'how Are You' Questions

[pathos]

These are always difficult for me - questions like 'how are you', 'what's up', 'what's new', etc. that are 90% of the time social manners that don't expect a response.

My problem is multifold:

1. I hate fakeness, in this case saying things that aren't real just because it's socially acceptable. I think through everything I do, which is tremendously difficult at times but I hate being any other way. So allowing myself to ask these mundane questions is a failure to myself. (I know I should probably let it go, but it's a deep-routed issue that's more complex than I can go into here.)

2. It's often really hard for me to think or know what the answer is! How am I? I don't know. Blank. If I want to figure out how I am I might have a meltdown. What's new is just so vague a question to me that I generally can't figure out an answer either - plus, I don't usually think anyone is interested in what's on with me, especially because nothing new usually happens. I stay in my house 99% of the time! So the new thing is like, I watched a tv show. Is that really worth mentioning?? It just makes me feel bad about myself that I'm not doing anything.

3. I can never tell if people want a stock response (i.e. 'fine', 'nothing', etc.) or if they want a genuine response. I usually go with the former because it's what the majority want, plus it's easier on me; but sometimes people who I meet frequently act weird that I always say the same thing.

I don't know how to explain that these questions are really difficult for me, even though I've tried multiple times! No one seems to get it. Some people get used to it and don't ask or expect a response, but they'll never understand it, they just know I'm 'that weird one' who won't answer.

Is this just ME or is it a general thing...??

 

[Leah123]

Hi! It's not just a you thing. I struggled with this a lot, especially in high school. I have to balance out a couple issues when i answer the question, whether they're just asking me as a ritual, what the context is, and how I'm feeling (or not) at the time. 1. For ritual responses- part of the asking is often just ritual behavior, not an invitation to a deep conversation. So, just as raising one's hand in class is the polite way of asking to speak, sometimes, just saying 'fine, thanks' does not have to sum up my entire state of being, it just reassures the other person that I'm part of the group, that we are in sync, on that basic level. 2. If I don't know how I feel, sometimes I'll just answer in a joking tone, hmmm, ask me later? - how are you? 3. If there is time, and I have something to say, i.e. I'm amazing, or terrible, or something else important, then, I give myself permission to be honest. How long I speak depends upon my relationship to the person, how much time we have, and what I need at that moment.

One thing I don't do is ask if I don't care to know the answer, nor do I lie when I answer. If it's just a ritual greeting, if I'm not great, I won't say so. I will say, oh, no comment (or something like that), in a wry tone, so they know that I know the ritual, but am not great. Or, instead of answering, I might just ask them, "how are you?" to shift the focus.

I am definitely mindful about this, glad to know I'm not the only one. :)

 

[Mayday]

Oh yes. I hate the 'how are you' questions...I mostly go on auto-pilot, because that's my default coping mechanism, to appear normal enough to not arouse suspicion, but not friendly enough to encourage further connection. It's a delicate balance which I get wrong as much as I get right.

 

[Spring]

I just came across this thread... I'm curious, do you all feel this way all of the time, or does this feeling come and go?
~Spring

 

[pathos]

Well, I feel like this whenever someone asks one of these questions, and I don't feel like this when someone doesn't ask one of these questions.

 

[safenow]

I hate those types of questions. Most of the time, I just grunt and keep walking. They don't really care anyway.

However, the exception is when I know the person really well, and they ask, I either say "are you sure you want to know?", or "do you have time?" sort of reply. It depends on how I'm really doing.

safenow

 

[DharmaGirl]

I always say I'm fine so now the people who really want to know how I am say, "really?".

 

[StarChild]

are you sure you want to know?", or "do you have time?" sort of reply.

Yup, safenow, same here; I was never one for smalltalk, and people who know me well, know also, that if they ask me, they will get an honest answer. And for the other ones... Well, I say something like:"Do you really mean it? If not, don't waste your and my precious time."

 

[maddog]

This is a really interesting topic. I have long been aware of the discomfort that this seemingly innane feature of basic human communication causes me. I suppose I have just come to assume it's a common and ever-difficult symptom of my generalised social awkwardness and anxiety and the fact that nothing about human interactions feels comfortable and uncomplicated to me.

Mostly, I just wish people wouldn't ask, because I can't seem to find a response style that feels authentic without being too revealing. When the inquirer is just an acquaintance or passing stranger, or the social context is an impersonal one, I assume the question to be an almost automatic form of social norm or standard greeting and I respond accordingly with something neutral such as "ok", or "fine thanks". Somehow, I always feel uncomfortable about it though, as though I have been dismissive or rude, or alternatively, as though I have maybe appeared to be inauthentically happy and great when I'm not...

If the context is one of genuine connection with a trusted or at least familiar person, I feel obliged to try to give a more honest answer, which tends to cause me even more difficulties and discomfort. Sometimes, however much I might want to be honest, I find it impossible to sum up my state of being in anything less than an hour's worth of explanation, and tend to adopt an all or nothing desire... if I can't tell you honestly and in detail, i'd rather not tell you at all.

Perhaps the most awkward situations are those in which the inquirer is someone who really does have insight into my likely state, but who asks the question in a passing or otherwise inappropriate context for detailed discussion. A common scenario for me currently is when I am attending the group therapy programme at the hospital and a staff member/therapist with whom I have worked extensively calls "hi Maddog, how are you" as we pass in the hallway or while making coffee in the kitchen. To say "find thanks" seems absurd and almost insulting, given that they are bound to know that I'm really not fine at all. Yet it's impossible and undesireable to launch into anything remotely resembling honesty in the middle of the hallway...

I am painfully aware of how much I overthink this, hence the fact that I overwrite about it... I constantly watch others and marvel miserably at how spontaneous and relaxed they always seem with such simple everyday human interactions. I'm sure that others aren't always as comfortable as I perceive them to be, yet I despair of the ability to ever even be able to fake this, let alone to really feel it.

A really interesting topic...

Maddog

 

[louisa]

It's not just you, Leah.

I particularly hate being asked 'How are you?'. I long to say something like 'mental' or 'suicidal' in reply. Haha. Usually, I just say 'o'k' with a kind of smirk and then deflect attention from myself by asking them how they are. If you don't like saying 'fine' when your not fine, what about saying 'so-so' or 'could be better, how are you?'

You're not alone on this. I often find conventional, everyday conversation and greetings, annoying and sometimes impossible,

best wishes, Louisa

 

[louisa]

Oops, I meant 'Pathos'.