

I know that seems like it's true, but I think it's actually 'catastrophizing'. (I'm pretty sure I recognize it because I've been doing it a LOT the past few days.)

 

[sun seeker]

No. I know it is true. Have for a very long time. I will never get up again.

 

[sun seeker]

I made it through today after a fashion, mostly dozing on clonazepam. When I was awake it wasn't pretty. It feels like an eternity until Tuesday.

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk @sun seeker , but I understand. Perhaps I read it in the other thread- maybe you can help him be able to give you what you need? (ie procedural problem).

I know I'm at the end of the line too; but then I think -betrayal/ no respect/ no care- is that not the end of what's possible to stand, anyway. So what does it matter.

I saw my face in the mirror, a bit accidentally actually, I have that abuse problem with the damage to the cheekbones. I look ugly. I feel; hopeless. I question why it even took this long to give up, but then more gets added & it becomes clear. Too bad, thought I was making headway starting last month.

I guess my point being, if your T's greatest betrayal is in time management & scheduling, it's an impersonal issue, maybe you can overcome it.

Prayers & candles, for help for you, xox. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I just want to remind you that although your T jumped ship, many here are reaching out to you. You are cared about because we have compassion for your situation.

Perhaps a reminder that having our T's as our only sense of grounding is a fallacy. No one person can be our support system. We are all human. Remind yourself if you can that it isn't just your T that you need.

It takes a village....

Much love to you my friend.

 

[sun seeker]

I don't know what to say. I just want to stop existing so I don't have to feel this.

 

[minimo]

I am on my way to the hospital. One crisis too many and I am not safe. I am terrified to make this...

massive hugs you have a lot of support here we are all in the same boat if we can help well that gives us peace of mind

 

[sun seeker]

I'm doing better today. Not great, but better. Pretty depressed, which comes from feeling helpless and like there is nothing I can do to get my needs met.

I feel like I should go back and edit (but can't) and defend my therapist and point out that he didn't mean to call me an hour late, he had a crisis come up. Or that he often goes above and beyond the call of duty to help me. And that's true. It's also true that he booked a recreational activity overlapping with my session, without telling me, even though he knows from much past experience that I would be hugely triggered by something like this. There is no possible way he could have thought it would be all right. We have a strong enough relationship that I think we can work this out... only parts of me are very scared and don't believe it.

I feel ashamed... like I SHOULD be all right with it, that it was such a little thing. But for someone with massive amounts of early trauma and ensuing trust issues, it wasn't a little thing at all. And it's because of that trauma that I am working with him in the first place, so I am not the one who should have had to adapt. God, I wish I could have adapted instead of going through what I went through that day. I'd have been delighted to have been able to say "Oh, okay, no problem, I'll just do something else instead and we'll talk next week." Umm. If I were able to do that, I wouldn't need intensive trauma therapy in the first place.

I've rekindled a friendship with the friend who took me to the hospital, at least I can say that. We spent some time together again today.

 

[sun seeker]

It seems that this T doesn't get how big this issue is for you.

It's weird, because when I think about this, there is no possible way he doesn't know. He's seen me triggered nearly out of my mind over similar issues several times already. So what can he be thinking to keep doing the same thing? I mean, I get that things come up that we can't always control, but couldn't he at least remember that THIS is THE issue most likely to make me turn into a hysterically screaming wreck (well, next to outright abandonment, anyway), and at least present it with some tact? Like "I'm so sorry, because I know what a big issue this is for you, but it seems I've messed up my schedule again and we don't have the time I thought we had. I'll shift some things around and make room for you tomorrow. Meanwhile, let's work on getting you grounded so you'll be okay until then. And I promise that this week I'm going to download a mobile app that will remind me of my commitments so hopefully I don't do this again." Or something like that. Not just springing the news on me - and then watching me lose it completely. It's happened enough times he has to know I'm going to lose it fairly spectacularly.

What scares me is that when we talked, he said he knows this is an issue for me because I've told him so many times, and that I'll have to decide whether continuing is doing me more good or more harm. That sounds like there is a lot of resistance to whatever he would have to do to be more reliable, and it hurts me badly coming from someone who otherwise, I do believe cares very deeply about me. It makes me feel like I have to downplay how affected I am so he won't get the idea he's hurting more than helping, and bail on me. Or maybe he knows he has this issue but doesn't know how to work on it? I feel a bit resentful that I should have to be the one to point out what a big problem it is. Like that should not have to be my job. I am definitely going to strongly request that he work on it, though.

 

[sun seeker]

Now I'm scared he'll think he's doing me more damage than good, and give up on me. It feels like a double bind.

And I know for absolute certain that I would never, ever recover if that were to happen.

A triple bind, come to think of it. Because now the question becomes "Do I tell him what the effect would be if he decided he was causing more harm than good and gave up on me 'for my own good', or will he think I am being manipulative if I am honest about that?"

Someone tell me if I am tying myself up in verbal knots here or actually thinking this through, would you? I'm not at all sure.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am definitely going to strongly request that he work on it, though.

Good for you. I am so happy to hear you say this. You are so worth fighting for.:hug:

 

[sun seeker]

With this issue though, either this issue is much bigger than he can take in, or his attempts at fixing his mistakes are too puny, or both.

Yes. Precisely. Because this change of schedule to a time six days later was his attempt at repairing the mistake. I can sort of see how for him it might feel that way, but I don't see how he can imagine it feels that way for me. That was why I spent a few days sending him frequent updates on how terrible I was feeling, to get my point across that I didn't stop suffering when we hung up the phone but kept on feeling it continually. After some time I decided that might not be the best approach. But if that was his idea of fixing his mistake, I do have some more explaining to do.